Tricks to make yourself effortlessly charming
bbc.com
bbc.com
* Given them your attention and listen closely. Ask considerate questions.
* Practice empathy. People usually don't want advice, they most often simply want someone else to understand their experiences. If they are open to advice and you have a tidbit of wisdom, share it kindly and with obvious humility
* Channel your optimistic/zen side. All bad experiences are temporary, we can't change the past, and our mindset greatly affects how we actually feel about any scenario. The future is in front of us, how do we want to proceed? These attitudes can be contagious as well.
* Try to find common ground, even if you don't share their viewpoint. With a stranger, there isn't usually a foundation of rapport and mutual understanding to support adversarial debate.
* If you strongly disagree, respectfully acknowledge what they have said, and then shift to a more amicable topic (unless they specifically ask for your view)
* Pay close attention to body language and other subtle cues. Listen to what is not being said. Keep in mind all relevant context. The specific words that are spoken usually reflect a small portion of the actual information being communicated.
Practice, practice, practice. These skills come naturally for some, but we can all use improvement. Being actively mindful of these aspects of communication/social interaction is valuable for anyone.
Jokes aside, interesting and well thought-out list, thank you. Going to try some of these as I am visiting very opinionated, ornery family this week.
Learn to notice and nudge the emotional state that your entire body is actually projecting at any given moment, using slow breaths as a focus.
Your last sentence is interesting, but quite a cliffhanger. Can you expand upon your technique or point us to some resources?
The overall approach was inspired by the book "Drawing on the right side of the brain" by Betty Edwards. It starts with some simple exercises that don't teach you to draw per se, but get you into a strange inner state where drawing makes sense. (Repeating real world curves and angles with your pencil without looking at the paper, redrawing a sketch upside down, etc.) It works incredibly well - an adult with zero artistic skill could do these exercises for a couple hours and get a strong sense of "holy shit, I can draw anything I want!" It really feels like you're unlocking a part of your brain that was always there. And the upgrade sticks with you for life.
The point is that I think many skills, especially those with a bimodal separation (you either get it or don't), are really about your inner state. The right inner state is hard to teach, but it can be taught, and then you gain the skill quickly and almost miraculously. For example, all those infuriating people telling you to "just be yourself" are referring to some kind of change in inner state, but haven't found the key to communicating it. For drawing, Betty Edwards has found the key. For social skills, no one has found the key yet. I'm skeptical that my approach will work for everyone, but I'm certain that self-experimenting on your inner state when around other people is more fruitful than trying to force things with them (bravely approach! pay attention! ask them about their job!) It might take a long time though. For me it took years, and only after I stumbled into the right state a few times by accident.
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Anyway, if you want to follow me, here's what I would suggest. All training must be done while you're around other people, and the first step is noticing just how much information you're sending out. Many nerdy folks don't even fully register their own mood - how good or bad they feel at any given moment - even when everyone around them can see it plain as day. To me it felt at first like a firehose of information, much of it negative, that I couldn't help but blast at whoever was close. (Not through words! Through my pose, my eyes, etc.)
One way to notice it is by contrast. Watch a clip by Sean Paul, and imagine that everyone around is constantly comparing you to him. That's the firehose. It's very hard to change, because it feels like "water", a part of what you are. And it's hard to accept that the true reason people don't flock to you is your low-grade depression. It feels unfair! But becoming hyper-aware of it is the first step you must take.
When I'm socializing, the focus of my mind is being aware of that firehose of information. It's easy enough to redirect when it feels nasty (just turn it away from other people). And if I deliberately ignore what I want from other people, and focus entirely on making my firehose a bit less off-putting to them, I can slowly affect change. Breathe out, breathe in slowly, don't lose touch with the immovable object, and very carefully make it move.
I like the mindful aspects you focus on. Mindfulness concepts have been helpful for me as well.
