darthclue

From my family to you and yours, thank you. While you may have only given $15, you gave it and that in and of itself means just as much as any donation if not more. I wish there were better alternatives available to help offset medical expenses, however, despite being considered one of the wealthiest nations on the planet those that control that wealth see no need to share it. Our politicians vote in favor of those who have the money to keep them elected and see no need to actually care for the rest of us. Honestly, one of the statements I made to some friends and family earlier today was that I a) hope to survive and beat this cancer and b) win the lottery so that I can give away millions to help others who have found them in similar situations. I see no need to accumulate material possessions or wealth while others suffer. It's not in my nature to condone suffering and in the last few months I've found so many others who have had their own series of unfortunate events similar to mine which have left them in horrible places. Whether me meet our goal or not, the world will eventually know my story and those that have helped me. So once again, thank you for both the donation and the shoulder squeeze. I am humbled to know you and honored to benefit from your kindness.

I am quite honestly at a loss for words here. When this originally made it to HN I found out about it because I was awakened by the sound of my wife sobbing on the couch next to me. I had only been out of the hospital a few days and was sleeping on the couch at that time because I lacked the energy to do much of anything beyond sit there and force food into my mouth. At that time, we saw a huge amount of support from the HN community and I was humbled and honored that so many people stepped forward and demonstrated what I believe is the most important thing in this world. That is, that if we are to survive as a species we must unite and cooperate and, whenever and wherever possible, help those in need.

Over the last few months, I've finally found a good balance between food and the medicines I must take to simply survive. I am still paying ongoing medical costs which insurance is paying a large chunk of, however, insurance doesn't pay for everything. Just some rough numbers based on costs submitted to insurance shows that a single day in the hospital is roughly $3,000/day and a single gamma knife treatment is roughly $100,000. The gamma knife treatment is the best available option for treating tumors in my brain, however, getting that approved by insurance isn't easy. The last time it happened, the neurosurgeon had to submit a written statement indicating that my life expectancy was at least 6 months beyond the time of treatment or they wouldn't pay.

The money from the fundraiser is being used in one of 3 ways: Medical expenses, Putting food on the table, or final expenses which include funeral costs and paying off the house and car debt so that my family will have a roof over their heads when my time comes. For those that have given, I will never be able to say thank you enough nor will I ever be able to repay you. I do hope that your generosity will be repaid to you ten-fold in some way. I've seen many of you give small amounts and many of you give large amounts, however, the common theme is that you are giving what you can while also wishing you could give me. From me to you, whatever you give is precious. Even it is only $5 it is precious because you have taken the time to give and demonstrated that you believe in providing hope and compassion to others and because those $5 donations add up quickly when it is thousands of people giving.

I lost my grandmother this month from cardiac arrest. Because of my health, I couldn't attend her funeral. That was and continues to be a very painful thing for me. She was always there to make sure I was taken care of and even spent several weeks with us helping to keep me fed and motivated despite her own health failing her. She passed at 80 years, 8 months, and 8 days of age and the legacy she left me was to help others as much as you can. Even though my own health is failing, I am doing whatever I can to bring attention to others whose situations are just as bad, if not worse, as mine.

At this point, even though my prognosis has not changed, I am feeling better. I still have trouble moving around as I run out of energy quickly and fight pain constantly. There is still no cure for the type of cancer I have and the treatments I am on will likely cease to be effective at some point. While there is likely to be a point at which all treatment options have been exhausted, I continue to have hope that a cure may be found before that happens. Quite honestly, even if it meant that I was physically unable to do anything and even if it meant that I had lost a substantial amount of my cognitive function, if I was alive I would be fine. That is truthfully the only thing that I have ever wanted. I simply want to live, to watch my children grow, and to die of old age with my soul mate by my side.

I want to bring your attention to some other individuals whose situations are, I think, worse than mine.

First, there is Nathalie. She is a 15 year old who is battling a rare form of cancer. She is trying to get access to a drug which could very well save her life and might even save mine one day. She meets all of the requirements except for her age. Because she isn't 18, she can't get the drug until it's been approved by the FDA. You can learn more about her situation at http://www.4nathalie.com/

Second, there is Ben. He is a father of 4 who was diagnosed with cancer of the Brain and central nervous system in December and given weeks to live. He's fought an impossible battle and managed to exceed doctors expectations. At this point, he has exhausted all available treatment options and may soon meet his end. I'm not entirely sure what the needs of his family are at this time, however, he does have a fundraiser at http://www.gofundme.com/ben-fights-brain-cancer

If you feel the need to give but are unable to give to more than one of us, I would ask that you give to either Nathalie or Ben. Although my family does need the help, I want to leave this world better than I found it and that starts by helping others. If my time comes, I would rather that my legacy be that of someone who helped others rather than that of someone who begged for help as others in need were left standing alone.

