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Comment by nzmsv | Hacker News Reader

The only thing I am not sure about in this book is the whole "a person's name is the sweetest sound" thing. It is hard to use this piece of advice correctly, and more often than not comes across as " I just read Carnegie's book the other night". When I hear my name being used just for the sake of throwing it in a sentence, I make a mental check of whether I am being manipulated, and this is pretty much the only effect.

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I wish The Gulag Archipelago were search-able online somewhere. There is a chapter where Solzhenitsyn is describing the attitude of the various ethnic groups who occupy the same hell-hole prison that he is in. A prison where many were confronted with the choice between licking others plates and starving to death.

I can't remember if it was Croatians or whom, but he described a particular group as being the nicest, most generous bunch of men, despite the fact they were dying of hunger. He mentions that this one person would always address him by his full name (including the patronymic) with the intent to show respect and endearment.

I think this usage of a person's name embodies what Carnegie was trying to get across.

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If you have children, try addressing them by their full name. It's the closest thing to their actual personage that came come from your mouth, and it's a pleasure to take the extra time to utter it because you love them so much.

I think the key is not to try to figure out where to sprinkle someone's name into a sentence, but to figure out how to like them enough to want to use their name.

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I thought having your parent enumerate out your middle name(s) was the classic sign that you're in deep shit…

Not in Russia, where first/patronymic is a proper formal address. Just good manners. Very good manners under the circumstances.

I think this anecdote was in his short story, 'One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich' if I'm not mistaken? And I think the plate lickers were the first to die.

Yes, but when it's a parent talking to a little kid, the formal address can mean one of two things:

a) they are being funny, in the "look at you being all grown up" sort of way;

b) the kid's in trouble.

Funny how some things are international that way :)

I think you mean this line of 'One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich' ?

http://books.google.com/books?id=AyYUCrb7M1sC&lpg=PP1...

"Paclo raised his head. "Didn't they put you in the cooler, Ivan Denisovich? And are you still alive?" (They simply couldn't teach Western Ukrainians to change their ways. Even in camp they were polite to people and addressed them by their full name.)"

Kinda nice how google books enables a 'Good Will Hunting' moment without the genius, eh? :D

I find that there is big difference between "Jim, I need to talk to you." and "Hey, how's it going Jim?". When someone leads into a conversation with my name I typically anticipate a negative context. On the other hand, if someone (particularly acquaintances) uses my name mid greeting or conversation, I find it incredibly comforting.

There's a difference between "Hey Kurt! Nice to see you!" and "We offer some excellent options, Kurt, for things we hope you'll spend money on".

As an example, every time I walk into the Y a guy named John says "Hi Kurt". He did this for roughly two weeks before I even knew his name. While I understand that he won't be calling me on my birthday, the fact that he even knows my name makes me feel more welcome there. It's the exact opposite of the comma-Kurt-comma treatment.

People are exceptionally good at "sensing" dishonesty. I think less is more when it comes to using names, but less is also better than none. Maybe just avoid using someone's name after a comma. :)

I think the key is not to go out of your way to fit a person's name into a sentence you already were planning to say, but instead do things like greeting them by name. As you point out, it's much more likel to be interpreted as being friendly rather than bei manipulative.

Good point, although I think it depends on the context. I agree that people who just throw my name randomly in the middle of sentences come of as insincere and transparent. It almost feels like a teacher in the middle of a boring lecture trying to make sure I'm paying attention. But if I run into someone that I've only met once before and they remember my name, I'm instantly more interested in what that person has to say.

Same thing with me. If I hear that someone except from my closest friends utters my name while speaking directly to me, all my alarm bells start ringing. It's stupid, because I know what my name is and people who did that in the past tend to turn out to be malicious.

I think it really depends of the person speaking to you. If he's talking to you with a superior voice, yes I would feel manipulated. But someone saying it with a smile and genuinely would make me feel happy

Nope. People who screwed me over in the past were smiling and saying my name with very pleasant and respectful voice with intention to genuinely make me happy.

On the other hand my friends use my name only when they talk with each other about me in my presence or when they call me to get my attention.

I haven't really been screwed over, but I also become cautious and alert when my name is used (outside of a couple people). My typical name and names for my friends are: Hey, Yo, Dude. Oddly, for members of the opposite sex, I tend to use pet names and or say their name in a melodic tone (ex: Amanda -> Adamanana)

Well, NZMSV, I think we all could agree that we don't like being manipulated. But as someone who is more self-aware and perceptive than most, NZMSV, wouldn't you agree that the name trick is just a component of what people really want: recognition. The point is to very quickly pick up on the story they tell about themselves, and play it back to them.

At the risk of referring to that other site, you're not the only one that's uncomfortable:

http://www.reddit.com/r/DoesAnybodyElse/comments/b525v/dae_h...

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