xxEightyxx

I can relate to this. I am a 3rd generation American, family immigrated over from Norway and Sweden and our heritage and traditions are still very strongly observed. We are protestant as well and live in the northern U.S.

My family is a bit on the extreme of guessing culture to the point where we won't say anything and often folks find us very cold. I am made acutely aware of this everyday - from romantic partners, friends, and even strangers. My siblings and I were simply raised this way and it's all but impossible to change my behavior.

When we visit family in both Norway and Sweden it's almost like "whew" we can relax and breathe and everything feels very comfortable because the pace of society is slower, at restaurants and during normal activities out and about in the towns, you generally do not have to worry about folks approaching you.

My current partner is also a 3rd generation American, her family on both sides is Irish. They are incredibly social and outgoing and just 10 minutes she informed me we are having our neighbors over (he is a 2nd generation American of Irish descent and his partner is a 2nd generation Dutch). They are all very social and won't hesitate to offer a beer or help or anything really, which I certainly appreciate it but I'm uncomfortable accepting anything.

An even more extreme example is my older brother. I almost look like a social butterfly in comparison because I won't hesitate to complain about the weather, work, anything really. Whereas he is very stoic and quiet. We were in the construction industry with our father and we all would mostly work in silence building homes and apartment buildings, and when we expanded and hired new folks it made them really uncomfortable.

Once, my brother fell off a roof and he just laid there in a daze. I rushed down to him and by the time I got to him (no more than 20 seconds) he was already getting back up on the roof and just said "I'm fine". Another time his lung collapsed and he didn't tell anyone until his 5th day in the hospital! It's really disappointing sometimes.

I am also selfish with regards to remote work. I don't have any kids, but to me remote work just simply works and makes sense. Having said that, there is an argument for in-person collaboration to an extent. But as a software engineer, I loathe going back to the office and refuse to under almost any circumstance.

If an employer wants me to return to the office, I'm very direct in communicating the additional cost to them and salary bump for me. My go-to response to any request to return to office is "I require a 40% salary increase or no bueno" and thus far they have backed down.

Back when I was working in the office, I had co-workers who liked to lounge around my desk making small talk, asking questions, and generally trying to be friendly and social, which I understand why they would, but it interrupts my "flow state" and leaves me more disgruntled than anything.

Work is work to me, and I don't care to socialize nor is it critical in my current job. Not hating on others who feel anything to the contrary, it's simply not my cup o' tea.

The benefits of WFH greatly surpass any conceivable benefit of having to return to the office, for me. And with my current employers, I cannot see any benefit of it for them.

Corporatism needs a wakeup call and it's finally receiving just a taste of it. Considering salaries are repressed and have been for more than 20 years, it's the very least of what we, as workers/minions/peasants, deserve (at least in the U.S.)

I'm a current DoD contractor (the coding type) and the agile/waterfall mentality still holds up. Different departments and different projects within each department will have different methodologies for planning and delivering products.

However, where I am, there is a huge emphasis on "getting shit done" well ahead of schedule. I'm lucky to work with smart and motivated folks who together, work well and we are wildly successful.

My biggest gripe, shared among many of my coworkers, is the level of micromanagement. Multiple business analysts, product owners, stakeholders, SCRUM masters, managers, etc. who all share essentially the same job - delegating and scheduling work. It makes every project 10x more difficult and complex than it otherwise should be.

An example just from this past week: Project A: we are delivering a single product. Three managers, two SCRUM masters, multiple business analysts. We engineers have four different JIRA/task-boards to keep up with. All of them overlap, three of them are essentially the same board in different spaces. Each day we have 2-4 hours worth of meetings spread across stakeholders amongst those three boards where we regurgitate the exact same information.

It's repetitive, backward, and a time-waste. Some engineers are currently "revolting" by saying what I'm saying now - in the meetings themselves. We've had multiple blowups with management.

Having meetings and discussions spread so wide leads to a lot of confusion because us engineers appear to be the only conduit with which the analysts and managers are communicating. Often times, the different stakeholders will ask for the same features in different meetings, other times they ask for different or conflicting features which leads to confusion and the need to schedule more meetings to clarify as they are not communicating amongst each other.

Hey no you're not declining! I think this happens to a lot of us from time to time! I have become fairly good at recognizing it in myself (mid 30's) and have learned what I need to do to get over the hump!

