This might sound harsh, but since you are okay with dying at 26 of a disease that rarely kills, my advice would be: have you sought out mental health counseling? Along with your comments about confidence, no friends, girls, and with the pain I'm sure you've been through with Crohn's, and if you've been "working" since 13, I would guess you could very well be depressed. Maybe you would reconsider the bag if you felt better.