43 karma · joined December 13, 2011
Yes I don't really know the feeling of what is like to create something, this kills me.
I am constantly disappointed by my code, it sucks, it's really bad and that also makes me lose motivation whenever I try to build something, for some reason failure is a permanent constant and the fear that I am going to fail anyway keeps me from actually getting trough building something to the end...
Yes I did the mistake of getting all these books, I even made a schedule, I was going to study one book on mondays then another on tuesdays and so on but I always fail I can't teach myself anything, it sucks and it makes me angry with myself.
I have several ideas for side projects, at first I am really motivated and very excited but very soon the motivation wears down and by then it stops being fun, I lack the will power of sticking through to the end because in the end I constantly fear that I will fail and if I am going to fail anyway, why try it?
This is ruining me I know I can't be like this but I don't know what to do to stop having these thoughts.
I don't really have a passion I am obsessed with being successful, I feel I've wasted 6 years of my life that I will never get back, I feel that I have not accomplished anything worthwhile and for some reason I constantly feel jealous of everyone else's success, this has made me bitter too.
Sadly HN has become like a drug to me... I have tried several times to ignore and stop coming back here but it has never worked and when I procrastinate I always end up coming back.
No I didn't know about HN back then...the only reason I stayed in that job was because I had to pay for my education, I worked and went to school at the same time.
What do you mean by heavy metal toxicity?