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Comment by binwiederhier | Hacker News Reader

I envy people without kids sometimes. A "me day" is just not in the realm of possibly when you have kids. A "me hour" maybe, or when your kids go to daycare even a "me 3 hours", but not a day.

Eventually I hear you get some of that freedom back. But boy it's a long road.

Good for you for being able to enjoy life like that. Hello from the other side.

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No offense and I actually mean this to be a serious question—why did you have kids in the first place, then? It’s just that, to me, the decision to have kids necessitates that one accepts the full integration of the fact that one is a parent to all aspects of one’s life, and yet I keep seeing parents looking for “me time” as if they can still realistically isolate themselves from the new reality that they chose for themselves to begin with.

I suspect that the implications of the choice are not that obvious/present when the „decision“ is made.

I have the feeling a lot of people are just getting kids because it's what you do, everyone does it, right? Nobody thinks about the consequences anymore, I mean it's not that you can't have an day away from your kids once in a while, but I feel like once people have kids they expect them somehow to be finished products that just should do what you tell them, and just be around when it is convenient for the parents.

I honestly think it's the opposite. It wasn't long ago that child-free wasn't something that was socially acceptable (at least in the US). The path was graduate high school (and maybe college) and then get married and have kids. And a there are parts of the world that the pressure is still there to an insane level.

Now we have books like "The Baby Decision" that really helps people think about this and envision what it looks like on both sides of the fence. Even the decision to have more than one kid wasn't really thought about. Because you have one, of course you're having at least another one.

None of this was the norm. Go ask some people older than 50 or 60 why they chose to have kids. I would bet a lot of them didn't really consider another option.

It's could that people don't realize how much this job asks of you until you get into it yourself. I feel the same. I had most time to myself when I was single, it reduced to half when I became double, reduced more than half again when I became triple.

Even than, the joy you get with your own kid can not be compared with anything you ever had before. The job is very tiring yet very fulfilling. Don't think it can be explained until you experience yourself.

Fair question. I sometimes envy the amount of time people without kids have. But even for all the time in the World I would never trade the experience of having my three year old daughter. The pleasure I get from her is beyond anything I ever managed to get for myself, even when I had all the time in the World. Whether down to biochemistry or insanity, or both, I don't know. Having kids also helped me value my personal free time a lot more, so in some ways I feel like I'm more aligned with what I want now. Don't read any of this as advice though, I would never recommend anyone having children unless it's something you really want.

I have a 5-year-old son. I've always known that it would mean less "me time" and less "couple time". Still, you don't really know what this means until you have to live it on a day-to-day basis.

Besides, having children is rarely a very rational decision. You do it because "everyone does it". There's a strong biological and cultural pressure to have children. And if you have one child, there's a strong pressure to have a second one.

Anyway, I find it's really important to find a way to have "couple time", as well as "me time". Grandparents, if they're close and available, are a solution. My wife and I regularly take child-free trips and weekends. I also regularly take days off to have "me time" and work on my personal projects.

I know this might sound judgemental, and maybe this is because I'm an introvert, but I don't understand people who do everything with their wife and children.

Do you not ever do anything that has upsides as well as downsides?

For example, moving to a city, and then being envious of those who have lots of space? Or moving to the country, and then being envious of those who have all of the stores on their doorstep?

This is one question I keep hoping to find people who have good answers for it but all answers I found so far have been disappointing.

Me days involve the kids and I wouldn't have it any other way

I've had plenty of me time thinking on my own, but I think it's been better with my kids involved. More holistic thinking of life, home, family.

My girlfriend and I never wanted kids and that lack of time, not just for banal things, is something I've noticed takes a toll on a lot of relationships as well. More than a few friends my age with kids have told me that the lack of time has impacted their relationships quite badly. Honestly the more time goes on the the happier I am with that decision. Few years ago we relocated to another country, my girlfriend started a business, that kind of freedom I wouldn't want to give up.

I’ve been known to plan a me weekend. Of course this relies on care for the kids, in this case my wife (who gets her own weekends as well…). I try to keep it simple. An Airbnb or even hotel within an hours drive, head out on Friday afternoon and back on Sunday. Do whatever I want during that time. I’d say I manage this perhaps annually.

If I did that airbnb thing my spouse would suspect I was having an affair.

I think the idea is that you tell your spouse first.

If she already knows about the affair do you need to bother spending money on the Airbnb?

Sure! It’s about the excitement of new passion after all.

Same as you. Me days are a rarity nowadays.

But you know what's funny? When I get one, I miss my kids!

I’m a parent with a little one, and still figure out tons of creative ways to bake in a little me time.

It’s daunting, sure. When you can’t even remember what you ate for breakfast and you’re 12 loads of laundry behind, it’s hard to imagine just disengaging for any amount of time.

But if you’re scrupulous in how you allocate your time, you can find ways to do it.

It’s worth it, I promise.

This is why working in the office is so good. Peace and quiet at last. OK there is noise but its grownups.

Can’t you leave them with a grandparent or babysitter?

here here, fellow parent-in-arms

I know, I was there once. But a time will come. Cherish the moments now. And later, enjoy the freedom. Perhaps too soon.

Well, you decided to get kids so that's one point / part / way of fulfilling your life I guess...

(I don't get wanting to have one, especially the older I get so there's that ;-) )

IME the parental instincts associated with children do not simulate well, at least in men (can’t speak for women). I did not like children at all, and thinking about children did not trigger any instinctive feelings. Once I had my own then the instincts turned on. The human system is quite good at producing chemical rewards for certain behaviors.

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