Hackiest way - pick the wordpress VPS options for $3.50, then sub out the wordpress homepage with your static site

Poor Man's Netlify identity - Apache or nginx password rules.

Poor Man's Netlify Large Media Management - Upload some files over sftp.

Poor Man's Netlify Lambda functions - crontab -e, 0 * * * * LynxDumpWeatherToHomepage.sh.

Poor Man's Netlify Teams - Create a new user with access to that site.

Poor Man's Netlify Forms - A php form.

Poor Man's Netlify Analytics - Less +F (or tail -f) web.log file.

^^ This is isn't tax, legal, or sysadmin advice. SanchoPanda doesn't offer tax, legal, or sysadmin advice. Please consult your tax, legal, or sysadmin advisor before making any tax, legal, or web infrastructure related decisions.