For me - it helps to step away from work. I mean, really step away to the point I completely forget about work. Go play pickleball, take a day trip, hike, swim, camp, try something entirely new that you have never done before (skydiving, SCUBA lessons, cross-country skiing), etc. The goal is to become immersed in your environment to the point it requires a great use of your mental capacity - in a way that is engaging and fun.

Even if I don't feel like stepping away from work and I disagree with myself that the issue is actually becoming too immersed in my work for too long, I have learned to simply default towards leaning on experience and getting away for a while.

By the time I come back to the same problem if I haven't already gathered a good idea as to how to go about it, I will at least have a new perspective; it's a win-win.

Please take care of your mental health, take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself. Give yourself a second chance, draw things out, get out of the office, take a break, and come back and approach the problem after you've refreshed yourself!

I'm in the same boat with you. Been in the industry for 20+ years and I do not have any social media. One of my employers constantly pushes for LinkedIn involvement/activity but I simply refuse to participate. I did not become an engineer to share blog posts or comment on things in front of hundreds or thousands of folks.

However, I do have a few different websites that I used to be very active in but have since (for the past 5 years) rarely use them. It's usually only to share something interesting and to keep my web-deb skills somewhat sharpened.

I really don't know much about D&D but WotC had reached out to me a while back for an engineering position. The individual was incredibly unprofessional in just about every way imaginable so I cut things off and said I was not interested before we began talking compensation or anything. Weird company!

There's many ways - traditional banking being the route I took. Initial sunk-cost was $350k, interest rates were low, and my loan amount was small all things considered. I had most of the cash on hand and collateral in the form of a house. I did all the building and excavation myself, the only things I subbed out were plumbing, electrical, HVAC, and some drywall because I really don't like drywall.

Also fortunate because the last few years has seen a huge run-up and appreciation in property in my area specifically where the median house price 10 years ago was around $250k, it's now just under a million for a run-of-the-mill 4 bed, 2 bath, 2200sqft home. The buyer was a small investment company from out-of-state which is really unfortunate because I was hoping to sell to someone local but given the offer they made me, no one could match or even come close.

Yes and no. I want a solid nest-egg in the event that something happens and prevents me from working. No interest in traveling or doing anything else at the moment but of course things can change and as I get older my train of thought will probably change as well so I try to be cognizant of that. In building some level of wealth, I'd consider it to be an achievement and follow-up achievement is using whatever funds I have to help others because I don't care for things other than tools, computer parts, and things like microcontrollers (Arduinos and RPI's).

Sounds extremely corny but I lost my best friends a few years back and their families are not well off financially, one in particular is struggling so I help them as much as they will let me because they're in their mid 60's and have always treated me like family. Another friend wanted to start a remodeling company so I helped him with that. I think these are the kinds of that brings a level of satisfaction and joy rather than buying new cars or taking vacation - for me at least.

A fair bit of luck really. Met the CEO at a specific crypto-development conference back in 2016 and we hit off and he gave me an offer right then and there. Initially, had to prove my worth for the first 2 years and when my full-time work and other life events started getting in the way I gave him my two weeks notice and he countered with more money and less day-to-day work so long as he could keep me on "retainer" which he did by creating a board and placing me on it. There's a few other folks on the board which I'm quite certain earn more than I do because they're former Googlers/Apple employees and I have never worked for a FAANG company. Company has taken a big hit over the last 1.5 years due to the poor performance of cryptos recently and waning interest from our existing and potential client base.

I have no social life. Without diving super deep into my past or anything, I just prioritize things and go do it. Have no interest in movies, TV, concerts, bars, or anything else really. I suppose I inherited it from my parents who are workaholics. Also, grew up poor and never want to experience that again so there's probably a bit of a deep-seeded fear in the back of my mind that going broke and losing everything is always possible. Also, I really only sleep 3-4 hours a night and if I'm not doing something productive I feel unsatisfied and generally melancholy. I also only eat one meal a day, sometimes two which combined takes around an hour to prepare, cook, and eat. So that leaves me roughly 18-19 hours per day to work. And in all my work, I automate absolutely anything and everything that can be automated.

There's probably a bit of underlying depression involved where I feel like if I slow down all those mental worries and fears will manifest and send me down a dark path which want to avoid at all costs.

