throwaway3301

I don't have an answer for you. I just wanted to say that I struggle with the same ideas. I feel like I'm wasting my youth obsessing over these ideas. I feel like I'll disappoint everyone if I stop keeping up this cycle you describe. Sometimes I feel handcuffed to my life.

I would also include code used by the library (say in another program/project) or downloaded for compilation/use/reference.

On the contrary, I work at BigCorp where every machine is locked down - no administrator access, no sudo, etc. People routinely install programs to C:\ simply because it is writable. If you need admin access to install it? Forget it, open an IT ticket.

I've never heard of anyone quitting because of this issue.

I have experienced similar things trying to work on open-source software (or other software projects).

This must have been a ton of work to put together. Thank you for this!

Poker remains unsolved (except for 2-player "Heads-up" limit hold'em[1]). Poker has many different variations and a player's strategy can change significantly based on many factors. The University of Alberta Computer Poker Research Group has already used counterfactual regret minimization in their Cepheus AI. I wonder if they could work with DeepMind to apply some of the techniques used in AlphaGo to poker.

[1]: http://science.sciencemag.org/content/347/6218/145

Re: [2]

But what are you to do when you have no purpose in life? No motivating, goal-oriented activities that you enjoy? For many depressed people, including myself, everything seems pointless and therefore nothing has purpose and nothing is motivating or truly interesting.

No one really offers any good advice on this part of the solution and yet it's the most important part! Everyone seems to think that everyone must have something that interests them enough to chase a goal for the rest of their lives but I think the reality is that very few people have this. And furthermore motivation ebbs and flows, I have found that it's not very reliable and so a solution that involves it seems oversimplified to me.

How does one keep these things in practice in the reality of an over-committed software team with shifting priorities, difficulties interfacing with product management, and bad specifications/requirements that eventually result in significant scope creep? I often feel like I want to refactor code, but the cost of doing so is so high that it would slow me down to the point of missing a deadline. "It works" is usually as much as I have time for.

Maybe I'm just not a very good programmer...

Could I contact you somewhere to discuss the positive changes you are making in your life? I don't want to take away time from your busy schedule but I've been dealing with similar problems for the past couple years and I'd like to discuss strategies for moving past this darkness.

This line in particular really spoke to me as it's about all I can manage at the moment (hoping for change rather than actively pursuing change):

"I have off moments but I just remember how bad I felt when I was sat at 2am watching the moon wishing everything would end and that they will pass in time."

How can I start learning about how to identify exploits like this? I know some basics about web application security and work as a software engineer on a day-to-day basis but security has always been a passion of mine and I have always wanted to be able to support myself through working on security alone (by collecting rewards through bounty programs, self-employed security consulting, working at a security consulting firm like Matasano, or some combination thereof) but I don't know where to start. I want to learn the ins and outs of web application security instead of just understanding the OWASP top 10 and having a strong interest in certain topics (like HTTPS/SSL vulnerabilities). When I read disclosures from people like Egor I grasp the steps they are taking to craft an exploit like this as they are explained but I don't know how to identify these exploits on my own.

Can anyone recommend some reading material or some first steps I can take to work towards moving to a more security-focus career?

Thanks.

Personally I think realizing you need to engage your will and discipline yourself into working hard when you don't want to is the easy part. The really really hard part is actually doing it. How do you find will where there is none? How do you motivate yourself when you feel unmotivated about everything? When you feel stuck in the rat race, stuck in the routine of monotony? How can I restore the drive and motivation in myself that I never remember having in the first place? Is it even possible?

These are the things I am struggling with and they make fighting it a non-starter.

To give you some background: I am 22 years old. I graduated from college about a year ago and I now make a living as a software engineer.

I agree that the only one who can save me is myself, and to all those who have said that I should seek professional help: I have and am currently working with someone to address these feelings I have towards my life.

I'm not sure what other details you were looking for, but that should be a start, at least.

What if you don't know the answer to this question ("Why am I here?")? What if your answer is that you don't understand why you're still here? When your passion for everything and anything in life has waned to nothingness. When you feel like your body is in a constant state of physical and mental fatigue, bordering on a grinding, gnawing pain? When you feel like a passenger in your own life, stuck in the rat race, stuck in the routine of monotony? When every day boils down to sleep, eat, work, and everything in between ends up as a fuzzy blur?

What then? How can I shake this feeling? How can I restore the drive and motivation in myself that I never remember having in the first place? Is it even possible?

To follow Mr. Sivers's analogy: What if all my reasons have expired? Is that somewhere else... nowhere else? Should I be dead instead? That doesn't seem like a very practical path to follow, but yet living feels so draining that I don't know how much longer I can carry the weight of a life lived for nothing. It really is all for naught. At this point I feel like I am living this life because it is the life society wants for me: go to school, get a degree, get a job, get married, have kids, grow old, die. That sounds horrible to me and yet I feel so stuck in this formula. I feel so abnormal because I can't feel satisfied or fulfilled with this "normal" version of life. And I can't tell anyone these things because they will reject me, saying I should just enjoy this or that, or telling me that I should be grateful for what I have. Their words (and this article) don't change anything. I know that the change must first come from within, but I don't know where to start.