"Nowadays stuff like proper closures, immutability, a good async story, etc, is considered a necessity by discerning hackers." Python has proper closures; I would hope discerning hackers know the difference between a closure and an anonymous function. asyncio is fantastic.

"Remove the GIL." Do you think no one's thought of that before? Remove it how?

"Make it speedy." As you note, that's what PyPy is doing, but this is a hard problem that doesn't have quite the same glamor as JavaScript, so there aren't multiple giants with deep pockets throwing money at it in a race to the top. Maybe throw some cash PyPy's way.