Thank you again for all that you have done for me and my family. I know that I will never be able to repay your kindness.

Jonathan Dale

I can't say where I stand spiritually but everyone who suggests I should simply rely on God obviously believes that they are not responsible for any of their own actions. And if you truly believe that is materially driven then you haven't bothered reading and understanding what is written.

Don't try to talk to me about God until you've taken the time to actually read and understand who it is you're talking to and what it is you're saying.

My family, including my wife, children, mother, grandmother, and extended family would benefit from a public viewing. Cremation is something we've considered but would like to avoid but we have made a final decision on which way we will go because we don't have the finances in place to make that decision yet. And yes, $20k is about as cheap as I could manage to get it with the research I did given that this would be an out-of-state burial requiring my body be transported across state lines. I've done my research and worked to keep costs as low as possible because that's just part of me trying to give everyone what they want and deserve without creating additional burden on anyone if I can. This isn't an easy decision and my wife are still discussing it because it isn't easy. None of this has been easy.

This was one of the most difficult conversations I had to have. It came about because of my 6 year old who asked if she could go to my funeral. No 6 year old should ask that question and no parent should have to answer it. She has been the strongest through this which is making it even harder because she fully understands what is going on and is asking tougher and tougher questions for which I do not have any good or easy answers. I've cried more trying to come up with the answers than I have in my first 34 years of life.

Comfortable? Yes. Out of touch with you and your poor friends? You know nothing of my life.

I've worked my ass of to get where I am and while you may find our expenses excessive I would point out that they are what meet our needs and keeps us financially secure. Do I like asking for help? Hell no. As a matter of fact, this has been one of the hardest parts of this whole process. As I've been forced to accept that I will die and will likely leave my wife with debts that cannot be repaid I have to consider what will really happen. Without a home, she moves in with her parents. This isn't a bad scenario but it's also not the best scenario. Without the van, she has no way to provide for the basic needs of our children like taking them to the doctor. Note, her parents live in the boonies, there is no public transportation. The cost of a funeral? Have you priced these recently? They aren't cheap no matter how you look at it. And there are far more decisions that go into this than how cheap it is. This has long-lasting emotional impact on my wife, my kids, my mother, my grandmother and a host of other relatives. I can only hope you have people in your life who you care about enough to actually think before you act in the event of your death.

And the moment you begin to think you know anything about how anyone grew up or how hard they've worked to get where they are or how happy they are, you need to stop and rethink your own priorities and happiness. This isn't about things or happiness, this is about security and easing the pain of my death. Memories will make them happier than anything else I can do and we have memories in this house and in that van. And the moment you think I have a sense of entitlement is the moment you need to go down to the nearest shelter and volunteer. You'll soon discover just how entitled you think you are and realize just how wrong you are.

May you find peace and experience true humility before it's too late.

The same place it's always been. I can't count the number of times that I've wished I could just stay home with my kids and enjoy being with them. But I had to choose between providing for them or being with them. There was no other option.

Given my current condition, I can't return to work. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I could wake up and need to be hospitalized yet again or I could be pain free and enjoying every moment I have with my children or I could be dead. It's no longer a choice as to what I do with my life because it is no longer mine. I am living on borrowed time and for every second I can borrow I will be spending it with my children trying to prepare them for my death to make that process easier. No child should have to lose their parent at such a young age and no spouse should find themselves a widow with young children either. Anyone who thinks this is just another sob story should try living it for just the first week and tell me how it feels. Trust me, your tune will quickly change, mine did.

Allow me to clarify my value system for you then. You'll note that the graveyard plot is the 3rd item on the list. If we are unable to fund it, I am prepared for cremation options. This is a 'bucket list', it is more like a wish list than anything else and this is why items are listed in 'priority' order. This is about providing for the financial needs of my wife and kids. Giving them a home and transportation are the most import aspects of making the process of my death easier. There are so many conversations that have to take place between two people who love each other and most of those will always remain private. Telling my wife where I want to be buried and discussing what we need to do before we even begin planning for this was just another of many difficult conversations I've had to have over the last 2 months. I have to make difficult decisions that will impact everyone around me. When you find yourself facing death, I hope that your commitment and resolution to cremation remains as it is today.