This is a thing I sometimes crave... People are very eager to teach you lessons and give one advice after another, when you open yourself up even the tiniest bit, if your life is even slightly unconventional. So annoying; if I'm telling my story, it's because I want to share it and lighten my heart, and I'm not stupid, I know what you tell me already, and a bit more, given the topic is my life. I'm an aspiring researcher in humanities, but I know me some programming and a couple foreign languages. Every time the topic of future comes up, and if I make the stupid mistake of talking about my worries and plans, I'm bombarded with suggestions on how to put my skills to use, how to become rich, how I should just quit this laziness, this idleness and spend my time doing something useful. The best thing to do after listening to someone sharing their problems, worries etc. is either to make them speak more, or to nod your head, and pass on to some other topic, related or not. And if one really wants to help, just ask whether they want you to help and if yes how to help.
This happened to me once. I was a character reference for a friend who needed security clearance for a position in the UK, and they sent a a guy to come and interview me. About 45 minutes later I came out of the room and quickly realised I'd been mined for information (all good, luckily for my friend). While it was happening it felt like we were having just a nice chat. Afterwards I was totally exhausted. A very strange experience.
It doesn't excuse what she did, of course, but it's clear she didn't grasp the gravity of her actions.
I work for a civil liberties organization. Yet a few years ago two patrol officers in a train station in New York managed to interrogate me using a classic "good cop, bad cop" method -- about photographs that I was taking. I felt especially weird about this afterward because I had been reading news articles about people's legal right to take photographs in public places.
Apparently, my theoretical desire to assert my rights in an interaction with law enforcement somehow wasn't borne out in practice, and their interrogation methods are incredibly effective.
One thing I found striking when looking briefly at the linked transcript of the interview with Reality Winner is her concern for her pets. Making sure that her pets are properly taken care of is something that she needs from the agents and that's outside of her control in this situation. They don't explicitly bargain about this, but it seems like it's one big reason that she wants them to see her as cooperative.
Exactly, and she knows that pets frequently get shot in situations like the one she was in (although to be fair, that's usually with city and state police depts, not the FBI).
"Sure don't have to talk to us, but keep in mind we can arrest you, and we don't want to do it, who knows what weirdos your kids might end up with..." "-Yeah sure let's talk..."
If I pretend to be your friend make you feel amazing then crank up the pressure before you realise what’s going on you’re being quizzed at a pace by someone who doesn’t even give you time to breath and starts making threats about your future well-being. Sure, you might forget the lawyer the first time this happens.
We've also been conditioned to believe that retaining and using a lawyer should be conflated with guilt.
It's not a speeding ticket, you are not gonna out talk them out of searching your house... so you should... not talk?!
That's about the gist of legal advice in general, yes.
[1] e.g. by making a false statement in violation of 18 USC 1001, and trust me, they will be counting on it and have planned for it)
https://www.popehat.com/2007/10/26/shutupshutupshutupshutup/
https://www.popehat.com/2011/03/18/just-a-friendly-reminder-...
https://www.popehat.com/2011/12/01/reminder-oh-wont-you-plea...
IF she did something illegal, she must have thought a day like that may come and had prepared herself.
It's interesting that people who should know better keep falling for these techniques, e.g. General Flynn.
Repeat as many times as necessary.
- The suspect is in police custody - The suspect is under interrogation
It's crucial to understand these prerequisites because if you aren't formally in police custody, and you aren't being interrogated, the police don't have to give you a Miranda warning. This, in turn, means that the police can use anything you say until those two requirements are fulfilled as evidence against you.
Whenever I'd do something stupid, my Dad would sit me down for a chat. No matter how much I steeled myself, the truth eventually came out.
Like you, I was always absolutely exhausted afterwards.
For example: at the beginning of "The Little Prince", the narrator describes his childhood drawing of a snake eating an elephant which he uses to test the people he meets as an adult. If the person tells him, "that is a snake eating an elephant," he knows he is safe to talk about "important" things in life. If the person instead tells him, "that is a hat," he talks about superficial things.
