Comment by _xhok | Hacker News Reader

Comment by _xhok | Hacker News Reader

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Am I on the spectrum, or does this...

> At first, saying “no” to fund-raisers and coffees brought with it a keen, almost illicit pleasure. What freedom! I started slipping out of meetings and school assemblies at the first possible moment instead of staying to chat. On one delicious occasion, I sat in my car and read a book while my children attended a family-oriented athletic function.

seem like perfectly reasonable behavior? I couldn't care less if someone I knew did this. I had no idea saying no to coffee was rude.

Presumably, if you break one of these rules, e.g. by saying no to some big gathering, you'll be offending someone. This would seem to suggest that there are people out there industriously keeping track of who fails to show up to gatherings and holding it against them. Really? Here, at the end of a century that saw the perfection of human flight, two world wars, and ongoing efforts to make us a multiplanetary species?

If not dragging myself out to spend several hours making small talk is rude, can I just be rude?

I don't think it's necessarily about whether you're rude or not.

It's more that relationships require investment. If you never show up to events or coffee with me, don't expect me to be your friend in the future. Similarly, don't expect a deep relationship with your children if instead of interacting with them (or cheering them on) you are always alone or distant.

A single instance isn't rude, but the pattern definitely leads to (justifiable) social isolation.

I entirely agree. But the article outright claims it's rude to decide not to go to large social gatherings full of strangers. (I concede your point on coffee.)

"When I skip big gatherings of strangers, I’m not just being a little rude to the individual people around me, I’m being uncivil in a larger sense. The more we isolate ourselves from new people, the more isolated and segregated our society is likely to become. Those casual interactions in dog runs and at kids’ hockey games are the ones that are most likely to cross social and economic barriers. They expand my little world as well as the overlapping bubbles that create a society."

I went back to the article and found the problem, right here, where she ties together being uncivil in the inevitable human interactions of our day (e.g., bringing your bad energy into the dog park) with how you choose to build community beyond that, implicitly comparing her choices with yours. That's the default tone of the self-congratulatory prig.

Yes, it is good to stretch your comfort zone to meet new people and help build community without choosing situations that would make you miserable. Strangers? Ipso facto good? Rubbish. She may have scared more people off getting out than she inspired as some misguided soul is right now looking at Meetups, choosing "random after dark random networking with drinks" over the LUG. Sure, join the political group or the book club if it inspires you.

"Years ago, I was habitually late. “I can’t help it!” I declared to an expert in time management (I’d turned my effort to reform into a magazine article, as writers do, which gave me the excuse to seek professional help)."

And by the way, showing up late is garden variety selfish behavior that directly harms at least one other actual human being. The author managed to slip in a less insidious self congratulations here, too, a lot of work for one sentence.

That does not even make sense. How could it possibly be rude to not attend an event of strangers? I probably didn't catch that as I skimmed the article. I'm not that tempted to read it as there's no amount of smoke and mirrors that could convince me. That sounds to me like guilt tripping on a pretty mass scale. That's the author's issue. No need to feel guilty. And no going to events that suck your soul from your body and stomp on it will not help us resolve the our social crises, help achieve world peace, or even nurture your relationships. Just in case the author tried any of those out as proxies for you should go. Come on. Don't be an anti-social twit. You're letting all these strangers down and, well, you're letting America down.

I think that's a reasonable approach you reap what you sow. To me when I hear someone say that an event would be soul crushing or something similar I'm going to go ahead and assume it's not people or a person they want to hang out with. And I was excluding things that are hurtful such as not honoring someone they cared about's celebration for them not you. Also, off the list was basic self preservation. OK, you're not likely to get fired for not attending the one yearly work event but it doesn't help with your reputation so it's not exactly good for the future. So there's a minimum to function as a human being and it's not much. Beyond that, if someone knows they won't have fun absolutely don't go. No obligation. No regrets.

You get events where hardly anyone wants to actually be there. So some of the people who do show up end up resenting those who didn't. Similar story with people that put in an appearance for 20 minutes.

So why have the event in the first place? Seems silly to organize something nobody wants to attend.

Some events are zombie processes.

Maybe it's, I don't know, an attempt to build community, friendships, etc.? All the stuff that's apparently lacking enough for people to want to sit in their cars all day?

Yes, but it's not rude. Say no of course. It's absurd to consider that rude unless it's like your sister's wedding, then it's rude. That sort of thing.

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