I try not to judge other folks because everyone has different priorities in life. Mine is working, but others may want to travel, try different beers, play sports, have dinner with friends, etc. I can never stop thinking about projects I want to do so I really don't enjoy a lot of socializing.

More specifically - my two jobs are typical 8-4 hours. Before and after I do whatever maintenance is required for the websites I admin. The crypto/blockchain company will have meetings in the evening, occasionally on the weekends. I have friends and family assist with managing my properties and I pay them very well for their help because some properties are located in another state that they're closer to. This mostly leaves weekends available for some contracting projects in my neighborhood (new development, wealthy folks who don't want to do any manual labor!). Additionally, I'm able to check on my properties, do walk-throughs with tenants, repairs (normally plumbing related - sinks, faucets, toilets, boilers), as well as move-ins and move-outs. If it's an emergency I have contacts for electricians, plumbers, HVAC, etc. who can get over there when I can't. My biggest gripe is with modern appliances. Normally use GE appliances, but the quality has gone down-hill, tried Samsung and same thing. I'm spending more to put in higher quality products like Bosch or Miele when possible.

Without getting too specific - company A pays me to fulfill contracts we bid on within government entities. There's a ridiculously ludicrous amount of red-tape that translates into down-time for someone like me. I do one of three things: software dev, data engineering, or ML modelling. Only one of those three domains because the way this company works, everything is compartmentalized so there are specific folks for specific tasks. I'm a senior/lead so I do my part and pass it to the next fella. Company B is more end-to-end full stack dev work. I just happen to know this domain very very well, along with the libraries, tech stack, and business goals involved in it which translates into rapid development on my part supported by mid and junior level engineers.

Also, having been burned by companies in the past, I no longer make it a priority to "go the extra mile", I do exactly what is expected of me to do and generally no more or less. Although, I am a stickler for documentation so I do write up a lot of our code-base, architecture, and other things.

The last couple of companies I worked for were fairly bad in terms of quality of life so I've moved around a bit until I found jobs that were a good fit for me. The last two years especially have been somewhat of a blessing because engineers are in high demand and I played it to my advantage.

I'm employed full-time at both companies, both know that I am doubly employed and have no issue with it as they are more concerned about project/task completion rate rather than hours on the clock. Which I would argue is how it should be at most companies. Additionally, I work from home.

Yes both are aware and are not concerned so long as I continue to produce results.

Yeah it's right around 30-35 hours per week. Not to toot my own horn but I am very good at what I do, which is software & data engineering. Most importantly, both are jobs that have a large and talented support system of fellow engineers, scrum masters, product owners, and management. In fact, that's precisely why I took these two. My previous jobs were extremely stressful and left me no time for anything outside of my immediate work and I ended up switching jobs last year as a result.

Both employers allow me a lot of leeway and flexibility so long as I can continue to deliver products on schedule, which to this day, I have never been late. So number of hours worked is fairly inconsequential to actual work that is done in both jobs.

I actually have a few:

1) Board member (advisor really) of a crypto/blockchain company. They pay me $5k per month to basically answer questions and help solve certain issues that might arise. There's also regular meetings but all in I spend 4 hours per week max.

2) Small contractor jobs. I was a contractor and home builder in a previous life. These days, I do side jobs both for the extra income and as a way to relax from my regular tech job. I build decks, sheds, small patios, and some indoor remodeling stuff. All of it is really basic because I have no interest in large jobs that would take a lot of time. A 10x12 shed will net me around $6k and I can build it in a weekend. A similar sized deck I'll charge $25k. Small patio pours I'll net $4k. During Christmas season (right now) I also hang lights. I'll charge between $1500 - $2500 and net most of that. Takes me around an hour for a normal two story house.

3) Tech consultant. I help administer various Wordpress and other sites for clients. Basic stuff like plugins, changing font, layouts, etc. Super easy and I get paid a monthly retainer.

4) I work two six-figure engineering jobs. Neither is super difficult which gives me time to do the other things and still have free-time to spend with my family, friends, and hobbies.

5) Rental income. I built a few single family homes and apartment buildings (12 units per building). Nets very good income but can also be demanding because I prefer to do most of the management work myself. Just sold one 12-plex for $1.6MM in August and am sitting on the others.

Making friends is easy, keeping friends and growing the relationships are difficult. I am mostly introverted but have periods of extreme extroversion. I'm 34 but all of my best friends have passed away from various accidents over the past decade.