But it's actually worse than that, because in the book there is only a single person-- the narrator-- who is judging the character of others. But when someone attempts to "work" a room by being charming, they immediately telegraph their intentions to the entire room at once. And everyone else immediately adjusts their behavior accordingly.
And Americans will not only gloss over the inneffectual charms of others, they will actively lie to avoid the conflict of calling someone else a phony. So if you try to charm, there's no way to get trustworthy feedback on your progress.
On the other hand-- if we're discussing something I care deeply about, there is little to gain by you staring at my irises for the correct amount of time. Beautiful smile or not, at some point you're going to respond in words to what I'm saying. At that point you're either clearly demonstrating your comprehension and interest, or you are so quick-witted and devious that I probably want to get to know you anyway out of sheer fascination (at least on a short-term basis).
Along the same lines: I find that voice cadences, and inflection, work pretty well for being charming! Take time to enuncicate the whole sentence you want to say, throw emotion into your words. And if you happen to do the eyebrow trick at the same time - it's charm overload.
Surprised audio cues weren't mentioned more :-)
I see charm as a way to make connections with others (which is awesome!). It's also crazy fun to inflect your voice. Everyone has a better time when you're okay being silly.
Would you treat a new acquaintance like they had the plague? Probably not. Is it manipulative to be nice to someone? I don't think so. Being silly with inflection, or using any of the tools described in the article, for me is just another way to relate to others.
I won't deny some may use the tools for manipulation - but the practice isn't inherently manipulative in my opinion.
Thanks for this. It's interesting to see that the main comment threads are:
- how interrogations leverage psychological manipulation to divulge information - how to use verbal and visual tricks - tabeth pointing out how people perceive social interactions as insincere
Yet a lot of people claim that it's ok to deploy psychological manipulation when your intentions are "good".
It's been said that the end doesn't justify the means.
Is it fair for the less charming people to be at a permanent disadvantage? Or does being conscious of what is for others unconscious make one automatically manipulative? What if after a few months or years of intential charm, it became automatic?
Compare it to being a poor driver that is unknowingly causing stress and danger to fellow drivers. They take a course in defensive driving and consciously learn a few techniques like counting the distance between them the vehicle in front, not passing in the right lane, anticipating red lights, etc. After a couple of years of consciously driving like this these habits become automatic and traffic around them functions more smoothly. Practicing social skills is more like this than you probably think.
Learning how to write clearly and persuasively is another example that one could dismiss as manipulative at their own peril.
To anyone with fear of being creepy: my good friend shared a video with me recently on vulnerability. It forced me to rewire my brain:
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
One item I'd add to the article on being charming: be vulnerable. Vulnerability is relatable, it's genuine.
If you are out of your cultural element, you can cross the line into apparent insincerity with surprising ease. Always know thyself.
Winks awkwardly
I have seen babies learn to walk, they don't get it the first, or the fifth time, but their parents encourage them, and most learn it.
However social skills are a completely different beast: here we just accept it as whatever you happen to learn is whatever level you will just have to live with.
That is how the French talk. It always seems like they are telling you a story.
Additionally, most other people do not look forward to "mindless smalltalk with strangers". Since it's possible that everyone in the group shares equal anxiety about being there, you can provide a gift to them by asking pointed questions. If it's easy for them to answer, and gives something interesting for everyone else to listen to, it's actually a lot of pressure off the whole group.
The go-to question I use is:
what's the best book you've read in the last year or so? Why?
Since not everyone reads, that question can be amended to "best movie/tv show/documentary".
I'm often the new guy in certain work situations, and that question has saved me a lot of discomfort.
good luck!
[0] https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00H6JBFOS/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?...
Reading (and watching) seems to be compared to eating all the time: - I devoured that book - I binged that season
Then there's that term, "consumption" which seemingly applies to every piece of media.
