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Comment by mettamage | Hacker News Reader

Male here: there are ways around it. Currently having 1 to 2 dates per week (still all friend zone, but I'm just back into it, so it's a skill issue, slowly getting better).

The biggest thing that has helped me is to cater towards my "niche", which means I need to focus on presenting myself as artistic, meditative and adventurous. Those are strong sides of my personality. I need to dial down the logic/rational side, and dial up my playful side. That seems to work relatively well. Adjust on a case by case basis of course, also dial things back to normal when you get to know them for longer.

It's polarizing, but the matches I get are more up my alley immediately :)

And yea, I had to experiment relentlessly. Then again, that’s life.

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Regarding your "niche", I have noticed that dating apps will not let you say that you are a programmer. I have scrolled through the "my interests" list of Tinder, Bumble, and OkCupid, and the only one that more or less fits is "startups", but that's it. I honestly feel midly offended.

Do you want to say that your interests are reading, traveling, living and laughing? Sure, go ahead. Do you want to write "tech"? Sorry, this app is for cool kids only.

There’s a bio where you can write text. If you want to be accurate, you can do it there.

I don’t even have my job on there. Most people don’t get programming, so I don’t want to steer the conversation there.

I write the fun stuff in my bio.

I know you can write anyhting you want in there, that's not my point. And no, I don't want to write how proficient in Python I am.

My point is: if you are a tech-minded person who likes tech for fun the apps will discourage you from showing it. Bumble's interest list [1] has ca. 200 interests including ~20 TV show genres, 30 sports, 10 types of traveling, and 15 personality traits. And yet there's exactly one mildly-tech-related interest, namely, "video games".

Being at my most generous I would read that as "geeks tend to make horrible dating profiles so Bumble steers them towards what's more likely to get them dates", but (as I said originally) I feel mildly insulted by the idea that "bringing my whole self" is something to discourage.

[1] https://eddie-hernandez.com/bumble-profile-template-prompts-...

It looks like they simply don't have entries for stereotypically male-dominated activities. No home improvement, no woodworking, no cars or motorcycles, etc. And thus, of course, no entries for anything tech-related.

That's why you have prompts and bios to list this info. These interests lists are not mandatory and are very basic (people who know how to write a good profile can skip these interests and use their own words - more effective.

Not listing function/job is rather vague, suspicious. Might as well put entrepreneur aka unemployed.

The more vague your profile is, the less information people have to assess lifestyle choices, availability, financial security etc.

You mention OkCupid by name, and for the longest time they let you pick in the 'Languages' field C++. I used to use that as shorthand for programmer. Saw a handful of people use it here and there.

Also it's not like they deleted your profile if you mentioned being a programmer in any of the open text boxes. I've spotted several people that mentioned that in their profiles, and I was looking at women exclusively, so I didn't see it as often, but I did see it.

This was quite a few years ago though. Might be different now.

The technical accuracy of your job title probably won’t be the determining factor as to whether a girl likes your profile or not.

> Do you want to write "tech"? Sorry, this app is for cool kids only.

You can still type that in your profile prompts and bio. No one is stopping you from doing that.

If you want more interests listed, just contact Bumble. They are known to make relatively straightforward updates to the app like this.

Man that's fucking tedious. Thing I like about in-person meetings, which is the only way I've ever ended up in a relationship with someone, is that I don't have to be a fucking salesman and can just be me.

I do both. The dating landscape has changed, or so it seems. I time capsuled for 10 years (2 long-term relationships that happened quickly one after another). Imagine my shock when I noticed many people are online now. I meet people IRL (actually right now I just met someone on the train :P). But it really does have a different feel to it nowadays.

Did you go up and initiate conversation with that person on the train? I feel like interacting with strangers has been heavily discouraged in the US but it's really the best way to expand your social circle.

Yea

I initiated by saying: I like your scarf-jacket combo. Did you match it on purpose?

Note: when giving a compliment, expect nothing in return. Simply know that you prefer a conversation but be ready to jump out at a moment’s notice when she isn’t feeling it.

Her: haha, no I always have this scarf

Me: even with a deep purple coat?

Her: even then…

Me: oh god… going to Berlin?

Her: yep, you?

Me: same, I think almost everyone is going to Berlin

Her: I guess yea

Me: so what are you up to there?

Etc.

> friend zone

People who think like this exude unattractiveness, no matter how old you luck or how smart and funny and talented you are in your non-dating life.

If you go online dating and end up making friends, you WON online dating, because now you have wingpeople IRL to want to hook you up with their friends.

> because now you have wingpeople IRL to want to hook you up with their friends.

Not all friends are the type to wing other friends. Especially not casual friends, which is still what a “friend zone” includes.

I find this kinda odd to be honest. Like you want your friends to be happy. So if you have two single friends that you think might hit it off, why not? You don't have to set them up on a blind date, but just host some event and invite both. No real pressure.

>you want your friends to be happy That's the assumption you're making!

You need better friends then (also, press enter twice to get a new line on HN)

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