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Comment by racer-v | Hacker News Reader

It's also crucial to consider the motivations of the person you're apologizing to. If that person is interested in moving forward and (re)building the relationship, do it. But if the "offended" party is still resentful, they may use your apology as an "admission of guilt" and try to twist your words against you.

Moral: don't apologize to a truly toxic person - instead remove them from your life immediately.

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Apologies are not about who the other person is. Apologize for where you went wrong.

They're also not a "get out of jail free" card. If you did something rather hurtful, a person might still resent you for what you did. That doesn't mean they're "toxic" or "twisting your words" - it means they have been deeply hurt by you, in a way that only time can truly heal.

I agree that not every person who can't or won't accept your apology is toxic. My advice is: when a person you don't know well claims to have been offended by you, look for signs that the person just wants a fight. If that's the case, try to remove yourself before any more damage happens.

It's natural to want to apologize if you think you've hurt someone's feelings. Just be aware that some people are addicted to creating drama, and that may have nothing to do with you.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle

Yeah this is just a bizarre and selfish way of treating others. If you wronged someone, apologize. It has nothing to do with whether they will accept it, and certainly not with how well you know them.

Say you were texting and killed a kid crossing the street. You don't know his family and the mother will not accept your apology. Perhaps she even goes on TV crying about the person who killed her baby.

There are quite many cowardly individuals in America who would use legal reasons as an excuse not to apologize in a situation like that, and probably even a handful who would double down on this pathology and tell themselves the woman is "looking for drama". This is sad.

Who benefits when you try to force an unwanted apology on someone who doesn't want to be contacted by you? Consider whether you're just trying to assuage your own guilty conscience at the further expense of the victim.

I didn't mean to suggest the person would not want contact.

An apology doesn't itself assuage a guilty conscience, it is just an acknowledgement of the debt created by the wrong. A fake apology may be worse than saying nothing, but the prevalence of fake apologies is no excuse not to do the right thing.

It's a data point that many crime victims ask not to be contacted by the perpetrator. Again I'm asking you whose benefit this apology is for. If it's for your own benefit, maybe it's not warranted.

I know what you mean but I also agree with the OP to a certain extent. Sometimes, you've got a person who simply isn't going to accept your apology and no good will come of it. You may feel that it doesn't serve either party that one person is given an opportunity to lash out at the other. I dunno. It's subtle and depends on the situation.

You have this whole apologizing thing the wrong way around. You don't automatically apologize because someone feels offended, but only if you truly did something that you feel warrants an apology - and for that evaluation, you shouldn't take into account the possible future, but the past.

You seem like a weirdo.

You can't change the past, but you can make the future a better place, so I'll make the decision of whether to apologize based on the future.

What do you mean by “toxic”?

By "toxic" I mean someone who essentially sees social situations as a way to play out their inner sadistic tendencies - for example by passive-aggressively seeking conflicts so they can play the victim, or constantly looking for "enemies" and trying to ruin their reputations. A person who has unresolved inner conflict or trauma which they try to rectify (or distract themselves from) by projecting issues onto others.

This is rather lite-pop psych, but covers the basics:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201608/8-things...

Manipulative, judgemental, fail to be accountable / responsible, don't apologise, are inconsistent, require you to prove yourself, require you to defend yourself, are not caring / supportive / interested in what's important to you.

Not mentioned: there's often trauma, abuse, fear, or pain underlying the behaviour. Not that this makes it any easier to deal with.

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