I feel like a shell of my former self where all I do or have a desire to do is work. The only person I consider my friend is my former boss who, after losing his wife to ALS, I did everything I could to be there and support him because he took a chance on me by offering me a job that ultimately has led to a great career in the tech field.

I've noticed my personality has slipped away, I no longer have hobbies or anything of real passion in my life anymore and thus there's nothing I have to offer another person in a relationship.

It's incredibly lonely and a poor place to be yet I really don't know how to escape it. Most other dudes my age have families or many of them only care to go out to breweries which I don't enjoy.

There's still a bit of hope deep down that all isn't over yet and a ray of sunshine can still propagate itself somewhere, sometime.

I built software to track our traders. This was at one of the largest investment banks in the world and at the time they had a rudimentary system for tracking and recording their in-house traders activities - orders, trades, and other order/trade related information. At the time, the rudimentary system was built mostly to comply with government regulations, and was later modified by someone else to capture and report a larger scope of information about the traders to a higher-up department.

My system was built entirely from scratch because the existing system was antiquated, poorly structured, and really not conducive to future expansions.

After testing and implementing my system, a handful of traders lost their jobs as a result. One criteria often looked at was their number and reasons for failure to delivers (FTD's).

Other than that, it's mostly automating things that I almost sort of regret. A lot of folks in the bank were fired after I wrote a series of apps that could do the work they do. Mostly repetitive tasks. Still feel bad about that but if I didn't do it, they would have hired someone else and at the time I was really, really in dire need for a paycheck.

It's all about how everything is implemented. I've worked in places where sprints were hard deadlines and there was no acceptable reason for missing said deadlines. We worked 12-15 hour days, including working weekends to try and meet our release schedules.

Run into a blocker? Too bad, should have seen it coming during our scrum meetings and follow-up refinements.

We engineers had two business analysts, a scrum master, and two managers that resided "above" us in rank all working to keep the "flow" of the sprints alive to help ensure we meet our deadlines.

It was the most stressful tech job/environment I've ever been part of and everything was micro-managed by said 5 people to the point that they were blockers to our progress - scheduling multiple meetings everyday that would easily consume 3-4 hours.

Our backlog would grow everyday as everyone scrambled to finish tasks and our architecture was a patch-work of systems that only one person truly understood because he had been with the company since it's inception.

I was hired as a senior engineer along with three other mid-level engineers - all three quit within four months. I left after six.

Sprints/agile/scrums are generally a good thing IF and ONLY IF you have a capable manager/scrum master leading and organizing the team who truly understands time management and finnicky nature of software development. Otherwise, it quickly falls off the rails and leads to churn and burn.

I don't think that's an accurate description nor representation of every teacher. Most of the teachers I know are in the profession because they love to teach - so much so that it outweighs all the negatives you've presented here.

My experience is only at the college level and the environment is not much better (again, anecdotal experience, not representative of all universities). There's a huge amount of infighting and drama - primarily between professors/faculty and the administration. Mostly centered around power and control.

It's quite remarkable how folks can have such ego and hubris in any job let alone in places of education.

This is not inherently true - there is no hard and fast rule stating smaller companies are better to work at than larger companies by any metric.

I've worked at a broad spectrum of different sized firms with various titles ranging from analyst to engineer and have found no consistency between size of firm and work/life balance.

Ironically I've had a better work/life balance working for larger firms, but ultimately it comes down to your manager and how they manage the department.

One example - worked for a large investment bank building software and systems from scratch. Worked 6-7 days a week for up to 14 hours a day at times, but I honestly loved the work and was under no obligation to work that much. My boss and I had a great friendship outside of work and he would call my personal phone to remind me to stop working and do something else.

Any requested time-off was always approved by him, he would give me three weeks off for the month of December in addition to the PTO I had already taken during the course of the year.

Contrast this to a smaller (albeit one of the largest in their industry) company where we grinded every day 50-60 hours per week, PTO was a hard limit of 3 weeks per year and you were not permitted to take more than a week of PTO at a time and had to check-in every 5 days by e-mail. It was the worst job I've had in engineering. That said, there were brilliant folks working there but most left within a year. I sort of hope the company implodes but they're running away with success atm thanks in large part to the high quality engineers they hire (kudos to their hiring squad).

