Can you expand what Netlify features you're talking about or provide any guides/links that would steer a newbie in the right direction? I appreciate the "back to basics" attitude, but don't know where to even get started...
Poor Man's Netlify identity - Apache or nginx password rules.
Poor Man's Netlify Large Media Management - Upload some files over sftp.
Poor Man's Netlify Lambda functions - crontab -e, 0 * * * * LynxDumpWeatherToHomepage.sh.
Poor Man's Netlify Teams - Create a new user with access to that site.
Poor Man's Netlify Forms - A php form.
Poor Man's Netlify Analytics - Less +F (or tail -f) web.log file.
^^ This is isn't tax, legal, or sysadmin advice. SanchoPanda doesn't offer tax, legal, or sysadmin advice. Please consult your tax, legal, or sysadmin advisor before making any tax, legal, or web infrastructure related decisions.
Do note that I'm not encouraging people to use CGI for their serverless needs whatsoever but if we're going back to basic then CGI is the closest thing I can think of for serverless.