Comment by andykx | Hacker News Reader

Comment by andykx | Hacker News Reader

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I am not lonely. I'm lucky enough to have had the same group of close friends since we were like, 5 years old, a girlfriend, and family about 35 minutes away.

That being said, we live in a relatively rural place and I see a lot of people struggle with loneliness. It's not as simple as "joining a group" when there aren't any around. Maybe you could go to a bar, but the people at the bar are mostly older townies (we're mid-20s to early-30s). Plus, going to bars is less fun when you have to think about driving home. They could go to church, but most people around my age aren't religious, and the few people who do go to Church around here tend to live very faith-focused lives.

I guess the ultimate solution is to leave their hometowns. I've pushed several of them to go back to school as a method of getting out of their situations and meeting people, and it's honestly been kind of successful. We live in NY, so school is free if you meet certain economic requirements. It's been great to see them flourish.

Even in bigger places, it's never as simple as joining a group. I think everyone who suggests that is just (again) confusing solitude and loneliness. Being in a group and being lonely is both common and potentially quite painful. I find it easier to deal with loneliness in solitude than in a group.

A thing I think people don't fully recognize is that social dynamics in a group requires a few things that are difficult:

* Consistent presence (a weekly hacknight? Go every week! Go every week for months! and each and every time talk to people.)

* Openness and willingness to address difficult situations (if someone is having trouble with something, simply saying "oh, yeah I spent like days on this when I tried it, even though I have years of experience in this field! Here's what worked for me...", being willing to ask for help, being willing to be open and genuinely curious about other people's lives)

* The willingness to initiate contact with curiosity, praise, and genuine enjoyment of the moment of interaction. Desperation and early escalation are red flags to people (vulnerable demographics like women especially), so consistently interacting in a friendly and open manner, then suggesting casual interactions like drinks with people or offering your number to discuss activity-related situations ("I gotta go now, but if you have any other questions about $<technology> hit me up! I love this stuff!" does a lot) will slowly grow one's social network and eventually resolve a lack of friends.

But it takes time. A lot of time. Months and months of time and consistently being there and being open and friendly.

Part of the problem is that making meaningful, deep, trustworthy, help-you-bury-the-bodies friends is every bit as difficult as finding a husband/wife/long-term-romantic-partner.

It's one of those things that you can stumble on by accident or try, try, try for years to either succeed or fail with no rhyme or reason. Some people have luck with apps, some people don't. Some people make a passel in grade school or college that carry them through life, some people don't.

I can't tell you how to find those deep, life-long "best" friends; I don't think anyone, anywhere can.

All we can do is offer some advice on how to make the easier, more common, less complicated simple social connections, work-acquaintances, school-acquaintances, church-acquaintances, softball-acquaintances, library-acquaintances, meetup-acquaintances, with the vague promises that something more meaningful might develop from that.

(Also, to try to convince you that the "lesser" social connections you make with people who are happy to talk to you about a common interest or the weather or life in general or how much you hate your job for 15 or 30 minutes at a time every few weeks as part of a large group are actually quite meaningful and important.)

It’s one piece of a larger picture as an option to meet people in your area. It’s not the only thing.

The driver of solving the problem of loneliness is getting sick of being lonely enough that you become determined to fix it. What that may look like for everyone is different, I just posted some examples.

Usually there’s some type of local organization, but I guess that depends on how rural we’re talking. Even a rotary club or something similar. There’s usually a charity organization of some sort.

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