Comment by incomingpain | Hacker News Reader

Comment by incomingpain | Hacker News Reader

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Well start by acknowledging you won't be changing them. You can only change/control yourself.

So you need to identify what is making you such a target. Perhaps because you're the spookie rookie? Or is it more? You have identified you feel bad but why? Figuring this out is how you fix not becoming the target in the future.

You can try manipulation. Whenever you are alone with them you talk them up, 'oh man you're too talented to be here' type of talk. It could help. Beware getting caught.

Learn from dogs. How did you respond to this person? If you respond non-emotionally or neutraly to their bad behaviour. Imagine you were dogs. You have 1 dog coming and nipping at you. What do you do? You show your teeth first, if it doesnt stop, you growl, if it doesn't stop you either leave or you bite.

Also be sure you're responding correctly. If someone isnt being an asshole and everyone around doesnt think their behaviour is wrong. When you bite back, you become the asshole. So you have to be sure you're on the right side.

> Whenever you are alone with them you talk them up

I recommend this strongly (and in a non-manipulative way too). If you have a 1:1 call with someone and open with a few compliments, it can do wonders. It takes a gigantic amount of humility to do this based upon the story so far, but if you can stay focused on the big picture it will usually work out better for everyone. Think: Take extra shit today and maybe you wind up being this person's boss sooner rather than later.

Be nice, especially when it is undeserved. This is the thing people expect the least and will give you an advantage. In a group setting, taking your 50 lashes with a cheery disposition will eventually result in other participants adopting a foul mood regarding the person doing the lashing.

It is an old and a true maxim, that a "drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall." So with men. If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey that catches his heart, which, say what he will, is the great highroad to his reason, and which, when once gained, you will find but little trouble in convincing his judgment of the justice of your cause, if indeed that cause really be a just one.

-Abe Lincoln.

>> It takes a gigantic amount of humility to do this based upon the story so far,

Been there, done that. Now I'm at the stage where something in me throws up at every interaction with said person.

>> will eventually result in other participants adopting a foul mood regarding the person doing the lashing

This has happened as well. But like I said the one person that is _his_damned_job_ to fix this cannot or will not do anything.

>> what is making you such a target

He is intimidated. Because, even though I didn't get a paycheck from google I'm as good or better than him. Not that I ever made it an issue but he's obviously traumatized by smarter colleagues/managers back in his career and he's looking for a payback at a second rate company.

>He is intimidated. B

You started off saying he's an ex-googler. His resume is probably pretty respectable? Someone with a good resume is likely not intimidated. This 'second rate company' could collapse tomorrow and he's really not worried. He'll find the next spot; so why be intimidated. I find the more senior engineers generally understand this.

You say he's egotistical. Egotistical people are never intimidated. So I'm curious by your contradiction.

>I'm as good or better than him.

You are comparing yourself to him as the rookie on the team? He has an immediate advantage of understanding the company's infrastructure from experience. You may well be better than him despite this huge disadvantage but that's not the problem. You should never compare yourself to others. You may only compare yourself to yourself of yesterday. Are you better off today than you were yesterday?

I'm curious, you're a rookie, where are you coming from? Presumably not google.

In your previous position(s) did you have someone similar?

>Egotistical people are never intimidated.

Egotistic behavior is actually a response (most of the time unconscious) to being intimidated. Truly capable people are rarely egotistic. I am talking about people at the top of their game, like Field medalists, Nobel laureates..etc. I doubt his colleague is egotistic to a beggar, for example.

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