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Comment by atrilumen | Hacker News Reader

But isn't it better to be weird than to be boring?

I'm just flat out socially retarded, and desperately lonely. Reading this, I felt a twinge of excitement at the suggestion that I might break out of the box with a little creativity. I kind of took it as saying, "don't be afraid to be weird".

I think my fear of revealing how crazy I am probably accounts for a good deal of what holds me back. The idea of it being okay to be weird, or at least, unexpectedly thoughtful and inquisitive, seems a rather hopeful one. (Sadly, I'm absolutely clueless as to whether that's actually the case.)

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> But isn't it better to be weird than to be boring?

That depends on your objectives, but if the goal is to make or have friends that you like to be around, I'd agree. I'm not very weird, but I have become rather more openly myself, which I'd say by definition makes me seem a bit weird at times. The result has been that most of my friends are also a little weird, or enjoy me being myself.

However, I'd argue that this only works if you're honestly weird. Just yourself, really. Being quirky to mask insecurity or a boring life can often come across as annoying and fake.

If your goal is to not be lonely, and not in the first place to 'be yourself' as well, I'd say a much more effective approach is to become a good listener. Everyone likes good listeners, and it's a (relatively) easy thing to learn. In my more lonely and insecure periods of life I often just asked questions and listened, and after doing just that for an entire conversation, people would often remark how wonderful the conversation was.

Obviously this is not ideal in the long run, as it can be quite tedious and annoying to just listen to others, but as a basis for forming connections it's very effective.

> I'm just flat out socially retarded, and desperately lonely.

That sucks, and I've been there. I still find myself weird and strange, and there are still many times where I feel like the odd person in the group. Yet I've managed to somehow gather a pretty sizable collection of weirdly honest people that range from acquaintances to good friends. I don't know if I can give you good suggestions, but I do know that for me this process has been quite 'conscious' and deliberate.

If you'd like to talk about this sometime, let me know! I'd be happy to chat (and/or meet in person if you happen to be nearby). Loneliness is the worst!

Possibly. I think a lot of it depends on the people you're trying it with.

It's probably a safe assumption that the peer group I tried it with then (high school) reacted quite a bit differently than my current peer group would (largely very intelligent coworkers).

It's a delicate balance between being polite (toeing your partner's comfort zone), provocative (so they actually have to think about the answer), and funny or interesting (catch them off guard, be entertained).

When you're starting out you'll accidentally dip too far off either of these scales, but you can just apologise and calmly change tactic. Eventually you'll intuitively "feel" the conversation. And remember, some people are just too prudish, boring, or disinterested to be good conversationalists — feel free to politely "thank you" out of a conversation.

Sometimes it's better to be weird than boring, sometimes vice versa.

Certainly if you are "desperately lonely", that sounds like a situation where you might want to take (at least) a few (modest) risks to make a few more personal connections, absolutely. Yeah, don't be terrified of being weird, or being seen as weird.

But I think if you want to make a connection, artificially-weird is not, i.m.h.o., your best strategy. And I think that's what's being suggested in TFA (perhaps jokingly). I'd consider aiming instead towards more honesty, and that means (a little) more vulnerability.

Now, if your honesty reveals that in some particular ways you are a weird person (which would, in general, be a good sign of being potentially interesting and worth connecting with), well, that might work against you in some instances. Or it might work for you in some instances. If it's important that you gain the trust of this particular stranger right now (perhaps a cop who is considering arresting you), maybe you wanna try to downplay the weirdness in this particular interaction, to avoid ugly outlier reactions.

But in the making-friends department (and in the finding-lovers department, if you're not Wilt Chamberlain), the goal is not to be everything to everybody. The goal is to winnow the chaff of the public-at-large to find people whom you like, and who like you. So take some chances, put a few people off. If you get rejected (or you yourself reject) 99% of the population... well, just try making friends with 1000 people (say one a day for 3 years) and you'll have no shortage of friends. Being "normal" is a liability! Your weirdness may bore or repel most people... but someone eventually will find your weirdness interesting or attractive.

So, if you need to go with non sequiturs to break a fear of doing anything interesting at all, well, that's a start. But I think it would be better to seek topics that might be genuinely interesting to both parties (unlike, say, conspiracy theories about Pearl Harbour, which probably aren't genuinely interesting to either party, even if they're more interesting than super-boring small talk).

For example, a strategy I respect very much is to ask people about themselves or their life (hopefully in a way that flows fluidly from a sentence or two of small talk), and when their story includes something that surprises or interests you, ask questions about that interesting or improbable aspect. (I wonder if Alton is reading this.)

My apologies if any of the foregoing sounds patronizing or otherwise insulting.

Good luck with the loneliness, you have my sympathy.

The outgoing people you meet will have met many people, including crazier than you. The crazy people you meet might think you're normal, or be happy to have met another crazy. I was stalked for a year - I bet I wouldn't think you're crazy.

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