Any good book recommendations on engaging small talk and authentic first impressions? I’m headed to a weeklong NYE retreat that has a tendency to dredge up high school cafeteria level social anxieties.
Additionally, most other people do not look forward to "mindless smalltalk with strangers". Since it's possible that everyone in the group shares equal anxiety about being there, you can provide a gift to them by asking pointed questions. If it's easy for them to answer, and gives something interesting for everyone else to listen to, it's actually a lot of pressure off the whole group.
The go-to question I use is:
what's the best book you've read in the last year or so? Why?
Since not everyone reads, that question can be amended to "best movie/tv show/documentary".
I'm often the new guy in certain work situations, and that question has saved me a lot of discomfort.
good luck!
[0] https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H6JBFOS/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?...
Reading (and watching) seems to be compared to eating all the time: - I devoured that book - I binged that season
Then there's that term, "consumption" which seemingly applies to every piece of media.
I hate people who tell "stories" in big groups , so rude. I prefer quick back and forth where everyone gets a chance to speak. Lots of people overestimate how interesting their story is to other people.
I want to know how to tell people who monopolize group discussion to shut the fuck up so others can speak.
If you come up with an answer to how to tell a conversational monopolist to shut up... please, please share it. I usually just walk away, but that doesn't improve the situation for everyone else.
My wife and I have running jokes about imaginary love languages. She's pretty sure "chocolate" is a love language. I agree.
If you want to change someone's mind on something, step 1 tends to be "deeply understand why they think a certain thing", and not only is this totally at odds with casual work conversation, it's not actually appropriate in the vast majority of work relationships.
Anyway - gentle redirects out of political topics usually work for me.
If they say something like "I just watched a documentary about {bad group} doing {bad thing}, and that's why Trump is an idiot", I'd try something like "oh, where did you see that? Was it on Netflix, or cable TV?"
If they say Netflix, then "oh, cool. I just saw a video on how Netflix caches content and uses this thing called a 'chaos monkey' to preempt catastrophic outages. It's really clever... the way they use it is..."
Just pick a non-political element out of the conversation, and drive into that. Usually works.
As for specific techniques, there are the NEWS - News, Event, Weather, and Sport - for non-personal conversational topics. Event is the function you guys are attending that you can have a common shared topic to talk about. Additional topics: Movies, Musics, Mobile, TV, and Games. There are the FORD - Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams - for more personal topics to talk about.
As for conversation techniques, there're the SPADDE techniques. S is for small talk, as above. P for paraphrasing what the other person has said. Paraphrasing as a form a question to ask for confirmation and show that you're really listening. Paraphrasing as a form of exclamation to show empathy. A for asking questions. Ask questions to open up new topics. Ask follow up questions to lead the topic further. D for disclosure. Disclose something about yourself. Give them a chance to ask you questions. If they don't know how to follow up, go back to S and A. D for deprecation. Add a bit of self-deprecation to the conversation. E for experience. Ask their experience or talk about your experience.
Although I guess it helps that I like learning about other jobs, too, and I tend to ask people to explain things in detail. They usually like that.
> Here’s a polite person’s trick, one that has never failed me. I will share it with you because I like and respect you, and it is clear to me that you’ll know how to apply it wisely: When you are at a party and are thrust into conversation with someone, see how long you can hold off before talking about what they do for a living. And when that painful lull arrives, be the master of it. I have come to revel in that agonizing first pause, because I know that I can push a conversation through. Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.”
> Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be introduced to this rumpled giant in an off-brand shirt, but when I told her that her job sounded difficult to me she brightened and spoke for 30 straight minutes about sapphires and Jessica Simpson. She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that. I didn’t reveal a single detail about myself, including my name. Eventually someone pulled me back into the party. The celebrity jewelry coordinator smiled and grabbed my hand and said, “I like you!” She seemed so relieved to have unburdened herself. I counted it as a great accomplishment. Maybe a hundred times since I’ve said, “wow, that sounds hard” to a stranger, always to great effect. I stay home with my kids and have no life left to me, so take this party trick, my gift to you.
This is also a cultural thing:
When I prepared for my first trip to Brasil I was told that I shouldn't ask people what they do for a living and that it was considered rude. I still don't know if this is really true but one thing I remember sure enough: Wherever I was in Brasil, I got asked about my family a lot.
So I certainly wouldn't use this technique on say a neurosurgeon I meet at some random party.
Sometimes it gets awkward though and that is when the other person is really, really excited about what they do. If I just show my honest interest I feel disappointment on the other side that I do not share the same enthusiasm. On the other hand I can't be frantic about something I didn't even know existed a few minutes ago. Positively interested yes, but really, truly emotional no. Faking excitement doesn't make me feel comfortable either.
Do you have any experience with that situation?
If it’s something I’m also interested in then we go to town, otherwise I tend to listen to the other person for a short while, perhaps ask them one or two more questions on the topic, then bring the conversation back to something else. It could be about that event or place we’re in, or some kind of tangent based on what has been said earlier in the conversation.
You don't have to be super excited about everything anyway, just being interested in what the other person has to say already makes you a better listener than most people.
It's an easy way to get someone to open up to you and you're bound to learn a few things if you're willing to display your lack of knowledge in their domain.
If you approach the conversation with candor, it rarely seems trite
I'm on a holiday now and I'm trying to apply some of the things I've learned. I feel like I'm getting good results. A lot of the suggestions are similar to what I've read in other books; especially the "How to win friends and influence people", which signals to me that these things are core principles rather than tricks found out by individual authors.
One thing I've learned from these books. All of these techniques need you to have a degree of self-confidence in-order to apply them. That's something I'm working on right now, but overall I think these books (and similar ones) have a lot of good info to offer for shy non-communicative people like me.
[1]: https://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/The-Like-Switch-...
I would like to go to random retreats , where do i find these?
Regarding anxiety, I constantly remind myself that people have short memories and even shorter memories about other people. No matter what embarrassing thing that do you do/say will be forgotten very soon by everyone.
The Charisma Myth by Olivia Cabane.
Note that one of its foundations is that developing social, emotional, expressive, performance-based skills takes practice and rehearsal to go from mechanical practicing, like playing scales, to effortless, genuine, authentic self-expression. The same as in learning to act, sing, play an instrument, play a sport, military, and so on.
The book gives you exercises. It's not for everyone. Just reading it will help you appreciate the skills. Practice will lead to growth.