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Comment by rTX5CMRXIfFG | Hacker News Reader

No offense and I actually mean this to be a serious question—why did you have kids in the first place, then? It’s just that, to me, the decision to have kids necessitates that one accepts the full integration of the fact that one is a parent to all aspects of one’s life, and yet I keep seeing parents looking for “me time” as if they can still realistically isolate themselves from the new reality that they chose for themselves to begin with.

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I have a 5-year-old son. I've always known that it would mean less "me time" and less "couple time". Still, you don't really know what this means until you have to live it on a day-to-day basis.

Besides, having children is rarely a very rational decision. You do it because "everyone does it". There's a strong biological and cultural pressure to have children. And if you have one child, there's a strong pressure to have a second one.

Anyway, I find it's really important to find a way to have "couple time", as well as "me time". Grandparents, if they're close and available, are a solution. My wife and I regularly take child-free trips and weekends. I also regularly take days off to have "me time" and work on my personal projects.

I know this might sound judgemental, and maybe this is because I'm an introvert, but I don't understand people who do everything with their wife and children.

Fair question. I sometimes envy the amount of time people without kids have. But even for all the time in the World I would never trade the experience of having my three year old daughter. The pleasure I get from her is beyond anything I ever managed to get for myself, even when I had all the time in the World. Whether down to biochemistry or insanity, or both, I don't know. Having kids also helped me value my personal free time a lot more, so in some ways I feel like I'm more aligned with what I want now. Don't read any of this as advice though, I would never recommend anyone having children unless it's something you really want.

It's could that people don't realize how much this job asks of you until you get into it yourself. I feel the same. I had most time to myself when I was single, it reduced to half when I became double, reduced more than half again when I became triple.

Even than, the joy you get with your own kid can not be compared with anything you ever had before. The job is very tiring yet very fulfilling. Don't think it can be explained until you experience yourself.

I have the feeling a lot of people are just getting kids because it's what you do, everyone does it, right? Nobody thinks about the consequences anymore, I mean it's not that you can't have an day away from your kids once in a while, but I feel like once people have kids they expect them somehow to be finished products that just should do what you tell them, and just be around when it is convenient for the parents.

I honestly think it's the opposite. It wasn't long ago that child-free wasn't something that was socially acceptable (at least in the US). The path was graduate high school (and maybe college) and then get married and have kids. And a there are parts of the world that the pressure is still there to an insane level.

Now we have books like "The Baby Decision" that really helps people think about this and envision what it looks like on both sides of the fence. Even the decision to have more than one kid wasn't really thought about. Because you have one, of course you're having at least another one.

None of this was the norm. Go ask some people older than 50 or 60 why they chose to have kids. I would bet a lot of them didn't really consider another option.

I suspect that the implications of the choice are not that obvious/present when the „decision“ is made.

Do you not ever do anything that has upsides as well as downsides?

For example, moving to a city, and then being envious of those who have lots of space? Or moving to the country, and then being envious of those who have all of the stores on their doorstep?

This is one question I keep hoping to find people who have good answers for it but all answers I found so far have been disappointing.

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