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> use loneliness as a motivator to decide you aren’t going to be lonely anymore and find ways to fix the problem.

I'm sure it wasn't intended, but your post comes across as incredibly dismissive. Oh, you are lonely? You just need motivation. Oh, your family is a toxic dumpster fire that taught you all the wrong social skills? Dont move away from that. Oh, you are lonely? Try golf and church.

Your basic point that loneliness wont magically fix itself is true, but your words instead magically wave away every complication.

People can be introverts that nonetheless want social contact. By the end of a workday I'm exhausted. My peers all have young children, making schedules harder to coordinate and many of the activities I enjoy are off the table if one cant string 3 sentences together without interruption.

Which isnt to say that I cant work on improving things, but posts like yours are incredibly discouraging. It just says that my problems are my fault for bring me. Instead of saying I should find options that work for me it just says to learn to enjoy what I hate. It says just get motivated.

That's the kind of thing that makes people MORE alienated and lonely, and LESS motivated to think there is hope.

Was not intended. I was shy and lonely and it never got better until I got so sick of being lonely that I forced myself to overcome the problems.

Get motivated...to not be lonely so you get determined to find ways to fix it.

The longer you’re lonely the more you get sick of it until it motivates you to find a way. That’s what I meant. It’s pain and eventually you will seek pain relief.

Honestly, your comments are pretty much an r/wowthanksimcured meme.

If that's how you're reading it, it is because you want to.

Loneliness isn't fixed easily and it requires a lot of effort on your part to fix it. Until you hit the point that you're determined to fix it, it won't get fixed.

It's not a virus that just has to run its course. You have to purposefully have the resolve to change it and over time, being lonely for long enough will make you hit a point where you say "Enough is enough. I'm not going to spend my life lonely."

Step 1 might be hitting the gym or joining a workout group like F3 or cross fit. Looking for a club like Toastmasters to help make you more comfortable stepping out of your shell. Invite people to lunch.

Start following a sports team and find other people who do too to talk about it with and get together with to watch / attend the games. Hockey games are a blast in person once you figure out what's going on.

None of it is going to make a difference unless you, personally, are determined to fix it.

I think the key issue is that you've addressed your loneliness that was due to shyness. Others will have loneliness due to other causes.

In all cases we need to take actions ourselves, because nothing will change otherwise, but the actions we need to take will differ, and all of us appreciate compassion and understanding of our different circumstances.

I'm not sure you realize that loneliness isn't just solitude or the state of being alone, it's pain. Like physical pain, it's a protective response we've evolved to spur ourselves toward self-preservation. But you can't just tell someone to "just stop X that causes you pain," any more than you can tell an alcoholic to just stop drinking, or a procrastinator to just start working. I don't think you have empathy for people who are lonely.

I absolutely do. I’m saying that from experience.

Nobody has the power to fix your loneliness except for you. You just have to hit a point where you are so tired of being lonely that you decide for yourself that you are going to find a way to not be lonely anymore. That often means forcing yourself out of your comfort zone.

I am not lonely. I'm lucky enough to have had the same group of close friends since we were like, 5 years old, a girlfriend, and family about 35 minutes away.

That being said, we live in a relatively rural place and I see a lot of people struggle with loneliness. It's not as simple as "joining a group" when there aren't any around. Maybe you could go to a bar, but the people at the bar are mostly older townies (we're mid-20s to early-30s). Plus, going to bars is less fun when you have to think about driving home. They could go to church, but most people around my age aren't religious, and the few people who do go to Church around here tend to live very faith-focused lives.

I guess the ultimate solution is to leave their hometowns. I've pushed several of them to go back to school as a method of getting out of their situations and meeting people, and it's honestly been kind of successful. We live in NY, so school is free if you meet certain economic requirements. It's been great to see them flourish.

Usually there’s some type of local organization, but I guess that depends on how rural we’re talking. Even a rotary club or something similar. There’s usually a charity organization of some sort.

Even in bigger places, it's never as simple as joining a group. I think everyone who suggests that is just (again) confusing solitude and loneliness. Being in a group and being lonely is both common and potentially quite painful. I find it easier to deal with loneliness in solitude than in a group.

It’s one piece of a larger picture as an option to meet people in your area. It’s not the only thing.

The driver of solving the problem of loneliness is getting sick of being lonely enough that you become determined to fix it. What that may look like for everyone is different, I just posted some examples.

Part of the problem is that making meaningful, deep, trustworthy, help-you-bury-the-bodies friends is every bit as difficult as finding a husband/wife/long-term-romantic-partner.

It's one of those things that you can stumble on by accident or try, try, try for years to either succeed or fail with no rhyme or reason. Some people have luck with apps, some people don't. Some people make a passel in grade school or college that carry them through life, some people don't.

I can't tell you how to find those deep, life-long "best" friends; I don't think anyone, anywhere can.

All we can do is offer some advice on how to make the easier, more common, less complicated simple social connections, work-acquaintances, school-acquaintances, church-acquaintances, softball-acquaintances, library-acquaintances, meetup-acquaintances, with the vague promises that something more meaningful might develop from that.

(Also, to try to convince you that the "lesser" social connections you make with people who are happy to talk to you about a common interest or the weather or life in general or how much you hate your job for 15 or 30 minutes at a time every few weeks as part of a large group are actually quite meaningful and important.)

A thing I think people don't fully recognize is that social dynamics in a group requires a few things that are difficult:

* Consistent presence (a weekly hacknight? Go every week! Go every week for months! and each and every time talk to people.)

* Openness and willingness to address difficult situations (if someone is having trouble with something, simply saying "oh, yeah I spent like days on this when I tried it, even though I have years of experience in this field! Here's what worked for me...", being willing to ask for help, being willing to be open and genuinely curious about other people's lives)

* The willingness to initiate contact with curiosity, praise, and genuine enjoyment of the moment of interaction. Desperation and early escalation are red flags to people (vulnerable demographics like women especially), so consistently interacting in a friendly and open manner, then suggesting casual interactions like drinks with people or offering your number to discuss activity-related situations ("I gotta go now, but if you have any other questions about $<technology> hit me up! I love this stuff!" does a lot) will slowly grow one's social network and eventually resolve a lack of friends.

But it takes time. A lot of time. Months and months of time and consistently being there and being open and friendly.

I tend to see negative emotions as signals nowadays, not conclusions.

One thing that is odd though is that one day I can feel utterly lonely. While the next day I wouldn't be happier being completely alone.