I'm not as old as you (born in the late 80's) but my family left the church (protestant) for this exact reason. There was more discussion of social/political issues than of scripture. To be fair, I think it's OK to some extent, but the elders had made it a priority to denigrate liberal ideas and beliefs.

Look up the Koch brothers. They're largely responsible for much of the chaos we see in our country today.

Their decision may be right through the lens of the initial ruling some 50 years ago, and perhaps through the acknowledgement of this being a divisive issue. However, it is at best hypocrisy of the court itself, and at worst, a devastating blow to one of the worlds worst healthcare systems.

This ruling in particular has be viewed through a wider scope, and not just the narrow lens of "people are divisive".

Their recent ruling interfering with New York states own policy on concealed carries best represents the courts hypocrisy - if a state makes a ruling and has a certain level of autonomy and power to do so, why is the SC overruling them here when its nearly just as divisive as abortion?

Additionally - the ruling is made within a very narrow scope, against common scientific and healthcare advice. It's also likely the ruling was made with strong bias and in bad favor as many of the justices themselves are not duly qualified to sit on the bench which they sit, and the ruling subsequently falls in line with a serious of previously strongly conservative rulings that defy prior precedent and the SC's own interpretation of autonomy, law, and previous rulings.

There is really no way to justify their ruling.

Polarization is a bit of mysterious character because we see a very strong, radical right wing forcing changes down to the county level in terms of gerrymandering, up to the level of presidential cabinet where federal crimes were committed without any consequence.

We don't hear of Democrats who, after losing a race complain of fraud and refuse to accept the results. That's a very Republican thing to do.

So, polarization is mysterious because there is a fast growing anti-intellectual, religious radicalism spirit and a fairly unchanged "populist" left wing. I.e. the left is mostly unchanged from 20 years ago, whereas the right has gone through a sharp and dramatic change in the same period.

This is pretty cool and it's probably healthy. I was homeschooled my whole life with super strict parents - mom was an Olympian, and my father owned a construction company. My brother and I had to be up by 5:30AM for chores and exercising as this was also my moms routine. We were doing school work by 8:00AM with a small break around 10:30AM, then lunch at noon.

After lunch, we went out to help my father build houses, then off to sports practices (typically two separate practices for two different sports) and classes at the local college. By the end of the day you're exhausted!

A large part of why my parents were so strict is because we were really poor and my parents were determined to not only get out of poverty but also to teach us a good work ethic.

So part of me is really biased in thinking "these kids have an easy schedule, why is it so hard for them to get going in the morning?"

I wouldn't recommend my upbringing necessarily, but also can't help but wonder if kids had a stricter routine, regularly exercise, good diet, and family support if it wouldn't be slightly easier for them to start the day early.

But also on the flip-side I think it's great to let them sleep in because I remember how I felt, and how my friends felt.

Lastly, perhaps public education is partially at fault? Sitting in a classroom for hours every day is exhausting, so how about a more hands-on method of learning where kids actually stand at a white board and write out problems and solutions - something that might work in the lecture part of chemistry, physics, math, and perhaps other courses? - We did this in homeschool as well as at the local college I attended and it absolutely helped me wrap my head around things better!

I ultimately have no dog in the fight as my family and I do our own thing, this is just my opinion.

Interesting! I actually grew up building residential homes and apartments with my brother and father. Later, took over part of the business ran it for a while before making the switch to software engineering.

These days, I have my own little workshop for carpentry and welding when I'm not writing code. I think it's all about the fact that you're using your hands, it "feels" more involved and intimate than designing software sometimes and it's relaxing.

I think I understand what you're saying but your example is somewhat nonsensical. Your first phrase indicates a person is in a bad job, your second phrase and description of the solution of the problem in the first phrase indicates a person hasn't accepted said job yet.

If you're in a bad job and can afford to leave, without knowing additional information, you probably should.

In all my experiences ranging from the trades (construction), investment banking, and software development, the overwhelming consensus as I have understood it, is that companies/managers/presidents/etc want you to be that good worker bee and not step out of line.

Good leaders generally respect you if you can show those skills you mentioned, in the context of the narrow band of their work.

A previous manager I had said the following (in regards to hiring lower-level management positions): "we love ex military folks because they're good at following orders and not taking an independent approach to a problem" i.e. they're drones in this respect.

Include more worker protections, something akin to what many European countries have done and I think we'd find ourselves one step further towards a more harmonious/happy society.