Feeling confused about the thing I'm working on, but not taking the time to really understand it because:

1. I have so many years of people telling me that I'm "overthinking things" or "trying to understand the universe"

2. I'm behind-schedule on the task, as usual.

3. I'm worried about getting fired again.

I'll watch talks like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAQ6t3F_2Ug&t=800s and think "Yes! I'd like to live in that world. To have a mental model of the world and be writing code to refine that." I just wish that when I was utterly confused, I could put my foot down and say "No. I'm going go draw some diagrams and ask questions and understand what is going on here. My questions are reasonable and relevant." and draw out a flawed-but-coherent mental model.

But that's not realistic -- not until I have a reputation for actually delivering at pace.

Someday I hope to be productive enough that I can have the political capital to buy myself the time understand what I'm working on as I go. But that is probably as unrealistic a pipe dream as becoming a father.

I have promises to keep.

And miles to go before I sleep.

And miles to go before I sleep...