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Comment by davidguetta | Hacker News Reader

You can 100% have kids.

Not only biologically but also There are thousands of younger 30ish women who'd see 0 problem have a kid with a mature 40 y.o. (rather than a 30 y.o. whos head is not there yet)

Of course you probably wont have the same relationship with your wife but thats your life, not hers. And if you wake up with panic attacks over kids you HAVE to do it or youll never forgive yourself in 10 / 20 years.

And if you feel guilty about reversing your decision to be childless, think that same way that you can give and take back consent any time, you have the right to change your mind anytime.

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This is the worst advice to give. He chose not to have with the one he is married to. And you are saying to turn his back on that same person. And have it with someone else!

People change and so do relationships.

Marriage was invented when there was no contraception and life expecancy was half of what it was now.. No one should be miserable for the sake of "being married".

married people change together. Their relationship changes together.

Invented is such a terrible word. It was a contract. And within that contract was a place for love to grow without the idea the person was going to leave. And within that love was a place for family.

Today some celebrate the inverse. Have family. Then love. Then marry. Then divorce. And leaves little to no safe place for any of the above.

Marriage is a contract your future self may regret. It may seem like the right thing now but you at the end of your life may think differently.

The OP regrets not having children. His younger self made that decision. He is not too old to go and have kids with someone else or adopt (say as a single dad even).

Go have kids man! If your wife doesn't want to then get divorced. If she does then work together. IVD, adoption etc...

Marriage is a contract upon which every other mutual decision in life is made upon. You need to have a better reason than changing decisions to divorce or annul a marriage. She made that decision too after all and it was made together for each other.

You remain faithful to the contract, or you are violating the contract in bad faith.

Here in the USA we have no fault divorces.

There’s no requirement to give a reason or even have a reason to end a marriage.

Interesting.

> married people change together. Their relationship changes together

In some case yes. "Hope for the best, plan for the worst as people say".

> life expecancy was half of what it was now.

Marriage is between adults and life expectancy for adults was nearly the same as it is now.

I would expect HN to know that life expectancy in earlier times was suppressed due to child mortality.

Marriage is a contract. When things so intrinsic to your core are being denied, you absolutely have a right to reconsider that.

Marriage is not some form of slavery. It's painful to have dissolved... But very doable if the situation is bad enough.

Now the problem with op, is that it appears he is depressed and burnt-out, and is transferring the depression to a biological drive for children. To do this would be unhealthy for everyone, including any children they bring in the world.

Is it really better for him to stay with her, when it makes him unhappy? At least this way she can find someone who actually wants to be childless with her, instead of risking resentment

Wow that is so superegoistic I'd say any child deserves a better dad. It may also be something else what's wrong, please reflect and try more, and also if you are not already in a trustless broken relationship start talking with your wife about it.

> And if you wake up with panic attacks over kids you HAVE to do it or youll never forgive yourself in 10 / 20 years.

No, that is definitely not set in stone, you may not find fulfillment in that, please that possibility also in mind.

> but thats your life,

No, it is also your wife's and your eventual future child's life, but I'd not take this advice if only for your life unless your current relationship is already broken. The sudden you regret your childlessness, the same you may regret this decision and consequences soon.

This is not particularly egoistic. People change overtime and relationships are formed or broken everyday according to people respective evolution.

In PARTICULAR, wanting or not children is probably the n°1 important criteria to be in a relationship or not. Im not telling him to leave his wife but its an option that is very likely to appear, and also that "staying because of past decision to your wife" might bring more pain to him on the long run than leaving her to have a child. Its a purely rational decision (which of course is not to be rushed either).

People (like you?) seem to believe in the "soulmates for life" dream but practical experienxe has shown me its not for everybody and many people end up miserable by saying in the same relationship out of principles or fear while they had so many good other options at some point..

Choose wisely.

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