ruthburr

My point about the agency of men is more: I know so many men to whom I've pointed out things like the huge gray area presented by compliments, who were glad to have their awareness raised. Not saying men should be policing other people, just being more deliberate about their own language and actions. So, for that matter, should women.

I think the parenthetical actually is your most important point. All of the behaviors I've described are perfectly acceptable among known company, but unfortunately not everyone has that fine awareness. I also find sex jokes and toilet humor funny, but not in an environment that's already a sexual harassment minefield to me. I could take a step back and say "don't make innuendoes to people you don't know very well because it's rude" and that would also be true.

I agree that we should let people know when they transgress our boundaries, but putting the onus on women to constantly call people out on their behavior (which we should all do more, even though it's really hard and uncomfortable and scary to do) removes men's agency to also help with the problem - something I sincerely believe many men would like to do. I think approaching how we interact with a bit more thought and awareness of the unintentional impressions we may give off will go a long way for all of us, as humans, to interact better.

Thanks match, and I agree. You're still not just out at a bar with buddies, you're there with people you've met at a professional event and the professional context should still apply. I think match says it well:

>when a group of people head out to the bars after conference hours there is plenty of networking going on. People form business relationships and friendships that continue after the conference. A female shouldn't have to choose to tolerate unwanted sexual advances simply to participate in these bonding experiences.

That's true, women do, but not having been on the receiving end it's harder for me to speak on that, and it's not what the post is about. I think that we can discuss the behaviors of one group of people without the implied assumption that they're the only ones who behave in that way or that every other group is inherently blameless.

The reason I use "Dude" is an abbreviation for "Type of Dude to Whom This Post is Addressed," as I say in the beginning of the piece - i.e. assuming you're already one of the good guys.

Innuendo is a really really hard one, because a lot of women appreciate a dirty joke as much as men do. I wish the solution could be "let's go ahead and all be grown-ups about it" but that doesn't seem to be working. So instead I'll say "let's think about the things we say and whether or not we're contributing to a sexually-charged environment at work events." Again, context matters: go ahead and make innuendoes among your pals in your own time, Lord knows I will.

Thanks tonyarkles, and to clarify: I'm not saying that it's OK for me to indiscriminately go around hugging people, either. I'm saying that in general the only people I hug are people that I know well enough to know that a hug will be OK from both sides.

Hi guys, a lot of people have made the point that the behaviors that I'm calling out are not so much "sexist" as they are inappropriate, sexual and in general skewed toward women. I agree, "sexist" may not capture all of the shades of meaning I address in the post. Inappropriate captures it better. I'll jump in and update the post to say as much later today. Really appreciate your thoughtful responses.