The shy connector: How to get strangers to talk to you | Hacker News Reader

The shy connector: How to get strangers to talk to you

sachachua.com

57 pointsdhotson30 comments

Good advice. But the author, a self-identified introvert, comes across as someone who's genuinely interested in other people. Some people, introvert or extrovert, are just not that interested in others. This isn't a bad thing - self-focused people accomplish much in the world. I see empathy as orthogonal to extraversion, and it's not something you can fake (unless you're a psychopath!).

But people who don't care to talk to other people would not be reading this. This advise is for a select group of people (introverts who want to meet others).

Exactly. It is wonderful that a reflected, empathic introvert has finally been able to figure out something like this. I am in the same spot as the author right now, and the thing that really gets to me is that I have to fake being an extrovert in order to connect with other people. It isn't really that hard (it's just acting), but it is really draining when it shouldn't be.

The ideal way to interact would be to be able to be myself while still managing to spark some openness and life in my conversational counterpart. After all, most deep wants are somehow achievable, and there isn't any obvious reason why it should be impossible to connect with other people if you happen to hate smalltalk and often enjoy being alone.

The definition of introvert is not requiring that much external social stimulation, not hating to interact with other people.

but it is really draining when it shouldn't be.

Nope it is draining for introverts.

Your definition of introvert is a bit off too. Introverts ARE mentally drained by social interaction. I am. And I am invigorated by alone time. I am an introvert, but me and all my introvert friends don't have any trouble talking to people, starting conversations, small talk, parties, even public speaking.

In fact the people I know that do have trouble with those things strike me as shy and socially anxious extroverts.

I'm not sure that's a complete definition though. As an introvert, while I don't hate interacting with other people, I do find an excess of interaction (in terms of either the amount of people and/or duration) rather draining, and my interest in interaction is somewhat volatile.

According to Carl Jung, who invented the terms introvert and extrovert, the two are really about preferring to focus inside or outside yourself. They don't necessarily have a social connotation.

The introvert, according to Jung, generally perfers to focus on his own feelings, thoughts, ideas, dreams.

While the extrovert, generally prefers to focus on things outside himself, like objects, other people, and their ideas, feelings, etc.

So, in the original sense, these definitions have absolutely nothing to do with shyness or lack thereof, or about feeling "drained" by interaction with people vs being alone.

An introvert could be perfectly happy being with other people, as long as he can focus on his own internal world. And an extrovert could be happy being alone, but as long as he can focus on people or things outside himself.

True, but I wish someone would write a guide for people like me to avoid conversation with strangers when I don't want to have one.

If I'm in an elevator, what's the quickest way to make someone stop talking to me about my bike? If I'm waiting for a bus, what's the quickest way to get a stranger to stop talking to me about his life? If I'm reading a book, what's a polite and effective way of saying "Sorry if you're illiterate, but I actually do read for pleasure"?

Some people you just can't shut up. But the wast majority of humanity will take a serious face and terse answer as a clear sign you have no desire to chat.

You should move to London. Nobody will ever bother you, unless it's to shout at you for doing something wrong.

The author primarily struck me as shy and/or socially anxious. I am an introvert in that I have VERY little interest in people and feel mentally drained after even the most fun and relaxing parties, but feel energized after isolation.

And yet I have no problem initiating conversation or small talk or meeting new people or anything like that. In fact one of my pet peeves is when people confuse introversion for social anxiety, they are not the same thing.

It really doesn't matter if you're an I or an E. Or switch between I/E. As long as you can accept yourself. The rule of thumb I use for I/E orientation is does that person get energized around other people...

Reposting this but: We had a team bonding day in which we were split up randomly into small groups. Random or not, the group I was put on was all introverts. We were given a problem [a clever problem-solving exercise] and the observer (who was an extrovert) noted that (to him) 'it was like they were all just staring at the puzzle for 5 minutes. They were just sitting there thinking. No one in the group said much of anything until they arrived at a silent consensus.' Contrast that to other groups where members debated the relative merits of their solutions. We won the game.

In another company exercise, done after a Myers-Briggs session, they split the I's and E's into groups. And then they said (hypothetically) 'You have the day off. What do you guys want to do with the day? You have $100 each'. The I's were like - I'm gonna read a book, run errands etc. And the E's were like - 'Who's going to Vegas? Party at our house.' The E's were planning parties while the I's were planning alone time.

