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I have been in US for almost 20 years now and I am still having trouble responding to "thank you". I have no trouble saying "thank you" though.

Replying "you are welcome" feels like an acknowledgement that something I did to be a great deal, and to a Chinese (brought up in Chinese culture), this is embarrassing -- not I think it is embarrassing but I always automatically feel embarrassing. So each time even though I know I should reply "you are welcome", I always glitch out and when it come out, it is nearly always "no problem". Of course it means "no problem" for me (to do it or do it again), not that there wasn't problem for you that need help with. To a Chinese, attitude comes first and I have the first need of being modest (not as a virtue, but to actually feel comfortable). On the other hand, in Chinese culture, right or wrong is often not that important, so it is ridiculous that people would actually interpret "no problem" as a denial of their saying thank you in the first place (from the fellow comment, and this is actually the first time for me to understand why would some one give me over reaction when I reply no problem).

I actually always feel embarrassed (for another reason) when I realized I didn't say "you are welcome" and meeting some surprised expressions.

This article got me thinking and I decided that I should not feel embarrassed any more. There is nothing wrong in Chinese culture and I have been spent great effort coping with western culture half of my life and I believe most people do respect cultures. I will reply "no problem" and if people feel surprised I'll explain that is merely a culture difference.

I'm a bit confused as I think "no problem" is the perfect response to "thank you" in American mores. I say it all the time.

It's a way of assuring the gift receiver that the gift didn't burden you, the gift giver. That makes everyone happy and allows the gift receiver to accept the gift without guilt. And no native speaker will think you meant, "your problem wasn't a problem after all."

If it's a major gift, then it might be more appropriate to say, "you're welcome." But for minor gifts (like telling the time or help with a coding problem) "you're welcome" is a tad smug.

In any case, you're right not to worry about it too much.

As an American, I tend to use "no problem" when the value of what I gave was much less than the utility they got out of it, such as when I already know the answer to a problem they've spent a lot of time researching -- for me, it's 30 seconds of recalling information, while for them, it's 30 minutes of time saved. So the person I helped ends up much more thankful than I am put out, and deflecting the need for any thanks is appropriate in my eyes.

I tend to use "you're welcome" when it's things like getting called at 4am to come pick up a friend whose car broke down in the middle of nowhere. There's absolutely no way there their request didn't mess up my day, just due to the timing and time commitment involved, so it seems more appropriate to take their thanks seriously.

But on the whole, I think both are accepted well enough by native Americans in both situations, and it's one of the less important details of the language to worry about.

I'm confused because, etymologically, there's no difference between the two statements. I see them as two parts of a whole, in fact: "it was no problem; you're welcome to ask again." An "any time" can also show up in there.

Except that for some favors, it's not true that "It was not problem", even if it is true that "you're welcome to ask again". In these cases, I use "you're welcome".

In the others, I use "no problem".

I've been practicing saying "you're welcome" more often, because I noticed that some people would honestly be confused, suspicious, or offended if I said "no problem" after doing something that was obviously a bother.

For example, I'm stranded at 3am and you give me a lift even though you were sleeping. If you say "No problem", since it's obviously a lie, I think that you might be mad or disappointed that I made such a request.

FWIW, I always say "no problem" and have, since as a kid, thought "you're welcome" was pretentious.

Same. But how about "not at all"? Sounds totally non-pretentious to my taste.

As for gifts giving - I think the top commenter meant "unwrapping gifts" upon receipt rather than "accepting" them or not accepting. Coming from xUSSR, we were also taught that it is more polite to downplay any gift received and leave unpacking for later, instead express utmost gratitude to the giver upon receipt, rather than to a quality/essence of the gift itself. It also makes it less embarassing for those who gave a very modest gift, but the recipient expresses equal gratitude to everyone (like on a birthday gift reception) not justifying it by a gift value.

PS: How China is similar to xUSSR! this must be socialist countries attitude of being more humble and downplay achievements.

