Research shows the difference between emotional and informational support
psychologytoday.com
psychologytoday.com
This interesting study provides strong evidence, it's much easier to support a partner in context of a positive event than in context of a negative event. Context appears to play an even more important role than responsiveness or sensitivity of the person giving support. In fact, even if a partner recognizes that he or she received helpful support for a negative event shortly after the event occurred, by several weeks later the support is not generally remembered as positive.
If you want to support your partner in a helpful way, make sure you're supporting them when good things happen, and don't count on rescuing someone when things go wrong.
i.e: "now rather <than> input"
It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode. It's still unnatural for me to turn this mode off and listen without trying to solve. In my head I am probably still trying to solve at least a bit but not vocalizing that, at least in the moment.
I couldn't agree with this more. I have struggled with this myself recently in my relationship, so I'm glad to see this article here.
I'd say it's a safe bet that a much higher percentage of people who frequent HN, compared to the general population, are in the same boat. It's the reason many of us are drawn to programming/ engineering. Emotions are of much less value to our brains/ personalities than logic. I think it will be one of the greatest hurdles for us to having a lasting, happy relationship.
The short video this idea is from: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
People are different and relationships are give and take. There's no "right personality" that people should be fixing themselves to match. There's only mutual understanding and compromise. Recognizing that your partner may be searching for a type of support which you are not giving is very important, but only in the greater context of also recognizing both your and your partner's abilities, and reaching a mutual understanding how to bridge that gap.
> Beyond that, ask for what you want, and check with your partner about what they want. If you want your partner’s support about something, let them know whether you’re looking for understanding or advice. Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.
I can see that the "Default to emotional support" can seem to suggest that you must provide emotional support whenever asked, but if you can't provide emotional support (whether from low EQ or from being drained), you can't. The suggested strategy of making the request for support unambiguous allows a response along the lines of (but probably not worded this way) "I'd like to provide support, but I can't."
The distinction between "stop giving X" and "stop asking for X" is important — in the latter case, someone is asking for what they need, whether or not the need can be fulfilled, while in the former case, someone is providing X, regardless of whether it is desired.
The world is a chaotic place. Most advice articles reach out to some (biased) average from the sum of the author's experiences. Most people want the world to conform to what they're comfortable/familiar with.
The moment a person thinks they understand how a person works, is the moment they start projecting themselves (i.e. their experiences) into/onto their interactions.
Thus, communication is the only path to sharing mutual enlightenment with another person.
> Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.
> "Honey, I’d like to vent about something. I’m not looking for advice. Could you just hear me out and try to understand?”
> Or, “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about a problem. Could you give me some advice about what you think I could do?”
Often times couples will blame the other for "not being a good listener" or "not helping" but it usually starts with not being clear about what you're wanting the other person to do. When you set your partner up for success by telling them what you're going for, they can usually be more successful.
In other words, it is just as ineffective to tell a low-EQ person to show more support as it is to tell a high-EQ person to please make their intent clearly known. You are asking them to do something they are unwilling or unable to do, often for deeply emotional reasons.
Even the asking itself, however gently it is done, angers them, because they take it as a personal offense. In their minds, the request itself is a demonstration of a lack of support and an uncaring attitude. Of course, that's not true. The person who provides information perceives this as support, as how to show they care.
What is the solution? Simply put: patient perseverance. It can take years for a relationship to overcome this gap. But it can happen, and both parties are better off for it. But it doesn't happen often because the relationship usually breaks up beforehand.
The article does give advice on how to get better at offering emotional support. Relationship counselors can probably give better advice. I know it's harder for some people than for others, but you have to make compromises and step out of your comfort zone to maintain a relationship.
If things have reached a point where the best advice one can offer is "stop asking your partner to support you emotionally," then I don't think that relationship has a future.
People aren't always in the same emotional space or have different ways of experiencing or expressing those emotions, and I've learned that not every moment is the best for hammering home those differences... I suspect that if you'd tell me you have cancer, you're not exactly looking for survival rate statistics or information on operating procedures.
There's only so much you can write "I understand. I support you. Etc." It starts to make you feel like a broken record. Trying to just listen leads to them asking "are you still there? Are you mad at me?"
My experience with this has taught me that it can be extremely helpful to address this concern with the person asking for support, in person, and not while actively giving support. It might help to trying coming to an understand about the repetition of certain language being intentional, especially if you can communicate in advance what that language means to you. "I'm listening" has worked well for me.
For example, if this person is expressing doubts about their ability to do something they must, maybe you can express to them why you think they are able by describing the positive qualities you've observed in them (you've taken notice because you care about them) that sets them up to achieving it. If you also think they're unable, maybe it's still a good idea to fail to learn from the experience. You can explain how this sets them up for growth. If it's really bad to fail, maybe you can somehow help them in the task. Even if it doesn't ensure success, increasing the chances a little is often great. Presence can also be very powerful, even if you don't do anything besides being there.