I hate people who tell "stories" in big groups , so rude. I prefer quick back and forth where everyone gets a chance to speak. Lots of people overestimate how interesting their story is to other people.
I want to know how to tell people who monopolize group discussion to shut the fuck up so others can speak.
If you come up with an answer to how to tell a conversational monopolist to shut up... please, please share it. I usually just walk away, but that doesn't improve the situation for everyone else.
My wife and I have running jokes about imaginary love languages. She's pretty sure "chocolate" is a love language. I agree.
If you want to change someone's mind on something, step 1 tends to be "deeply understand why they think a certain thing", and not only is this totally at odds with casual work conversation, it's not actually appropriate in the vast majority of work relationships.
Anyway - gentle redirects out of political topics usually work for me.
If they say something like "I just watched a documentary about {bad group} doing {bad thing}, and that's why Trump is an idiot", I'd try something like "oh, where did you see that? Was it on Netflix, or cable TV?"
If they say Netflix, then "oh, cool. I just saw a video on how Netflix caches content and uses this thing called a 'chaos monkey' to preempt catastrophic outages. It's really clever... the way they use it is..."
Just pick a non-political element out of the conversation, and drive into that. Usually works.
I would like to go to random retreats , where do i find these?
Regarding anxiety, I constantly remind myself that people have short memories and even shorter memories about other people. No matter what embarrassing thing that do you do/say will be forgotten very soon by everyone.
Although I guess it helps that I like learning about other jobs, too, and I tend to ask people to explain things in detail. They usually like that.
> Here’s a polite person’s trick, one that has never failed me. I will share it with you because I like and respect you, and it is clear to me that you’ll know how to apply it wisely: When you are at a party and are thrust into conversation with someone, see how long you can hold off before talking about what they do for a living. And when that painful lull arrives, be the master of it. I have come to revel in that agonizing first pause, because I know that I can push a conversation through. Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.”
> Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be introduced to this rumpled giant in an off-brand shirt, but when I told her that her job sounded difficult to me she brightened and spoke for 30 straight minutes about sapphires and Jessica Simpson. She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that. I didn’t reveal a single detail about myself, including my name. Eventually someone pulled me back into the party. The celebrity jewelry coordinator smiled and grabbed my hand and said, “I like you!” She seemed so relieved to have unburdened herself. I counted it as a great accomplishment. Maybe a hundred times since I’ve said, “wow, that sounds hard” to a stranger, always to great effect. I stay home with my kids and have no life left to me, so take this party trick, my gift to you.
So I certainly wouldn't use this technique on say a neurosurgeon I meet at some random party.
This is also a cultural thing:
When I prepared for my first trip to Brasil I was told that I shouldn't ask people what they do for a living and that it was considered rude. I still don't know if this is really true but one thing I remember sure enough: Wherever I was in Brasil, I got asked about my family a lot.
It's an easy way to get someone to open up to you and you're bound to learn a few things if you're willing to display your lack of knowledge in their domain.
If you approach the conversation with candor, it rarely seems trite
Sometimes it gets awkward though and that is when the other person is really, really excited about what they do. If I just show my honest interest I feel disappointment on the other side that I do not share the same enthusiasm. On the other hand I can't be frantic about something I didn't even know existed a few minutes ago. Positively interested yes, but really, truly emotional no. Faking excitement doesn't make me feel comfortable either.
Do you have any experience with that situation?
You don't have to be super excited about everything anyway, just being interested in what the other person has to say already makes you a better listener than most people.
If it’s something I’m also interested in then we go to town, otherwise I tend to listen to the other person for a short while, perhaps ask them one or two more questions on the topic, then bring the conversation back to something else. It could be about that event or place we’re in, or some kind of tangent based on what has been said earlier in the conversation.
The Charisma Myth by Olivia Cabane.