"Thank you", "Not at all", seems grammatically off to me.

If you find "no problem" to be hard to say - or perhaps you feel it is hard for your listener to hear - then you could try "my pleasure". I made this small edit to my speech a few years ago.

I recently heard a nurse say, "It's my privilege" in response to a thank-you. This felt like a more heartfelt acknowledgement of the gratitude being expressed.

One might also experiment with "It's no burden", which seems to fall somewhere between "My pleasure" and "It's my privilege".

Let's say you go out of your way helping someone, because you go out your way, it is not really a pleasure. Of course it is a pleasure and a feel of privilege when someone thanks/appreciates you. So saying "my pleasure" or "it is my privilege" is accepting the "thank you". To understand in Chinese culture, it is first need to be modest (or to feel embarrassing), therefore, "my pleasure", "it is my privilege", "you are welcome" all fails to fill the bill of being modest (either that or pretentious).

In comparison, "no problem" does not deny that I went out of my way but it is not a problem for me to do it (as long as you appreciate it).

For what it's worth, from an American:

> in China, I was taught "not to accept gifts too easily"

Turning down gifts sends a strong social signal that you don't want whatever relationship the gift implies. For example, someone might turn down a valuable romantic gift from a person they don't want to date. Or, if someone offered you an excessive gift, let's say $10,000 from someone you don't know well, you might decline it because you don't want to accept the obligation that the gift implies -- what does this person want in return? However, it is appropriate when opening the gift to say 'you shouldn't have' or 'you really didn't need to bring me a gift'.

> working while you are sick. In China, this is appreciated, people would think this hard-working. But here, this is disliked. people think you are infecting people.

This depends on your workplace. In some you'll find the attitude you describe. In others, sick days are for weak, uncommitted people and you'll hear people take pride in never having taken one.

> Turning down gifts sends a strong social signal that you don't want whatever relationship the gift implies.

I believe that interpretation is incorrect.

In Chinese culture, it is important to balance social relationship, and the worst is to own someone favor. Owning some others favor means to repay the favor at some point; and you can't simply repay the equal favor later, you have to do something more significant to truly balance -- in fact, I don't think in Chinese culture, a favor can truly be repaid -- therefore, to accept a favor is truly a (lifelong) commitment. With such context, you would not want to accept a gifts easily, you would honestly would like to decline the gift (while noting down the gift givers gracious -- yes, it is all about the gesture). Also the attempt of declining downplays the favor (as the gift is not truly great favor as I could decline it).

In Chinese culture, there is a strong concept of social obligation (balance).

So Chinese do want friendship as in the intention of gift giving in a western culture, but most Chinese would rather other people owning to their favor rather than the other way around -- and Chinese do keep count -- unless the relationship is so close that there is no need to keep count any more; but then exchange gifts at such level is also absurd.

Of course when you don't want the relationship, then you absolutely don't want to accept the gifts.

PS: Actually this is how Chinese corruption works. You try hard to bribe officials with some gifts or dinner even when the official would not value your gifts at all (because he already had too much), but as long as the official accepts your gift (often because you are so sneaky that he cannot easily return your gift), then this official is obligated to help you out (often means to go out of his way). First time is always hard, but second time is much easier.

And that is why to be a Chinese official is difficult, you abide by the rule, then you become socially cold and judged down in culture; or you could be generous accepting bribes and doing favors for everyone -- you become popular, but on the other hand, you have some crimes that some day will become your downfall -- not because of law, but because of power shift (which is inevitable). Greed is just the byproduct.

In my post I happened to be talking about American culture, but yours is very interesting; thanks.

>> working while you are sick. In China, this is appreciated, people would think this hard-working. But here, this is disliked. people think you are infecting people.

