Let's put it this way, imagine going to the doctor, complaining about how you’re putting on a little extra weight, your legs are getting tired, and you’re short of breath. The doctor, instead of suggesting the radical idea of a diet or exercise, goes, “Aha! What you need, my friend, is a super-fast, mechanized, all-terrain wheelchair that can drift corners at 60 mph. That’ll get you to the fridge and back in record time, ensuring your problematic lifestyle remains unscathed by reality!”

When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Construct an intricate, high-speed, international lemon delivery system, ensuring everyone gets to share in your citrusy misery, QUICly.

So here’s to QUIC, the glorious facilitator of our cybernetic decadence, ensuring that the digital freight train of unnecessary features, exhaustive trackers, and bandwidth-gulping page elements gets to you so fast, you won’t have time to realize you didn’t need any of it in the first place.

Buckle up, folks, because the future of web browsing is here and it’s screaming down the information superhighway like a minivan packed with screaming toddlers, on fire, yet somehow, inexplicably, punctual.