The important thing here is not that you gave to someone else, but that you gave and when you need it most, I can only hope that someone will be there for you because you gave to someone else.

Our loan is a 30 year term, cause ya know when you're 35 you don't expect to die in 2 years. Getting it re-financed isn't really an available option at this point.

If you feel that your money is better spent donating to a cancer research center, then please do. But your jealousy is seriously mis-placed and you are seriously confused with regards to my motives. I'm not any more worthy of this than the next guy. That's the simple truth. And asking for help of any kind is the last thing I want to do. But I also can't just die and leave my family to suffer and fight for themselves. My human nature tells me that I should do everything I can to take care of them and to take care of those around me. I can't count the number of times I've done something for a complete stranger, like paying for their meal, just because I felt that I had been blessed that day and there was a need to pass it on.

Even as I sit here and look at what happened with this today I am torn between actually using the donations to pay off our housing and transportation debts along with my final resting place or just giving the money to someone else who needs it more than I do. It is not easy being in the position where I know what my family needs and knowing that there are others who deserve so much more.

I'm sorry that no one was there when your girlfriend died. That is truly sad and shouldn't happen to anyone. I can only hope that you find it in your heart to give something to someone and realize that when you need it most someone will be there for you.

I wish I had the strength. As it is, I'm so weak that I can't even get upstairs to my own bed anymore. This is one of the most difficult things that I've had to accept is physical limitations. I've always been able to do physically challenging things that included running, although I'm horrible at it, and moving furniture around when needed. Now? I can barely lift my laptop and we won't even talk about the need to use an electric cart at the store now. It makes me feel weak and feeble despite mentally knowing I'm too young to be this damn old.

And I intend to fight until I have nothing left. I refuse to just give up and die. It's not in my nature.

ACA rates might be a little less but I wouldn't expect they'd be much less. The insurance I have via my employer is far superior than anything I can get from ACA at this time and resetting to an ACA plan would reset deductibles and out of pocket expenses possibly costing me more money in the long run. It's something I will be looking at when the time comes that I have to make that choice. Until then, I am thankful that I still have insurance through my employer which is reasonably priced and has paid out more than $280,000 to keep me alive for the last 2 months. Without it, I would most certainly be dead at this point.

sonnyz, this is very generous offer. I didn't hear from you but you can also reach me at darthclue@gmail.com

With regards to making it to Florida, I don't that this would ever happen even if someone stepped up and covered the cost of the entire trip. With my current health, every day is an unknown. When I got up this morning, I had no idea that I'd end up in the ER yet again nor that I'd be so exhausted I'd come home and sleep for several hours. This has become my unfortunate reality. Even if it was an all expenses paid trip it would likely kill me before it was over and it is for this reason that I consider this to be near the bottom of the bucket list. It's more for my kids than it is for me and it's meant to provide them with happy memories that will hopefully sustain them through my death. That said, if we make it to Florida I will at a minimum be in touch just to say thank you.

Depressing that you wouldn't even bother to take the time to actually read and see what is going on here. If the only thing you can focus on Disney World and Casa Bonita then it is obvious where your priorities towards humanity lie. And the fact that you bring up South Park in relation to Casa Bonita tells me even more about your lack of passion when it comes to your fellow man. I can only hope that you'll find someone who changes your perspective and you find your heart before it withers and dies.

With regards to funeral costs, have you even looked at what these cost now? It's obvious to me that you haven't or you wouldn't have bothered to mention a county funeral.

With regards to importance, I'm no one. I'm not worthy of the attention this has gotten, but I am human. And that's the point. This is about being human and caring about fellow humans, period. There are people who deserve this far more than I but that doesn't change the fact that someone felt this was worthy of attention and to that person, I say thank you.

Thank you for seeing that this isn't about me, it's not about a pricey funeral, it's not about trips. It's about providing for my family as best as I can given the circumstances. It's about giving them peace of mind when they have lost something important.

May you find your heart before experiencing the loss of a loved one. May you realize that this has nothing to do with frivolous capitalism and everything to do with being human and doing everything you can to provide your family even after you're gone.

