throwaway123874

I get what you mean. It's hard to let go of these realities we see. I see it all the time in my corp. And I am convinced, too, that it's hard to do fun/interesting things in technology. It honestly baffles me at times, how we just throw away our time so recklessly, so soullessly. We spend years and years in some place, and eventually all that we used to have dissolves. No more friendships, community, family, everything is just ulterior motives.

Instead of seeing what did happen, let's look at what may happen again. Maybe you find it hard to start coding again for you enjoy the collaboration part the most, and yet you imagine most people willing to rip your spine out for some money instead of making something cool for this time we have left.

Maybe it's fear of embracing the unknown. The reason people are in the golden handcuffs is because they always want to hold onto tomorrow - a tomorrow that may never come. And it's easy to forget we all disappear from this place someday. Money helps forget that. But the unknown is where the excitement is.

Either way, I think instead of ignoring those 'cants' one may want to instead avoid them at all costs. I can see why they seem like a reality, and because it often does become a reality. People are so vile, greedy, self-centered - even ourselves at times. The best way out is to forget all the incidentals of making a company. Maybe you can try doing bootstrapped stuff, so VCs don't exploit you.

I believe the spark can only alight through forgetting all of the larger goals. If you push yourself away from the premise of making money - maybe doing open source software - then you can avoid these people that prop up this disillusionment.

The cynicism you'll have to struggle with is finding the people worth the time. I have the same trouble. It's extremely hard. Only through a willing heart can you find those people that don't just want your money. We're going to be alone a lot, so it's about finding what makes you fine with the silence.

And most importantly, a long, long break from everything will help you find your flow again. Most of your day is sunk into another job, and it's hard to make sense of anything when most of your time is spent elsewhere.

These are just my conclusions. And to not appear like I'm all talk, I am in the same situation. I haven't even opened my work laptop today. I just don't care anymore. I'm looking forward to being fired.

I think the only answer here is to stop clinging onto this 'life' you have.

The optimism you're seeking comes from looking forward to today, right now. Right here, right now. Everything is the present moment. If you do not find yourself in the present moment - this could be due to the weight of money, weight of the future, weight of obligations - then abandon it all.

You don't need anything. Just reclaim the time that is yours. If you have enough runway for a year, that's all you need. Think about it. Would you rather have 20 more years of this 'hint of dissatisfaction', or just one year of bliss? If not bliss, at least closer to what once was, where we all come from. Just people trying to have fun and not think of larger consequences. I would get off of anti-depressants, too.