I've got a bit of a love/hate relationship with MDMA. I tried it for the first time around age 26, and did it about 4x a year the 3 years after, usually with my girlfriend. In the past year I've not done any drugs and am conflicted about where to go from here.
The initial experiences the first year were really just pure bliss in a way I'd not experienced before, and the feeling of being on cloud 9 lasted pretty strongly for weeks, and months later I could still relive the good feelings by recollecting it, or listening to certain music. As you describe, speaking comfortably with your partner was amazing. The feeling of having empathy for a loved one, and receiving it back, was one of the most wonderful aspects of it, the one I probably enjoyed the most, and longed for while sober. (more-so than the body-feel, the touching, the music, all of which was amazing too).
In the second year of use that developed into a more black/white experience of a heavy-upper and then a complete lack of it the day after. I don't think I had any downers, but the contrast between pure bliss one moment, and a very regular mundane living room setting that same evening, was definitely strange. It put the presence or absence of happiness in the spotlight, whereas before I didn't generally pay that much attention to my state of happiness. Feeling bliss wasn't an obsession, and lacking it wasn't an issue. After MDMA, that calculus changed a little bit.
In that year I also realise how artificial the experiences of drugs were. MDMA still gave me amazing experiences with friends and my SO, some of the conversations we'd not normally have really did have lasting effects in a positive way. At the same time, it felt like we were cheating. Feeling comfortable enough on drugs to discuss certain things is great, but it also highlighted we weren't communicating completely honestly without drugs. And lastly, there were some indications that we weren't the same person on drugs, either, and that the drug personality wasn't necessarily the 'real one' that lies underneath without inhibitions. I've seen friends cheerfully smile as they told me their phone was stolen at a festival due to drugs, whereas they lost precious pictures/data and money (which they couldn't afford), and were devastated about this the next day.
I still enjoyed MDMA without any cynicism, but the rose-tinted glasses had come off.
In the third year of use I think I noticed I was slightly less happy generally, and while on drugs the highs weren't as high. It's hard to isolate this, it could have a million causes. But my feeling was my brain has been altered for the worse due to the drugs and that it was time to stop. It's been a year now and I'm quite happy to have stopped. At the same time, an amazing experience unlike any other is a few dollars and 30 minutes away. I'm happy to have tried drugs, but I kind of feel it's probably best for me to stay away from it from now on and treat it like a middle-class family treats a Michelin star restaurant: every few years, on vacation, you may indulge, but otherwise you don't think about it. I think those who can limit it to once a year or even less, will find MDMA is quite amazing. For those like me who went down the rabbit hole a bit and tried it multiple times a year for years (or worse, those who do it every weekend), probably will suffer at some point.
Take my input with a grain of salt. I am no professional.
But to me it is just like saying it is cheating to go to a therapist and talk about things you won't normally talk about. The whole point of these experiences is to shift your perspective so you can explore things under different lights. Doesn't make these experiences any less valid. You shouldn't beat yourself because it was chemically induced state of openness, it is awesome you can go there if you need to, as long as the altered state doesn't become a refuge.
I do feel like there's some sort of damage from it. Feel like I stutter a bit more, and somedays I'm very socially apprehensive. Do you think time can heal from it?
I experienced a similar thing by going to therapy. I don’t necessarily get better overall, but more confident in handling the dark times.
I personally feel I used to have quite a good memory, able to remember things I was told without being interested. Now I feel my memory is sharp with those items I find important to remember, but details of random conversations I don’t automatically store anymore. When revisiting those conversations later I find myself noticing I forgot things. I also search for words a bit more often. But it’s hard to recognise the pattern and even harder to trace it to MDMA.
But it is all in line with the impact on memory tasks from academic studies on MDMA users.
Not familiar with the symptoms you noted personally or academically.
My hunch is that damage will be partially temporary and partially permanent. But really it’s just a hunch.
This reminds me of something I periodically see about ADHD medicine. There’s some debate about whether it makes you more productive or whether it just makes you feel like you’re more productive.
I’m pretty firmly undecided about whether or not the distinction even matters.
Many people report feelings of “wearing glasses for the first time” after their first few doses of either amphetamine or methylphenidate. I haven’t had that kind of wow moment yet, but there has definitely been a subtle shift in my behaviour.
The questions are:
(1) Is the effect unique to people with ADHD, or does everyone get this focus boost?
(2) Is the effect sustainable over the long term, or are you just building up to an eventual crash where you have to wean yourself off the drugs very painfully.
I don't really have any firm opinions on the answers, but I do think that your first few weeks of experience doesn't count for much.
What I can contribute to #1 is that, apparently (per my psychiatrist), people who experiment with drugs sometimes discover that drugs like cocaine and amphetamine behave quite differently for them than with non-ADHD people; instead of getting ramped up, they find it calms them down. Of course, with a sufficiently high dose they’ll get ramped up too, but there’s a pronounced, confusing (to the user) dip in the dose response that the people around them don’t seem to experience. I’ve never tried either, so I can’t comment on that first hand.
She was on her way to a graduate degree in Biochemistry, but lost interest. She didn't blame MDMA, but felt she probally shouldn't have taken it.
I was always too cautious to take drugs from unknowable sources, but based on the positive things she said, I'm curious about therapeutic uses of MDMA and would be open to trying it with my therapist, if I had way to be confident in the safety and purity of it. I think the only way I would feel comfortable would be if it came from a pharmaceutical source, so I probably won't be trying it any time soon.
You can definitely screw yourself up doing it too often, or doing too much at once.
Just my $0.02.
The last time this happened was in early 2021. At that time, one of my friends was about to leave for another country for work. My friend luckily managed to find a dealer. For around 3 months before he left, both of us would have an ecstasy pill each (not pure MDMA) every weekend and party. The abuses stopped and over time I did not feel any more anger towards the girl. Once my friend left, I stopped the ecstasy every week even though I take one every 2-3 months. However, my mental health has improved remarkably and I am now focused on re-skilling myself. I have never been so positive in my life.
I like to think MDMA has given me a second chance in life and it is up to me to make the most of it.
My supposed girlfriend actually enjoyed experimenting with drugs before we met, and occasionally used to do cocaine. I never touched them, even though I drink and smoke. Perhaps if I got the chance to do MDMA with her a couple of times our relationship could have been better. But I will never know.