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Comment by boogerlad | Hacker News Reader

It has been 5 years and while it's getting better, I still regret every single day. I never wanted one since I believe I'm unsuitable to be a parent, yet everyone around me assured me it would be ok. It wasn't. I don't spend more than 10 consecutive minutes of quality time with my wife each day and I have lost all desire to do anything. That doesn't really matter though, because I can't do anything. I feel like my ability to execute has been reduced so much. My kid isn't even bad. I think they are quite good. I am the problem. This makes me feel even worse because my kid loves me and I can't return it.

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Sorry to hear this. I urge you to seek some kind of help and support for this, because what you’re describing rings of depression, whatever the root cause (even if it feels obvious).

Really sorry you're going through this. I hope you're finding a few bright moments here and there. 5 was still a difficult, draining age in our house, but it gets easier. You'll find your kid playing more independently soon, maybe even just wanting to do their thing while you do yours, and that'll be a relief. It took me a long time to accept that life is different now, and to not obsess over the differences. Once I did, I suddenly found myself motivated to pick up old hobbies and felt more of a connection to my kiddo. Hang in there, and take care of yourself.

Sorry to hear you're going through that. It does sound like having someone to open up and talk to, even someone you pay (i.e. A therapist), could help. This is especially true if many crucial things around you sound to be positive.

All the best and don't forget that it can get better!

Having someone you pay is actually key here (at least for me.) Never do I want to fix something more then when there's money on the line. I'm sure that getting lucky in finding a therapist that can understand you and provide a hint as to change your approach or bolster you when you're correct but unsure. Free advice can be perfectly correct, but when you're paying maybe you take it more seriously.

>I believe I'm unsuitable to be a parent, yet everyone around me assured me it would be ok

They might just have said that not to sound alarming, and to close the subject.

You know yourself infinitely better than anyone else does, so if you have even the slightest doubt, you should never rely on others to decide what's best for you.

Be especially wary of people close to you, as proximity increases the belief of knowledge much more easily than actual knowledge.

Reminds me of a Philip Roth quote: "The fact remains that getting people right is not what living is all about anyway. It's getting them wrong that is living, getting them wrong and wrong and wrong and then, on careful reconsideration, getting them wrong again."

Kids need love and compassion. They don’t need perfect parents. You’ll have a ton more regret later if you raise a kid that becomes a broken adult.

Kids aren’t kids forever. They get older and become more autonomous. You want them to grow up and be successful in all things in life. Surprisingly, beyond some life skills, if kids have people in their life that care about them then they have a greater chance of loving themselves, which helps them face life’s challenges.

> Kids need love and compassion. They don’t need perfect parents.

Now you are just making him feel worse, since his problem is that he can't give his kids love and compassion.

By no means an I an expert, but in my experience, engaging with your family and learning to open up to them (even about your feelings of inadequacy) results in a much richer relationship. It’s like listening to a sad song when you’re sad. You may find that they are yearning to be closer to you, even if you don’t think you’re what they need.

Best of luck, friend. :)

There’s a RegretfulParents subreddit if you need to commiserate or vent.

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