careerspouse

Thanks, I've heard about this book a few times now, so I've just ordered it for myself (and maybe my wife).

And jeeze, #5 there is speaking directly at me.

Thank you, I appreciate your kind words.

Good insight, thanks. I do notice some bouncing from crisis to crisis with her. Not that all of them are manufactured -- some are very real and unavoidable. However, she has a tendency to fall into the role of victim, where these things in her life happen to her, and she's just trying to survive. I would LOVE to figure out how to help her out of that mentality and take ownership of all aspects of her life.

Thanks, it's so easy to forget that we'll never understand each other without listening to each other.

Re: 2, I am beginning to embrace my role as it is now, and I feel so much better about it already. Whether it's short- or long-term, I can take pride in my ability to enable her to be the best mom and wife she can be.

Thanks for your insight, good things to think about.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

The comment about jealousy of her career was part of a recent spat that came about because I was annoyed at a situation related to her work travel. She was going to be away for just a day and a half, but then asked to take the morning before to exercise because she had been too busy at work the previous day and she uses exercise as her escape, so she "needs" it. In my mind, that is clearly saying, "my job was more important than exercise [OK, no problem], and now my exercise is more important than my family." On the surface, that's not a terrible statement, but then my mind says, "so that implies your job is more important than your family," which to me is not OK. Ultimately, it's not a big deal, she can go exercise in the morning, I can handle the kids and get them off to school, and me to work. But this situation really makes me angry about her priorities. As soon as I voice that, it's a fight and she actually turns it into an argument about feminism and says I'm trying to make a power play and keep her down. It's actually bizarre to me, to the point that I can't tell if I'm crazy because of the way she is reacting -- have I really said something to bring on a fight about feminism?

> Do you respect yourself?

That's a great question, and I always thought I did, but maybe not like I should. I'm healthy, I have a good job (by most standards, extremely good), but am I living up to my full potential? Probably not, and maybe that is disappointing.

> Is your wife happy?

Right now, I'd say definitely not. She is overworked, and outside of work she is going through a lot with a crazy family situation right now. She recently told me she cried twice in her office one day, but then refused to talk to me about it because "it's too stressful to talk about." That was another issue that made me feel like I'm on the outside and her job is on the inside.

> sacrifice is the life you signed up for

Yes, I know this. The thing I'm having a hard time coming to terms with is the disparate sacrifice between the two of us.

> realizing and coming to terms with the facts of your situation

I think this is the biggest thing I need to get out of this. It actually felt like a weight was immediately lifted when I was able to realize and vocalize this feeling that I might subconsciously be trying to sabotage her job because I see it as a higher priority in our relationship than me. I'm now wondering if I can embrace this role as the family catch-all that picks up responsibilities she's unable to share instead of feeling resentful about it. I'm hoping as long as I can recognize it as what it is, I'll be OK with it in the long run. But as I mentioned before, the thought of a slippery slope of sacrifice scares me. It's really not type of person I've ever been.