One of my teachers freshman year was talking to the class about his friend, he would often start a conversation with strangers he met at bus stops (as an example) with a question like this: "What kind of music do you think you like?" Now some people turned into interesting conversation, while others, sadly, told him to piss off. But the point is, it's an interesting way of how to get strangers to talk to you =]

Is "you think" part of the bait?

"Hey geeks! Ya know all that stuff you learned about subtle trolling on the 'Net? IT WORKS IN REAL LIFE!"

Most helpful thing I found is to ask ask people about themselves. A corollary is to avoid referring to "I" , "me", and so on. (Not always so easy of you've been spending a lot of time on your own, doing whatever drives you.)

Most folks a) like to talk about themselves (or their interests), and b) are flattered that someone is interested.

I second this. People seem to come with a built-in affinity for probing just how amazing they are. Depending on your agenda, all you really have to do is help them explore that space.

Sometimes I put myself in the "interviewing for a magazine" mindset to keep me rolling.

I confess that encouraging people to talk about themselves when instead I could be talking about me is a habit I keep working to develop.

Do geeks have a greater tendency to talk about themselves than the general population, or is this pretty much everybody?

I do think that geeks have a warped idea about what normal people will think interesting. :)

I can just see myself now...

"It's a pretty nice day. Hasn't been too humid lately."

"Yeah. Hey so what are you passionate about?"

Check out darkxanthos' crazy social desensitization exercise.. He talked to a stranger every day for 30 days and it became so much more:

"Social Skydiving with a Code Monkey: Day 15 Halfway There"

http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=693981

I know your comment above was sarcastic but..

Think about how you talk with your good friends.

How it just flows. The idea behind leapfrogging small talk is to talk like you're friends already.

It's a bit of a Jedi mind trick but the basic idea is to prime the pump. When you walk up to someone point blank (especially a stranger, especially a pretty girl) - 'What are you up to?' - you're putting all the onus on them to carry the conversation, believe it or not. Because you didn't have the courage to actually start a conversation. They don't know you - so of course they'll say 'nothing' or 'errands. bye!' to politely blow you off. You didn't invest much so they won't invest much back. And the conversation will die.

Commitment is everything! Asking someone a question is not starting a conversation. Tell them something about themselves.

How to start a conversation? Practice. Compliments are great. If you notice something interesting about someone, instead of just keeping it in your head. Just walk over confidently and say it. "I like how you are so engrossed in that book in the midst of the craziness here".

Never state a fact without a feeling. Facts are boring.

Just stick in a introduction, and drop the word "passionate" and suddenly it doesn't seem so awkward.

"It's a pretty nice day. Hasn't been too humid lately."

"Yeah, sure is. Hey, I'm Kevin" <extend hand, shake>

"I'm <name>"

"So what are you into, <name>?"

I used to be really shy when talking to people.. I'm getting better at it though.

Usually all it takes to get things started is a "G'day, hows it going?"

:-)

I should totally get a hat.

I bought one. Turned out it looks better on my s.o., so it's hers now.

It is a generally good idea to try to weat something that you consider unusual for you or even unacceptable. It could be bright red or yellow or orange coat, jeans or hat. It is very useful experience - you will notice that people are looking at you - that very important experience (which couldn't be extracted from books or other way) for shy prople on the way of self-development. And you also will notice that the sky still didn't fall on earch because you're wearing this imposible (for you) hat or coat.

I sometimes wear a bathrobe. Not one I actually use as a bathrobe... Just instead of a trenchcoat. It's ridiculously comfortable, and gets people to talk to me.

Or ask you which institution you busted out of.

Finally, some practical advice introvert to introvert.

Many people have flexible dispositions, however, and will generally find their social lot improve if they teach themselves to take the initiative in social interactions. I believe there are true unchangeable introverts, but not as many who think that they are.

just wondering about the parallels...

there was a time when people thought that left-handed people could be taught to use the "right" hand too...

not saying it can't be done, but... you can probably predict my thoughts.

I used to be completely in my own world. I would never talk to people who I didn't know. Then a while back, I decided to change that. I get into conversations all the time with random people I meet on the street.

It's interesting how friendly a lot of people are if you just make an attempt to be nice or polite. You can get, for example, all sorts of interesting information from security guards...

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