> This depends on your workplace. In some you'll find the attitude you describe. In others, sick days are for weak, uncommitted people and you'll hear people take pride in never having taken one.

yup, if you work in an office and have the flu, you need to stay the fcuk home :P

This is quite interesting to read. As a Swede I find myself 50% on the Chinese side and 50% on the american side of things.

Living in Britain I see people working while sick a lot more often than in Sweden, and it really annoys me.

Do you find it hard to be open minded and understanding about these things?

I'm very open minded, but it is still difficult for me to adapt to the culture differences for two reasons.

The first problem is lacking feedback. Nobody would correct you, if there is a difference, until you find it by yourself too late or in a nasty way. Sometimes people's disfavor is very subtle, because they want to be polite too. You will have to sense it.

Many years ago, my cousin visited us in China. With her were her friends, a Filipino american family (I guess they were raised in the U.S.). They gave me a gift and I didn't open right away. They asked why? They didn't seem to be happy and accused me of being rude.

Another year, I visited Germany. My family has a very good German friend. She insisted to give me money and gifts as it was during the Chinese new year. But based on my culture training I refused it. She seemed to be upset, she thought our family was refusing her.

The second problem is that culture is really a habit thing. When it grows on you, it is really difficult to change. When people say "Oh, you are really good at this." The Chinese response would be "No, I'm not good at this at all!" But I would look like an idiot if I say this in the U.S. I knew it, but it really needs some mental power to correct it, because conversations happen so fast and sudden, you don't have time to think.

I spent a lot of time to change it to "Really!" and finally only recently I had learnt to respond "Thank you!"

> When people say "Oh, you are really good at this." The Chinese response would be "No, I'm not good at this at all!" But I would look like an idiot if I say this in the U.S. I knew it, but it really needs some mental power to correct it, because conversations happen so fast and sudden, you don't have time to think.

I find it amusing, as I live in Seattle, and the culture here is very much (at least with people I associate with) that if someone said "Wow, you know a lot about that!" you'd respond with "I know a little bit" or "I know a reasonable amount". It seems to be a weird cultural mash-up of the ideas of accepting the compliment and of denying the praise in the compliment.

> The first problem is lacking feedback. Nobody would correct you, if there is a difference, until you find it by yourself too late or in a nasty way.

As someone with a lot of immigrant friends and colleagues (the uni I went to had a lot of exchange students, and I now work as a contractor to a tech company with a lot of visa workers), any tips on sensitive ways to bring such things up?

> any tips on sensitive ways to bring such things up?

Sorry I don't have a good answer. I got finger pointed when I was young, they were older than me so they thought they could educate me.

But I guess eventually culture differences will diminish. Americans use chopsticks, Chinese people watch NBA & Hollywood. When the younger generation rules, there will be less misunderstanding.

We have to contend with idiotic HR departments that force you to have a "fit to work" meeting if you're off for a single day, which contributes to presenteeism. Also, all it takes is one person to fake sickness a couple of times, and then HR implement policies that affect everyone.

Though, among the proles, I've noticed intensifying hatred for people that come in sick...but also do it ourselves.

US perspective here, but I've seen people work while sick if only because they couldn't afford to take sick days for whatever reason. Everything from making money to pay bills/put food on the table to being unable to afford a doctor visit so they just deal with it for as long as possible. :/

There are a lot of good books on etiquette that cover both cultural norms, courtesy and manners that would have made your life a lot easier. In fact, I like to read books on foreign etiquette before traveling to another country simply because I don't want to offend anyone.

Unfortunately, no one was going to correct you on your mistakes. Since you're not a child, people assume you know better and don't want to presume you don't just because you didn't grow up here.

Do you have any particular recommendations for books?

> It took me a while to get used to say "thank you" in this situation.

Sort of denying it or "trying to make it less" (not sure how to say that correctly in English) is something I tend to do a lot as well. People here (in the Netherlands) are not offended at all.

Yeah, in my experience, denying compliments like that is generally seen as humble more than impolite (in the US).

Downplaying it.

Right, that's it!