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Comment by Scarblac | Hacker News Reader

I think it's supposed to be something like "don't only try to emulate others".

As best I can tell it means, "I'm naturally good in social situations, the point where I don't have to think about it. If and when I do, that just makes things worse because then I'm noticeably self-conscious. I'll assume you're just like me and need to do the same, because I don't know what it's like for that to be different."

The most charitable interpretation I can give the advice is, "Yeah, you're not skilled at this, and there isn't much I can do to help. But there are likeable aspects about yourself, and they don't shine through if you're constantly focusing on imitating some external model of how to do it right. The best you can hope for is not to have such unforced errors, so that at least you can keep whatever wins come from the real you."

Even your "charitable" interpretation is obviously not charitable. "Yeah, you're not skilled at this" is not what people mean when they say "be yourself", unless by "this" you mean "emulate other people". Instead, what they mean is "You are naturally skilled enough at this thing, so stop doubting yourself and just stick with your natural skill/gut"

If it's not charitable, then at least it's usually correct. People giving the advice are generally unaware of what it's like to be naturally skilled at social interaction, and think it's just a matter or relaxing and enjoying yourself.

If they think "you're naturally skilled at this", they're usually mistaken.

My charitable version is what people would say if they could be honest and were aware of the relevant facts on the ground.

> If they think "you're naturally skilled at this", they're usually mistaken.

We have completely different anecdata. I've said and heard people say "be yourself" many times. Rarely have I seen it go awry. Typically the people who say "be yourself" are naturally skilled at social interaction, so they can read whether the person is also able to socialize and make the right decision. But I can see how someone who lacks social skills might repeat the saying without even noticing the level of social skills of the person they're saying it to. Much like what this commenter was talking about: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=19702757

Your imaging a direct 1:1 scenario where the phrase is said referencing a specific moment. The problem is this advice is also given generically in one to many contexts or in writing form where there is no temporal component.

You're right, giving advice to a wide audience increases the chances of it harming people.

I’ve had the experience of thinking that I had terrible social skills for most of my live, then getting treatment for depression and anxiety and suddenly finding that socializing is easy. In my case, the problem really was my own fears and overanalysis about myself.

My problems couldn’t be fixed merely by someone telling me to “be myself”, but they had the right idea.

That's exactly what it's supposed to mean, I think.

It's especially useful in the short term context (let's say you have an interview tomorrow): you don't have enough time to pivot your personality, if you try, the judging person will read your inauthenticity as something fishy and you will increase your odds of missing out on your objective.

But in so many contexts -especially in dating- it gets misinterpreted as long term advice "you are entitled for others to accept you as you are and/or eventually someone will accept you as you are, and your objective X will be met"

I think it means to act around people that you aren't familiar with, the same way you would act around those your are very close to (such as immediate family, life-long childhood friends, etc). That is, don't be an "actor playing a part" when interacting with others.

I think it's an indirect way of telling people not to over think or analyze action.

I think it's rather: don't try to imitate others, strive to emulate them.

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