Secondly every member of our team has been in a position at some point in their working lives where we’ve had to build applications that support all manor of strange legacy requests. We completely understand.
Yes, if you use our javascript SDK with the API, you would require javascript for it to work. That said, you could take the backend approach and then there would be no issues with supporting older clients or applications as it would all be handled by the servers.
We have been thinking about adding a hosted checkout page for exactly the reason you describe. it would probably be an option so that you can either use a hosted checkout page quickly, or if you want more control you can use one of our SDKs and build your own checkout.
Thanks for wishing us luck!