At home it's not such a big problem but at work you will quickly be labelled as "too emotional". Even sympathetic people will feel uncomfortable.
664 karma · joined April 6, 2021
This thread has really made me realize what a disability ADHD is. I struggle to watch a movie from start to finish, even one I have been really looking forward to. I dream of being able to concentrate and work on what I want to do for an entire day. My ratio at the moment is about 1-2 hours of work in every 8 hour day.
This happened on a much larger scale when I was in university. I had 18 months for my dissertation. Each week that went by I planned to write a small chunk of it, just to get going. In the end I wrote the entire thing a week before the deadline with my professor literally sitting next to me making me do it.
> I suspect you will be less likely to feel that inability to get around to do the tasks that you know to be important to do it if you fail in a way that life itself, the universe, hurts you for the failure, as opposed to your boss saying "you're fired for showing up late".
This is true up to a point. What ADHD people need is consequences ASAP. Your boss checking in on you every hour and providing constant pressure is much more effective than a meeting at the end of the month where your boss blows his top and fires you because you've done very little.
Unfortunately, ADHD is not temporary. Most places will eventually let you go when you don't perform. The article is extremely generous in stating that firing is not the right choice, but for someone who is severely and permanently impaired I don't really know what the solution is either...
The not so good news: ADHD isn't going anywhere. It can affect many aspects of life. It's something that needs constant attention and there is no magical silver bullet that will fix all of you problems.
I struggled through university and then didn't really make much career progress in my 20s. I was diagnosed at 30 and started taking stimulant medication. Well my life since then has not been perfect it's definitely on an upward trend. I'm doing better at work and in interpersonal relationships. You've already noticed emotional disregulation in yourself.
Start by informing yourself. There is a lot of bad information around about ADHD. Russell Barkley[1] is an expert on the topic and a great place to start. His free talks are available on youtube and made me realize the extent of my problem. His book, Taking Charge of Adult ADHD,
There are two people you have to convince: the person in charge of hiring and yourself.
After a long time away, health issues, burnout etc it's easy to lose confidence. Find activities that bring back your confidence. Maybe this is a side project. Maybe it's learning something new. Maybe it's mentoring someone who is just starting. If you are constantly doubting yourself job applications will be very mentally draining so choose positive activities that build your skills and actively make you feel more confident.
The next person to convince is the person hiring you. My resume looks crappy. All of my jobs are from word of mouth, in person networking, events and conversations. Sometimes the resume is just a formality or is provided for HR. Sometimes it isn't needed at all.
Describe the desired completed task to an imaginary third person. Poorly defined tasks can often make starting more difficult.
I have ADHD, exercise and fresh air didn't fix it. I even got rid of my smartphone and home internet connection for 6 months to try to improve my focus. That didn't help either. After years of dead ends, getting a diagnosis and medication is more or less the only thing that has allowed me to hold down a job and live life.
It's like height. Everyone has a height, but if you're 180cm tall you'll find the world caters to you well, but at 250cm you struggle to fit and basic tasks are difficult.
Yes, children do not have the executive function (and therefore attention span) of an adult. As children get older their executive improves and they get better at self-regulation. Adults with ADHD have limited executive function, just like children. Imagine putting an 8-year-old behind the wheel of a car. It wouldn't be surprising if they got into a wreck. That same level of inattention in an adult when driving is one of the risks of ADHD.
The stakes are much higher when you're in school. Missed homework and test scores can go on for years without huge knock on effects. If you constantly miss things at work? You get fired! Then you have real adult problems staring you in the face, like rent and bills and spouses.
> I doubt ADHD is a relevent or even a genuine psychiatric condition or diagnosis.
Of all the things you said, this is the most dangerous. Please learn more about ADHD before you dismiss it as non-existent.
In the past I have been obsessive. Had I not got help I could have ended up like the stalker in the story.
It starts out innocent enough. Dating involves lots of subtle signals and cues. I remember calling someone many many times in one day, thinking "There's a possibility I'm being strange, but there's also a chance that she's just not home. If I don't call and call again I could miss my chance. And this is my only chance, if I don't make sure she knows I want to date her I'm going to end up alone forever". I'm sure you can see the cognitive distortions at play here. I certainly acknowledged that my behavior was unusual, but I was so fixated on the person that I couldn't stop myself.
I suspect this is what happened with the person in the story. They noticed the sister and became obsessed. First trying to do things "the right way" with super-likes etc within the dating app. After that, finding the instagram and so on. It slowly ramps up. The damage to the car etc I have less insight on, but perhaps it relates to the fact that being ignored by the target of your obsession feels so bad that any kind of reaction, good or bad, would feel better. Or perhaps it's revenge for "making me feel bad". I think the stalker probably doesn't have much insight to their own behavior. I only gained insight years after the fact.
In general, I think dating apps don't help with this kind of behavior. They perpetuate the idea that there are "perfect matches" and that once you find your perfect partner everything will click into place. It's just like Hollywood movies, the couple gets together and then the credits roll. In reality, that's the very beginning. We should be talking about the work and effort that goes into building a relationship, as well as giving people the tools to notice when their behavior is not acceptable.
My comment history offers other advice and suggestions for ADHD. It's a long struggle but it's worth it.
If you're an adult things are much worse: unemployment, inability to maintain relationships, impulsiveness and anti-social behavior.
I still struggle with procrastination but I'm much better than I used to be. Here are some things that helped me. Some are ADHD related, some more emotional related.
* Getting diagnosed with ADHD. This gave me insight and the ability to forgive myself. It also gave me access to medication.
* Methylphenidate helps me in a big way. I take a slow release version branded as concerta. The effects day to day are subtle, but after weeks and months I realized things are going much better, my house is cleaner, my work is more stable, my relationships are better.