I wouldn't say that it's made me physically sick. I am physically sick but it's the emotional toll that is the worst. Just knowing that this body is dying and there is nothing I can do is frustrating and when I consider what it means for those around me I become an emotional wreck. I could care less if I die, but I do care about what it will do to my wife, my kids, my mother, my grandmother, my aunts, uncles, cousins, close friends, even complete strangers who took the time to send me $5 and a few simple words of encouragement. These are lives that I've touched in some way and my death will impact them. Some more than others but it will still impact them. Doing what I can to lessen that impact and make it a more positive experience for them is the least I can do as my final act of thanks towards humanity.

I am hopeful that I live long enough for the next great breakthrough to happen. The treatment that I am on didn't get FDA approval until late 2011 and is actually working to shrink the tumors. Unfortunately, they don't know where mine originated and it has progressed so quickly that they don't give me good odds. I literally went from being fine one day to having cancer the next. There were no external signs and the internal tumors are huge, ranging in size from golf balls to soft balls.

I have hope but I'm also being realistic based on how my treatment has progressed. I have to plan for the reality that I may not have more than 9 months and hope that I'm still here in 15 years. It's a very difficult place to be emotionally.

With regards to MD Anderson, I've heard great things from them, however, I trust my doctors and they work with many of the doctors from MD Anderson. Before they did my gamma knife treatment they actually sent the MRI results over to a neuro-surgeon peer group to ensure that the right actions were being taken. They have taken no chances and are doing the right thing as far as I'm concerned. I continue to do my own research looking for the next best thing and will definitely consider MD Anderson should I find that they have something better available than the treatments I'm on.

Our basic needs are taken care of for now. We have a strong group of friends and family who have been by our side throughout this entire mess and provided us with indescribable support. Spiritual support of any kind is always welcome.

2 years ago, my diagnosis would have meant death within a matter of months as the treatment I am getting didn't exist. I look forward to the day when no one has to go through this. For now, I am not dwelling on the sadness but I am trying to leave my wife and children with as few worries as possible and with as many happy memories as possible. It breaks my heart to know that I might not live to see my 6 year old's birthday and no one should have to go through that.

Thank you girvo. With regards to costs, thus far it is at $285,000 of which I am responsible for $3,000. That doesn't include the cost of the premiums which run us $400 / month and will soon increase as I'll be paying cobra rates instead of the employee rate. The chemo is $11,000 / month and I've been averaging a hospital stay every two weeks as my body breaks down and those average about $20,000 / week if I don't require any kind of specialized treatment. Radiation treatment was $102,000 by itself and insurance would only cover it if the doctor said I had a life expectancy of more than 6 months. There will come a time when I can't get the treatment I need because it's too expensive and not covered by insurance. I'm honestly afraid that time will be sooner rather than later as the average life expectancy for someone with my diagnosis is 9 months.

Jonathan here. Being woke up by my wife crying because the donations just aren't stopping is both heart-breaking and comforting.

For those of you who haven't seen the 'Bucket List' post, here's what it says at the very top:

As I try to deal with the reality that is my impending death I can't help but wonder how many things I might have been able to accomplish given just a little more time. When I was diagnosed, I had only one thing that I wanted; to live long enough to see my children grow up. The reality is that the odds of me living long enough to see my children grow are quite slim. The only available treatment will eventually stop working and then it's just a matter of time.

This is the list of things that I want to accomplish while I still have time. Many of them aren't for me. They are for my family. They are meant to provide security for my wife and kids so that they can celebrate my life instead of mourning my death when that time comes.

My priorities are taking care of my family just as they always have been. Sometimes, we just can't plan far enough ahead to deal with something like this. If you saw the original page you would also note that Trips and meeting celebrities is not high on my list of priorities. Those are things that would provide me with a small boost on an emotional level but I don't consider them something that must happen before I die.

Life Insurance: I changed jobs and don't have any and now that I'm terminal, the cost for obtaining it is prohibitive. I agree that this is poor planning on my part, however, I'm 35 and no one expects to find out that they are going to die at 35. We all think we have plenty of time and the reality is that we don't.

Health Insurance: Thank god that I have this or we would've been sunk from the beginning. Despite having insurance, there continue to be ongoing costs and once I go on long-term disability I'll be paying cobra rates to keep the same coverage. I have no idea how expensive this will be but I don't expect it to be cheap.

This really isn't about me or the money, this is about my family and trying to ease their pain. I know that I'm living on borrowed time right now and I could be dead at any moment. All I want to do is spend as much time as I can with my kids so that they know I loved them. You try telling a 6 year old that her daddy has cancer and will be dead before she turns 8. Hardest thing I've ever had to do and I would never wish it any one.

For those of you that have helped us, thank you is not enough.