As for specific techniques, there are the NEWS - News, Event, Weather, and Sport - for non-personal conversational topics. Event is the function you guys are attending that you can have a common shared topic to talk about. Additional topics: Movies, Musics, Mobile, TV, and Games. There are the FORD - Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams - for more personal topics to talk about.
As for conversation techniques, there're the SPADDE techniques. S is for small talk, as above. P for paraphrasing what the other person has said. Paraphrasing as a form a question to ask for confirmation and show that you're really listening. Paraphrasing as a form of exclamation to show empathy. A for asking questions. Ask questions to open up new topics. Ask follow up questions to lead the topic further. D for disclosure. Disclose something about yourself. Give them a chance to ask you questions. If they don't know how to follow up, go back to S and A. D for deprecation. Add a bit of self-deprecation to the conversation. E for experience. Ask their experience or talk about your experience.
I'm on a holiday now and I'm trying to apply some of the things I've learned. I feel like I'm getting good results. A lot of the suggestions are similar to what I've read in other books; especially the "How to win friends and influence people", which signals to me that these things are core principles rather than tricks found out by individual authors.
One thing I've learned from these books. All of these techniques need you to have a degree of self-confidence in-order to apply them. That's something I'm working on right now, but overall I think these books (and similar ones) have a lot of good info to offer for shy non-communicative people like me.
[1]: https://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/The-Like-Switch-...
Note that one of its foundations is that developing social, emotional, expressive, performance-based skills takes practice and rehearsal to go from mechanical practicing, like playing scales, to effortless, genuine, authentic self-expression. The same as in learning to act, sing, play an instrument, play a sport, military, and so on.
The book gives you exercises. It's not for everyone. Just reading it will help you appreciate the skills. Practice will lead to growth.
> Of course, while you may not be able to control the physical features of your face, it is possible to alter your expressions and smile.
I'd say that is mentioned.
Also does refocusing your eyes actually make you look engaged? Sometimes people I talk to appear to be doing that and it comes off a bit shady.
No kidding. I can barely even imagine juggling verbal language and body language and facial expressions.
While things in this article are mostly factually correct, they don't work as the author claims.
One thing to consider is that many people who write these books and articles are usually thinkers, very biased and likely to interpret these findings (like smile signals you're not a threat) to conform their ideal world view.
To see just how much of a BS this is in terms of effectiveness, if you're a heterosexual guy, try interacting with women (or other men) with non-threatening smile and raised eye-brows.
See how far it gets you.
Being in the UK is particularly difficult and I get the impression eastern Europe is similar or the same. Getting an honest and authentic reply to every day questions seems impossible. But I also understand that there is some weird cultural requisite of toughness and not making a fuss getting in the way of authentic conversations with strangers.
Of course, some people just rattle off canned lines and don't pay attention to others. They're insincere, because they can't be bothered to give other people their attention and respect.
In my experience, people who are actively trying to get better at social situations are usually in the first category, but not always (read PUAs). And maybe there are other categories!
The driving ideology is in direct opposition to genuine, casual, unmotivated concern/interest.
Yup. "Flat" organizational structures don't exist in reality; you're just replacing a formal hierarchy with an informal hierarchy of charisma.
In order to social someone, you need to get them to trust you. Charm, charisma, and likeability are all related and essential when you want to get something out of someone. That may sound transactional and it is.
Unfortunately, I’ve realized that no one is a friend to you out of the goodness of their heart. That simply does not exist anymore.
It’s interesting how the eyebrow flash and the smile are promoted in this BBC article on charm, yet perhaps did not do Hillary Clinton so much good in this age of the strongman. Women have it tough getting the tone right in politics and business.
He's basically the poster-boy for inherited privilege and wealth (and a card carrying Weinstein-enabler), but he's credited with 'charm'.
TIL the verb "gurn," "make a grotesque face."
I prefer not to interact with people who need to use "tricks" to make themselves seem trustworthy. The fact that you're faking a personality (aka lying) already tells me all I need to know about your trustworthiness up front.