* Noticing your patterns of procrastination is important. Some people find meditation helpful for this but I could never manage to stick with it. It sounds simple but actually noticing your emotional state just before choosing to procrastinate is surprisingly hard. For me the pattern is often "feeling overwhelmed" --> "wanting to escape" --> "wanting this bad feeling to go away" --> "do something mindless like watching youtube or reading articles". The mindless activity dulls the emotional pain. Even just a 10 second pause of noticing the feeling, staying with the feeling and realising it is simply a feeling can be enough to start to break the habit.
* Distractions. There are many different types of distractions. Make sure your workspace does not have any visual distractions in your line of sight. Being able to see the interesting book you want to read or a notification pop up on your phone is not helpful. Simply placing items behind you is generally enough. Similar with screen distractions. Make sure the things you can see on your screen are relevant to what you are doing now, and anything not relevant is completely hidden/off-screen.
* Completely accepting your procrastination. This is paradoxical, but accepting your procrastination is the best thing you can do. Let's say you spend the entire day aimlessly browsing the internet instead of doing your homework. If you start to think "I'm useless, I'll never be able to do this." or "I wasted the whole day, now I'm going to be even more stressed trying to finish it" you add negative emotions on top off the negative emotions that are causing you to procrastinate. Genuinely accepting what you did and not feeling bad about it is very difficult, but helps you avoid going into a spiral of negative emotions. At least think "Oh well, I procrastinated today. That time is gone, but I can do 5 minutes now and it won't be completely wasted"
* Timeboxing/pomodoros can be helpful. You set a relatively short timer and work for that time, then take a short break. Say, work 20 minutes and take a 5 minute break. Remember, we need to solve the emotional problem, not the organizational one. Serial procrastinators often set unrealistic goals when first learning about pomodoros: "Ok, I'm gonna do 8 pomodoros this morning and really crank through my thesis". Now the expectation is set for doing lots of work, feelings of overwhelm and potential failure will creep in and that's the seed of procrastination. The other failure mode is not taking the short breaks. On some subconscious level you know you've tricked yourself. "Hey, you said we were doing 20 minutes and now we've been working for over an hour." Always take the breaks, and start off by doing a very small number of short pomodoros.
I remember sitting in the explanation lecture, 18 months before the deadline for my undergrad thesis. Even then, I was nervous about handing it in on time. So I did the usual things, made week by week plans, asked my supervisor to check in with me etc. Of course, as a serial procrastinator I didn't come close to sticking to the plan. I fiddled around with a few things but didn't really do anything.
Fast forward to a week before the deadline. I a few broken prototypes and no very little else of the 10,000 word thesis I was supposed to hand in at the end of the week. I finally broke down in front of my professor. In the end I sat around the corner from his office all week as he checked on me every hour or so to make sure I was writing it. I took breaks to go cry in the toilet. I just barely managed to finish it and hand it in on time. I cried again, this time tears of joy and relief.
What really stands out to me, apart from the heroic push at the end, is that in the back of my mind I knew I was going to procrastinate on this project and even that knowledge wasn't enough to stop me. The planning, organization, calendars, todo lists and so on didn't help.
Later in life I was diagnosed with ADHD. With medication and coping techniques things are getting better.
If you struggle with procrastination on a grand scale you have an emotional problem, not an organizational one. No amount of planners, charts, calendars or todo lists will solve it(though they are good to have for other reasons). You need emotional solutions. Therapy, medication, meditation, introspection.
For anyone struggling with procrastination I wish you all the best. It is a lifelong problem. Don't expect to be able to solve it over night, but it can get better.
My advice: many "quiet bullshitters" want to do better, but lack the tools, support and ability to do so. They're not trying to take everyone for a ride, but they feel backed into a corner with no way out and they can't ask for help without great personal risk (either real or perceived).
I've been a software engineer for 8 years but I earn less than some new grads. I've never gone in for flashy toys or expensive trips, but now I realise that money buys me time. Time with my friends, time with my family, time to do what I want.
It's not a magic bullet though, so here are some other things that help.
Accountability. A person checking in on doing what you need to do.
Timers, alarms, reminders. I have have an Amazon Echo in every room of my house and set reminders whenever something pops into my head.
Pomodoros: just do a couple of minutes and then stop. It's usually not as bad as you imagine.
Above all, forgive yourself. You are a not a machine. You will have better days and worse days. Keep going in the right direction.
Wishing your brother the best.
Before I was diagnosed I had a good exercise habit, ate well, used a calendar and a todo list and my life was still a mess. After getting diagnosed and medicated I see a steady gradual improvement in all aspects of my life.
Go speak to an adult with ADHD, listen to them and find out the real pain and anguish experienced by someone with ADHD. Many people desperately want to do well in school, have a career and successful relationships but are held back by their disorder. Instead, they experience joblessness, poor human relationships and unfulfilled dreams. People with diagnoses in later life experience genuine grief. The medication and counseling can help a lot, but it can't fix a divorce 10 years ago or getting fired repeatedly. The damage is done.
The people who kept up with a well planned exercise routine, slept well instead of trying to catch up with work at 2am in a mad rush, and had meaning in their life because they didn't push their friends away with uncontrolled emotional outbursts? Perhaps they aren't in the study because they don't have ADHD?
I was diagnosed with ADHD at 30. It's shocking how much damage it can do in your life. On the outside you might see the lost jobs, career trouble and difficulty in relationships but the inner world of ADHD can be even worse. Frustration from unmet goals and shame from letting down those closest to you.
Unfortunately, where I'm from insurance doesn't cover any kind of talk therapy. Online services like this can be an affordable way to access help.