Jem

Do you want to learn all of those because you have a genuine interest in doing so, or do you want to learn all of those things because you feel you "should"?

I browse HN and read comments and articles I do not even begin to understand, and it's hard not to feel rapidly inferior. But you don't have to be a genius to make a difference, and you don't have to be a genius to be happy.

I make my living off the back of PHP. Sure it's got a bad rep, but it's hard to knock something that keeps a roof over my kid's heads and their bellies full.

If you want to learn because of genuine interest - do one thing at a time. Let your curiosity guide you. And good luck!

This is just a thin site containing lists of affiliate links. It'd be much more useful if you had actually compared the tools you're linking to and/or ranked or rated them on the functionality they offer.

"wogrammer"? Really? If there's one thing I don't need (as a woman in tech) it's segregation further from your regular joe programmer.

Show me what other women are achieving - FANTASTIC - but quit with the bloody ridiculous nicknames. (Don't even get me started on "mumpreneurs"!)

IMO it's not about avoiding disagreement - I think that modelling appropriate 'conflict' resolution is important for kids - but rather making sure that kids DON'T learn that the easy way to get a 'yes' is to ask the other parent.

Do your friends lack a backbone? I'm not sure why one has to equal the other.

Obviously I can't say for sure that had my parents done X, I would have done Y, but their lack of any attempt to connect with my siblings and I on any meaningful level has had a massive impact. I don't hold a grudge against either of them but there are certainly things I know now should have raised major red flags and they completely missed them. Still, that goes deeper than whether or not I could consider them a "friend"!

Anecdotally, if I'd thought of my parents as friends, I perhaps would have been more inclined to tell them that I was being abused as a child.

I (personally) would rather blur the lines between friendship and authority and have my children trust me completely, than risk alienating them when they need me the most.

Not sure that necessitates you being less playful - just back your wife up so that you come across as a team, rather than two individuals who can be played off as each other?

It's not a bad thing that your child has found a friend in you.

I'm not really sure what your point is?

My poor misunderstood British sense of humour :)

Yes, you're right. All male progammers are in it for the tinkering and the women are just in it for the money.

My mortgage is £477 p/m on a small 2 bedroom semi-detached house. To rent I'd be looking at ~£600p/m for a small 2 bedroom flat (apartment). I'd still have to pay the same utilities etc so wouldn't be better off by any stretch of the imagination.

Hard to say. As a stay at home mum I felt unfulfilled and lonely. In the early years of returning to work full time I felt guilty for leaving my child in daycare. Working at home (with a mix of juggling kids and some daycare) I felt isolated and over-worked.

I'm actually in the process of working my notice at my current job so that I can return to working from home, but as it stands I have no intention of reducing my son's hours in childcare.

I'd like to think that I can find a balance between working (for mental satisfaction as well as financial reasons) and time with my youngest outside of childcare, but this depends on my success in the coming months. If nothing else my son starts school in September 2016 so at least I won't have a ~£645 childcare bill each month :)

Private renting in my area (as with a lot of places in the UK) would be more costly than my current mortgage.

I didn't think you were criticising parents who use childcare, least of all me, but I do feel it's necessary for people to understand that the "I'm too good for daycare" argument comes from a position of massive privilege.

I would be homeless, first and foremost, because I wouldn't be able to pay my mortgage and the bank would seize my assets.

Eventually I would be eligible for state benefits and placed on a waiting list for a council owned property, but waiting lists are long. I might be able to get shelter in a women's refuge in the mean time, but I'm not sure that's an ideal place to raise my children just so that I can claim the moral high ground on childcare use.

For me, not using childcare == not working, which means I'd probably lose my home. I'm not sure that risk is worth it.

Are there any studies on working father's impact on children? (A quick google returns a few studies on father's impact but not working ones specifically.)

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. If you work, you're a neglectful parent. If you don't, you're sucking off the state. (UK stereotypes)

I have done the 3 main variants of parent-work balance (staying at home, working at home, working out of the home) with my 2 children and I'm not convinced that any one is better than the other, personally. But what does one little anecdote mean in the grand scheme of things...

Despite this, I had my geek code proudly displayed on my website for years! :) (d- for appearance, although less so these days.)

I too can read anyone like a book, and I'd never really thought about why before but my mum also had a temper and I grew up with 2 separate abusers and left home to a 3rd. I've never considered it a skill before, or indeed realised that it wasn't that common.

I actually find it debilitating at times, because it can come out in weird ways. I will sometimes fixate on situations or even individuals and feel vast amounts of pain for them, even carrying massive guilt for things I cannot fix. (I am seeing a counsellor.)

No, but I've been one of just a small handful of women at a dev conference and it can be incredibly intimidating.

On the plus side, the queues for the loos are always short. ;)

This reminds me of when I go out running at night. I avoid running near men (particularly groups of men) because of a fear that I'll come to harm: specifically rape. It's irrational, and unreasonable, but it's the reaction I have nonetheless. (This is common, FYI, many women feel like this.)

I don't expect other people to cater towards my fear, but acknowledging that it's real and that it happens is important. Ridiculing it won't make it go away.

I also have children, and I'm not sure how it's relevant.

Of course you SHOULD be able to tell someone you're offended without the risk of backlash, but it's always a risk. Clearly Adria decided to handle that risk in a different way than you or I would have.

I know what she did. I didn't say I agreed with her approach (quite the opposite, in fact).

Totally agree with your first 3 sentences, can't agree with the last. Finding the courage to stand up and directly address someone who is making you feel uncomfortable - especially if you're a minority in a certain environment - takes a lot of courage and absolute certainty that you're not going to get a mouthful of abuse back.

(I think talking directly to the conf organisers/staff would have been the preferred route, personally.)

I get that, and I empathise for Adria, but Hank isn't the perpetrator of the abuse. It's the direction of Adria's anger that shocked me, not that she's angry.

When I was ~17, I was cast out of an online community that I had been working in/with for around 3-4 years. Overnight I lost my hobby, my so-called friends, and my entire personal life was examined in detail and revealed to the public for mocking/the enjoyment of the perpetrators.

Anyway, the scope of the backlash was not the same as it would be these days (because of the availability of Internet access for one) but my entire life was turned upside down for several years. I had to go into virtual hiding for a while. I'm 29 and I still feel shame thinking about it, even though I'm not entirely sure what it was I did "wrong".

So, I think that I have a tiny smidgen of an idea of what it's like (maybe?) and I still don't get Adria's anger.

I totally agree with you otherwise.

I remember when this incident happened. I can't remember what my reaction was at the time (probably a combination of "let's not alienate women in tech further" and "sexual jokes are OK in the right context, and a conf is propably not it") but reading this excerpt - particularly reading about Adria's continued anger(?) at Hank - really shocked me.

Really? How active a part do you play in your child's life? Because much of my non-work time is spent caring for my children. Even when they're asleep or not in the house, I am doing things for them or because of them.

See: Negative SEO

(Although Google denies it's a problem.)

My mum emptied my savings (I probably had about £5 in change) at the age of 7 to buy another pack of cigarettes. When I found out, she promised she would pay me back.

She never did.