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The article suggests using nonviolent communication to clarify which sort of support is needed:

> Beyond that, ask for what you want, and check with your partner about what they want. If you want your partner’s support about something, let them know whether you’re looking for understanding or advice. Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.

I can see that the "Default to emotional support" can seem to suggest that you must provide emotional support whenever asked, but if you can't provide emotional support (whether from low EQ or from being drained), you can't. The suggested strategy of making the request for support unambiguous allows a response along the lines of (but probably not worded this way) "I'd like to provide support, but I can't."

The distinction between "stop giving X" and "stop asking for X" is important — in the latter case, someone is asking for what they need, whether or not the need can be fulfilled, while in the former case, someone is providing X, regardless of whether it is desired.

Twords the end they advocate taking responsibility for getting the kind of support you need which is key:

> Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.

> "Honey, I’d like to vent about something. I’m not looking for advice. Could you just hear me out and try to understand?”

> Or, “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about a problem. Could you give me some advice about what you think I could do?”

Often times couples will blame the other for "not being a good listener" or "not helping" but it usually starts with not being clear about what you're wanting the other person to do. When you set your partner up for success by telling them what you're going for, they can usually be more successful.

In my experience, the real issue is a paradigm gap. The one partner honestly thinks the other should be able to divine their intent, and blames them when they cannot. Their minds are in very different places, and bridging that gap is often nearly impossible.

In other words, it is just as ineffective to tell a low-EQ person to show more support as it is to tell a high-EQ person to please make their intent clearly known. You are asking them to do something they are unwilling or unable to do, often for deeply emotional reasons.

Even the asking itself, however gently it is done, angers them, because they take it as a personal offense. In their minds, the request itself is a demonstration of a lack of support and an uncaring attitude. Of course, that's not true. The person who provides information perceives this as support, as how to show they care.

What is the solution? Simply put: patient perseverance. It can take years for a relationship to overcome this gap. But it can happen, and both parties are better off for it. But it doesn't happen often because the relationship usually breaks up beforehand.

Fortunately it's quite easy to provide a compelling facsimile of emotional support. You just shut up and maybe hold the person while not obviously paying attention to something else.

How does one accomplish the same task via text message? I'm asking this sincerely. I've often found myself attempting to provide emotional support over a text conversation and it's really difficult not to feel helpless and drained by it.

There's only so much you can write "I understand. I support you. Etc." It starts to make you feel like a broken record. Trying to just listen leads to them asking "are you still there? Are you mad at me?"

Right. A lot of emotional support comes from touch and tone of voice, things you can't transmit via text. In text, your tools are limited to choosing your words and maybe emoticons (if you normally don't use them). The former is more powerful than the latter, because it takes more effort, and what one needs to communicate primarily is proof that you care.

For example, if this person is expressing doubts about their ability to do something they must, maybe you can express to them why you think they are able by describing the positive qualities you've observed in them (you've taken notice because you care about them) that sets them up to achieving it. If you also think they're unable, maybe it's still a good idea to fail to learn from the experience. You can explain how this sets them up for growth. If it's really bad to fail, maybe you can somehow help them in the task. Even if it doesn't ensure success, increasing the chances a little is often great. Presence can also be very powerful, even if you don't do anything besides being there.

Another example, if they express regret over a difficult choice they made and later saw was wrong, you can remind them that it's not fair to judge their decision after seeing the results. After all, their past self couldn't see the future, and made the best decision they could with the information they had available at the time. The best they can do is learn from it and move forward from that point.

Anyway, originality is key. Otherwise, it seems like a generic copy-and-paste response, and that's not effort.

EDIT: added to the first example.

This is a tough one that takes some real work if it happens at all regularly.

My experience with this has taught me that it can be extremely helpful to address this concern with the person asking for support, in person, and not while actively giving support. It might help to trying coming to an understand about the repetition of certain language being intentional, especially if you can communicate in advance what that language means to you. "I'm listening" has worked well for me.

"Hugs!!!"

Ah, the fine line between emotional support and sociopathic support. I suspect that would be building your house on a foundation of sand.

As somebody slightly on the autistic spectrum to whom this doesn't always comes naturally, I feel learning just the right amount of fakery is the stuff that keeps relationships alive – in more ways than one.

People aren't always in the same emotional space or have different ways of experiencing or expressing those emotions, and I've learned that not every moment is the best for hammering home those differences... I suspect that if you'd tell me you have cancer, you're not exactly looking for survival rate statistics or information on operating procedures.

> I find it funny that the article's conclusion is "stop giving informational support when emotional support is asked for" rather than "stop asking for emotional support when only informational support is up for offer".

The article does give advice on how to get better at offering emotional support. Relationship counselors can probably give better advice. I know it's harder for some people than for others, but you have to make compromises and step out of your comfort zone to maintain a relationship.

If things have reached a point where the best advice one can offer is "stop asking your partner to support you emotionally," then I don't think that relationship has a future.

Great post.

The world is a chaotic place. Most advice articles reach out to some (biased) average from the sum of the author's experiences. Most people want the world to conform to what they're comfortable/familiar with.

The moment a person thinks they understand how a person works, is the moment they start projecting themselves (i.e. their experiences) into/onto their interactions.

Thus, communication is the only path to sharing mutual enlightenment with another person.