cypherofreal1ty

How longterm is it on average? Because i cant live with the person i am :(

believing my own bullshit only made things worse for me since i thought i am smart enough to do it tomorrow and never did.

i need something different since i have had tried to improve so many times :(

I want to work hard, but i am not even able to do the bare minimum work that is needed. Second, i want to work in such a way that i derive enough value (money) and not still be at the mercy of inflation and the various financial "Traps". So, two obstacles i do not know how to cross.

Could you maybe mentor me? xD

Of course i am depressed, i have had some other revelations in the past 2 years that have shattered my psyche even more. You see, i was raised in a family where there is strong belief in God and living a good, honest and hard working life. but i finally realized that this entity my loved ones so strongly believe in to get through tough times and help people selflessly is a sham, that has caused terrible suffering that we can never quantify, probably is also the reason for our senseless overpopulation.

So it turns out life is inherently meaningless with no higher purpose, and i also wasted a lot of it daydreaming about making it big, and making the world a better place but put zero effort in that or any other facet of living.

Since life really doesn't have meaning, having money would atleast give me and my loved ones security and the ability to do nothing (which i love) but to get there, i need to be a productive, crazily-driven tech czar or something similar. And what better place to ask this than Hackernews. America's crazy work culture is why the country and it's people are so success and i want a piece of that pie.

Haha :D i would have loved it if that was possible.

i am honestly not even that good a person to my loved ones, that makes things worse. i just wanna be a successful person who doesn't have to worry about money and tech is a good way to get there since i don't really know how to deal with and understand people either

i have had goals like that and i did nill to achieve them and i hate myself for it.

Since we live in a winner-take-all society, one has to morph to be able to thrive in such an environment and i want to. i am from a place where the killer instinct is a necessity and the price of failure is too high (believe me, i know it very well). i have no choice but to become the type-A finance/tech millionaire to ever hope to become one.

> If you're LARPing, you have a flair for writing.

Not larping sadly, this is real. Thank you, i do not know if you are being kind with the compliment but either way, even having flair for writing is useless in the age of LLMs haha.

You could be onto something there, i have tried this and it works but i am not able to be anywhere close to as productive as i should be and i do not know why

How long did it take for the meds to work? I have to different doses for a month each but did not see any effect, partly because i would sometimes not take the med on time.

i did consult an adhd specialist who said that i am unlikely to have it. and i don't have hyperfocus either, which seems to be common in adhd. even though i have tried to trick myself into getting interested in scientific and technical areas, my mind just shuts down or refuses to learn :(

I am not even able to do that, and that is the problem, I am not even a run-of-the-mill human and since atleast a decade, (atleast i thought or fantasized that) i have always wanted to be this driven person who achieves great things, and earns enough money that money is no object but other bigger, deeper things are what drive me but here i haven't done shit, partly because whenever a complex subject is put in front of me, i have used some or other avoidance technique to push to learn it later and never did.

Now i am trying to learn C++ from scratch but it's going agonizingly slowly, because some thing in me prevents me from being able to actually write the code on the screen and i don't know why.

i honestly dont know if this is an excuse but very frequently when i try to study, through lectures or textual content, i start feeling drowsy very quickly. i have been told this is not uncommon but idk

cptsd or not, i have realized i am pretty inflexible as well, which has really stalled my personal growth

Thanks a lot for chatting with me :)

What do you think i should do now?

It is possible that i have no technical acumen and may not have anywhere close to an exceptional intellect to fulfill my dreams. That combined with the strong aversion to doing any tasks, whether mental or physical means i am basically a vegetable but i don't want to be.

i don't know if you can help me with this but no harm in asking. are psychologists who follow freudian methodologies effective? i got an assessment done with a psychologist who used tests like rorshcach inkblot test, thematic apperception test and some others.

For a few years, my single mom had to raise me and we did not spend a lot of time together as she worked during the day and only came home at night, but from what i can remember, she has been a good parent always and i was the one who would have tantrums and meltdowns sometimes. i don't remember being neglected.

i can definitely relate with the last sentence haha, but you seem to have overcome it, how?

Also, i peeked around at your profile (sorry!) and see, this is what terrifies me. You have been coding since a young age, have worked in so many cool positions, even created your own software products. I on the other hand, first learned about programming when i was 14-15 and even tried learning it a bit before stopping idk why thinking i will learn later and instead daydreaming about making millions lmao. but i never was actually able to learn it, not just programming, basically anything people learn as they grow. My parents are still supportive and that makes it even worse since i did shit despite a good environment. There is this sense of doom that has taken over me and i don't know what to do.

i can definitely see some similarities from a brief read up on cptsd but i don't know if it could affect me so badly that i literally procrastinated years away on things that i have been told are necessary, partly due to delusions of superior ability and partly due to feeling tired a lil bit after attempting some mentally consuming task.

Good to hear your wife got better :)

I skimmed over maladaptive freeze response and from what i could understand, it affects a person in situations which were stressful for them in the past, but for me, i haven't had any extreme traumatic experiences that i remember, except bullying but my inaction has extended to normal, everyday things like academics which has been particularly emphasized by my parents and i have had a positive view of learning since early childhood but maybe due to low mental capacity, never really learned much.

The thing, is that this is not just about fitting in society (although that is an important part f it), but the most major one that has doomed me is some kind of aversion to just "doing" things, and i mean any thing, like exercise, grooming, learning, studying and so much more. This is combined with the fact that when i do try to learn something, i stop after sometime either because i feel tired or feel it is too easy and i am very smart and can easily learn it later.

the one time i did work hard in school, i did not get anywhere as good outcomes as the effort i put in. i live in a part of the world where money is very necessary (i mean, it is important everywhere) and to earn boatloads, you have to be exceptional, know the right people, be wily enough to catch opportunities and manipulate people but i don't have the capabilities to do any of this.

i am going to be honest, i have had big dreams and ambitions but i have never been able to put in the work to get to them because of multitude of reasons. so, i don't really know what to do anymore.

i consulted an adhd specialist who said i am unlikely to have adhd, but could possibly have a personality disorder. i was supposed to go for another session later on but she had implied that i am only mentally capable enough to be a bagboy/cashier in a store.

But now that i think about it, she may have been right. My actions and beliefs do seem to point to a low intellect and i may be narcissistic.

I have been seeking mental healthcare but i am not sure they understand the severity of my problems. i was prescribed meds but i keep missing to take them on time, as per suggested schedule.

this makes me doubt whether i have a mental problem or i am just a lazy, unorganized person who can't change my dysfunctional habits.