DevToRecruiter

You can save yourself a lot of time and possibly attract the right type of candidate By posting the salary (not just a range) including all benefits as well as the type of work they’ll be responsible for (not just what skills you expect them to have). Top tier candidates have to deal with a lot of noise, you can make your signal stronger by being upfront about as much detail as possible.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know what your position is but I may be able to help you with the "finding a new job" part of your anxiety. Please feel free to reach out to me on twitter @devetorecruiter. Good luck with everything!

this is really helpful. thank you

I know you're right but just reading what wrote makes me feel queasy. Things ended so abruptly im not sure that we dont still love each other. There's a good chance that I'm fooling myself though. ughh

I feel the same way. In my case I have no love interest so I can at least pretend that that will help (it won’t). If you’re like me then it’s a near certainty that none of the suggestions here will help. I don’t have anything to offer. Im suffering with you. Alone.

Thanks, that what it feels like to me. I’ve survived over the last few years by leaning into the hatred for what she’s done to our family. Now that seems to have subsided and I’m left with the pain of knowing we will never be a family again. it feels like it will go on forever and I find my mind coming up with fanciful stories to subdue the pain but it doesn’t work anymore. The truth hurts so much.

It was very abrupt. Our marriage was difficult but I always believed we could figure it out. I think we both felt exactly the same way about each other at the end. She filed for divorce.

I'd love to chat. Looking forward!

I really appreciate your comment. I agree about "how to win friends and influence people". It feels manipulative as hell. Can you expand a little on how to actively listen better? I feel like when I try this, the conversation becomes one sided and I have to bow out for reasons you mentioned. I feel like my chances of meeting someone that I can actually authentically connect with are slim because my standard of authenticity seems higher than whats typical/common.

I do this! There's something about the way he talks that gives me perspective. Hims and Bukowski when I'm feeling particularly dark. The thing is I find myself back to where I started shortly after listening. Maybe thats the point.

I think as a child my mom often asked me if I had friends at school in this worried tone. I suppose I made a decision to hide parts of myself in order to have friends. And it worked for years, up until I got married and realized I've been lying to myself about who I am. I made a person that I thought other people would like. I'm finding that the real me is actually not only not appreciated but not tolerated, in my family and what was once my circle of friends. So, I find myself, first the first time in my life, trying to build relationships from an authentic place in my 30's.

This is pretty spot on. I grew up in an orthodox religious home where a sense of community was a given. I'm no longer part of that community and I feel it.

Regarding not trusting women, I think I don't trust because I don't understand. Of course this applies to romantic connections to women. I don't inherently distrust all women.

You're right. I think you just pointed out a deep belief I currently hold regarding connecting with other people. I don't have it right. When I used to have friends in my late 20's, I didn't need a reason to hang. I don't know why I feel like I do now.

Thats a great point! I suppose I'm trying to avoid feeling like a pos for potentially feeling like I wasted my time if the social interaction didn't alleviate my loneliness. So i do have unhealthy expectations that need to be examined further. Thanks for point that out.

Thanks for the detailed response and the kind offer. I appreciate this advice especially the less obvious piece. The typical (hobbies, hang our in public places etc.) advice just haste historically worked for me however throwing myself into my business and keeping it as my number one goal has actually helped decrease my loneliness substantially. I didn't notice until you mentioned it but I vacillate between being ok with letting money driving me and feeling like above that nonsense. I'm currently in an "I'm above that" mode, which has allowed my mind has wander and loneliness to grow. Thanks for pointing this out, I appreciate it.

Thanks for the kind words. The resistance I'm up against is that I feel like I'm just using people to alleviate the loneliness. It feels manipulative and inauthentic. Like I'm putting on a show in order to attract companionship. Thats why i want to learn how to be alone without being lonely, it frees me up to connect authentically.

When I get lonely, I talk myself into making decisions that are not smart. I know I'm making the decision irrationally but I feel helpless to do anything about it. It's like I watch myself make the horrible decision, knowing it s a horrible decision but doing it anyway usually because it'll provide some relief from the loneliness. The most impactful foolish decision I made is getting married to a woman I knew was bad for me.

I'm a recruiter that does precisely this. I don't collect resumes. I view myself as a talent agent for people in tech. A majority of the candidates I work with come from friends/colleagues whom I've worked with in the past. It's a win-win-win. Everyone involved in the process avoids wasting time.

This advice is too generic to be useful.

There are two types of recruiters. Relationship based recruiters and “numbers game” recruiters.

As a recruiter that works primarily with programmers I can usually tell within moments of meeting another recruiter which type they are.

Relationship based recruiters can be a huge asset to your career.

Here are a couple tips

1. A relationship based recruiter is almost never a general recruiter, they specialize in a specific industry. 2. The best type of recruiter is one that has intimate knowledge of your field. So ask probing questions. If they know the jargon and that’s it, pass.

Wow! PowerThesaurus is a great resource. Thank you

Also, yeah urban dictionary is a treasure

As a former programmer I completely understand where you're coming from. Live coding with someone over your shoulder and doing productive problem solving work for your employer are two completely different skillets.

As a recruiter that focuses on programming roles I've had many programmers share the same sentiment as you. Some companies understand this others don't care but I find being upfront about the programmers performance anxiety is often very helpful.

Please feel free to reach out (contact in bio )

Good Luck!