Another example, if they express regret over a difficult choice they made and later saw was wrong, you can remind them that it's not fair to judge their decision after seeing the results. After all, their past self couldn't see the future, and made the best decision they could with the information they had available at the time. The best they can do is learn from it and move forward from that point.
Anyway, originality is key. Otherwise, it seems like a generic copy-and-paste response, and that's not effort.
EDIT: added to the first example.
It seems like a solution-oriented individual should feel comfortable offering that solution.
Like the GP said, it's a two-way street. Understand your friends and loved ones and compromise.
If the person you habitually complain to consistently offers informational rather than emotional support, it's likely that they do so because they lack the capacity to simply absorb your emotional outporing. Consider that, regardless of how much they care for you, they may not be capable of significantly developing this ability. If that is the case, the advice the article offers is unhelpful, and the relationship would be better served by the complainer finding another outlet for their emotional stress, or learning to accept well-intentioned advice.
Relationships are not 50/50 compromises. They're a dance of compromises in favor of one party or another at different times. You've got to decide as an individual if the balance is acceptable and I can't say that you seem very giving from your posts.
Again, that's a choice and your right but don't expect reality to conform to your desires because it rarely will.
Exactly as you said, relationships are a complex negotiation. Claiming that inability to simply sit and listen to solvable troubles is "the problem" is unhelpful. It is SOMETIMES the problem -- probably more often than not -- but sometimes people just whine too much and are too full of themselves to accept much needed help and it's unhelpful to blame the listener for not wanting to sit through that emotionally draining experience every day of their life.
Perhaps you could have explicitly stated your context in the beginning, as it seems most others were assuming two relatively well-adjusted individuals.
I understand the impulse. It's very tempting. I've certainly fallen into that response many times.
And of course, sometimes the person is receptive to advice, and then it is a great feeling to offer whatever insight you can.
Providing emotional support when it is reasonably needed and when one has the energy to do so seems like a valuable way to have generally beneficial interactions with other people.
Some naturally have more energy for this than others. But it is a skill than can be worked on like any other. And also, as one better understands the value of this type of support, it becomes more rewarding and easier to provide it.
As engineers and problem solvers, we should know how to define the problem properly.
(To be clear -- I am glad to do that, when the problem doesn't have a solution! Death of a loved one, annoying co-workers, etc.)
Particularly in the "repeat" case. If the problem is so unimportant that you are not interested in solving it, then it is also not important enough for me to listen to you bitching about it.
I also find it at least odd how this constructive approach is so commonly viewed as negative, whereas wallowing in self-pity and dragging others down with you somehow as emotionally mature.
It's not. And some newer, less prejudiced research has actually shown that men's coping strategies have better outcomes in terms of psychological health.
So the advice often given to "support" people in their self-destructive behavior is actively harmful.
Basically, emotional support is "understanding another person's thoughts, feelings, and condition from their point of view, rather than from your own"
Listen, don’t speak over them.
Acknowledge, respond in a way which indicated that you empathise with their emotional state, often by mirroring language, tone, words, body language etc.
Guide, ask questions that indicate that you’re open to hearing more about their issues, sometimes worth a “It’s ok if you don’t want to say but, what happened...”
Thank them for sharing with you.
Done.
I got that, I can do that with conscious effort.
> often by mirroring language, tone, words, body language etc.
I can avoid using my words for things instead of theirs, especially minimizing ones like “hassle” or “inconvenience”, I can avoid closed-off body language like crossing my arms and maybe keep my voice in a different register for a little while but beyond that it come off as an attempt at mimicking, not helpful.
> Guide, ask questions that indicate that you’re open to hearing more about their issues, sometimes worth a “It’s ok if you don’t want to say but, what happened...” Thank them for sharing with you.
That sounds like an example for someone you don’t actually know very well.
> Done.
Until tomorrow.
Not if the reason is you or something you are related too / feel strongly about.
Sometimes people aren’t ready / comfortable to talk about things, even when you’ve been in a relationship for years. Giving them permission to avoid it avoids a point of contention whih could lead to yours and their frustration.
Also to try and adopt an observational, almost anthropological attitude when interacting with other people. Observe their behavior, observe how it makes you feel, what your body language is, and then observe their responses to your own words and changes in behavior / body language.
Like any skill it takes practice. And just because a skill comes harder to some than others doesn’t mean it can’t be meaningfully improves through practice.
> I was recently asked by someone what they should do when they come across a homeless person. My response to this question is quite simple. Maybe you cannot make a difference to that person’s circumstance, but you can make a difference to how you see them. Many are hurting with the shame and stigma of being homeless. Don’t pretend they don’t exist: they are people too. [1]
[1] https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/jun/25/after-25-years...
And, like what you said, sometimes the solution really is more important than the emotions. This is especially true for the small things, which are the bulk of what we face every day anyway.
I am now able to sit and listen without offering answers.
Non-native English speaker here.