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Comment by chrisdone | Hacker News Reader

I generally get a slimy feeling whenever I interact with someone who is clearly applying some kind of rules of how to interact, make you feel comfortable and listened to, nodding at the right times and fake-laughing on cue, all the while I feel more and more uncomfortable and alienated. There are certain things you've either got or haven't got. You can't read a book to be good with people any more than to become a good comedian.

However, I would prefer that people at least be explicit about the fact they're doing such things. Then it's just process, and not fake and uncomfortable.

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This reminds me of the lessons in Give and Take by Adam Grant. There is almost a Zen aspect of sincere networking. The more your end goal is to simply network with others and increase your network the less sincere you are likely to operate. However if you go to an event or gathering with a genuine curiosity and freely listen to others with no expectation of return and develop an ability to actually care (in that moment, at least, but really more deeply) your network will easily grow. Events and conversations have often led to cool places when I have interacted with others with no expectation of return.

Grant would just say you are acting as a Giver in the social context. This is very powerful and people react to it. A lot of people get good at purposefully faking being a Giver, precisely because your sole intention is to manipulate with forethought about how you can come out ahead (take) or at least come out equal to others in a social setting. Pure takers are honestly a little creepy because it shows a rather high level of self focus that (in my experience) tends to make someone a negative.

It's pretty much a gift that you're either born with or have to work your soul off to attain (not directly; more like "let life beat you up so bad that you find yourself humble and respectful").

I too dislike the people who poorly fake the techniques to win over people. My immediate subconscious reaction is:

"They have no other skills and they are desperate to increase their network. Do they have any real skills?"

I would argue you can network easily with others by simply having a genuine interest in what they are doing and what they have to tell you about it. Not a gift. Minimal skill required. Most people generally want to tell you all about what they are doing and it takes very little prompting other than genuine questions.

The gift you refer to is, to me, mostly being good at understanding and purposefully manipulating the emotional state of other people to achieve whatever goal you have.

I think we agree but we simply use different terms.

The gift I am referring to is actually being genuinely interested -- and this seems to be hard for many since they're too caught up doing only their own thing, and reacting violently or cynically in a very ugly manner <-- when advised to show genuine interest.

To understand and manipulate an emotional state is to me an acquirable skill.

Quite a funny opposite understanding we have. :) Do note, I am not gonna argue if either of us is right or wrong.

The "Be genuinely interested..." networking advice is like dating advice to "Be rich and good looking".

Not really. It means you have to be curious. You can't fake that.

Many people don't care about anything beyond their most direct activities. Such people are horrible at faking curiosity (and thus the genuine interest we're talking about).

> There are certain things you've either got or haven't got. You can't read a book to be good with people any more than to become a good comedian.

Reading a math textbook doesn't make you a good mathematician either. It takes practice too, and we should be charitable of others who are perhaps trying to practice and improve their skills, no matter the subject.

Most of the books (Dale Carnegie etc) actually tell you not to do those things. Genuinely listen to people, be honest, don't fake interest or anything else.

That you are "born with it" may apply at the level of high-level national politics or something like that, but for most of us, it's just another skill and the books are helpful.

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