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Comment by kgwxd | Hacker News Reader

I thought I had that desire most of my life and recently figured out that was far more about my major anxiety to be able to provide quality "service" (as the article calls it) in all relationships, from casual conversation to romantic. Obviously, there are still times I want to be alone, but I'm more aware if it's due to anxiety and try to deal with that feeling if it is. That's just what I figured out for myself, not trying to speak for anyone else.

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A good thought experiment here would be: If you were magically assured that the other people would be thrilled to be around you, find all your jokes funny, etc (fill in your own fantasies), would you still want to be alone?

That distinguishes between "I truly want to be alone" and "I want to be alone because I am not the person I wish I were".

That's a useful realization. I have come to similar realization for myself in recent years. In case it is useful to others who might see this, I have found it useful to explore this dynamic in myself through the framework of avoidant attachment styles. There are some helpful resources and supportive communities available online for people wanting to find happier/healthier ways of navigating their attachment style. In particular there are a couple of avoidance focused subreddits that I've found supportive and they keep a list of links to other resources that many find helpful.

Thanks. I never heard that term, just reading the first search result it definitely seems to be right in the domain of what I'm figuring out.

You're welcome. Just so you are aware, if you go down that route, there are some attachment style resources/communities (even pretty mainstream ones) that demonize avoidant attachment styles a bit, so if you run into that, know that those might not be the best places for someone with avoidant style to look for help but that there are places that are more supportive of us.

That's a really powerful self-discovery. Obviously some people are more introverted than others, but introversion has more to do with how we handle (over)stimulation than it does desire for social connection and acceptance. Humans are incredibly social creatures by nature. Even the most introverted people usually want connection.

I'm extremely fortunate to have a partner that valued what we had enough to stick around for a long time but, this past year, it was starting to reach a breaking point. That lead to big talks, some scary but polite, some loud and angry. A lifetimes worth of under-the-surface stuff all came out over just a few months.

What I think we figured out is that we have "compatible" (co-enabling) anxieties that keep our relationship mostly functional. That feels like a drastic over-simplification but accurate, I think. All I know is it feels like the most emotionally productive year of my life and our relationship is way better now. However, I still haven't figured out how to tone down the anxiety much :)

> What I think we figured out is that we have "compatible" (co-enabling) anxieties

Good news, you're completely normal. Every couple has their unconscious dance both in a positive and negative way.

Barring physical ailments, low vitamin D (etc), the solution for anxiety is do your healing work. Anxiety is often unresolved fear, anger, shame, guilt, etc. Everyone has anxieties, and they have to be dealt with daily.

In my case, I used to want to be in a relationship, but with age the prospect lost all appeal, and people ceased being interesting to me in that way at all. I never get the thoughts "oh, this person is really nice, I wonder whether I should ask them out on a date" anymore. I do however value normal friends a lot more than I used to. Still I need space even from friends. My life wouldn't be as enjoyable without the solitary mountain hikes and shooting photos of animals for hours alone.

thanks for sharing, it's nice to see personal insight about something not related to work here.

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