>But also because crypto is totally unregulated -- and by the rules of the game, if you have the keys, you have the coins -- you have zero recourse.
I don't think that's true. If you could go to the cops with dead-to-rights evidence that someone stole your coins, pretty sure the cops could still charge them with larceny because the law still views cryptocurrency as a form of property. Plenty of people have been charged with crimes for stealing cryptocurrency -- the ex-secret service agent who stole from the custody of the Silk Road investigation comes to mind.
It's just that catching and prosecuting cybercriminals across jurisdictions is a _very_ hard problem that it might as well be that you have "no recourse" in 99.99% of cases.