Social Skydiving with a Code Monkey Day 15: Half Way There
socialskydivingwithjustin.posterous.com
socialskydivingwithjustin.posterous.com
Your 30-day quest has sucked me in with your honesty and commitment...in process of reading from day 1...might take some time.
I really like your statement of how you are comfortable with introversion yet you would like to "add to who I am rather than to try and be someone I'm not"
> Do I think introverted is equivalent to being defective? God no. Knowing how to be an introvert brings with it a unique set of skills. Being able to be alone for extended periods and not needing external approval as much as the next person can be extremely freeing. However, not being sure how to relate to and talk with people can also be proportionately debilitating. So my ambition here is really formed of the desire to have more skills and add to who I am rather than to try and be someone I'm not.
But I cant help feeling this is completely the wrong way to focus on improving things :( random social interactions is very infrequent to everyone. The kind of conversations he has forced in the last 15 days are very artifical. THe people he is talking too probably share all of the awkwardness he is feeling - which he then attributes to himself.
Humans dont interact like that - we build connections through familiarity etc. Where are the real friendships? That is what he needs to look at - they will be MUCH more beneficial IMO.
Just so I can understand the context, are you coming from a similar POV as me or have you been fairly social most of your life? This isn't an attempt to invalidate your comment in any way but just so I can get a feel for what your perspective is based on.
I had few friends at school and when I was dropped into university it was like shell shock! Nothing to talk about.
I was lucky enough to make a couple of good mates and later made a really good friend on my course (at first I was really rude to him - he was being friendly and I had no idea how to respond). Beyond that group of 8 or so people I struggle to interact socially (or used to).
I get the thinking behind this exercise is great: Im just worried your setting a lot by it. I've spent time studying social interaction becuase i find it interesting. Take talking to people on buses - your unlikely to make headway of any sort all the time because people just dont respond to that. The social consensus tells people that if someone talks to them in that situation out of the blue they are either mad or bad! I mentioned familiartiy before: generally people will accept nods, a shared joke or very very minor small talk in the situations your putting yourself in. If they see you in that context a few times in a row they will be happier to open up more because of familiarity (he talkjed to me before, the world didnt end, safe).
I think your 30days thing will be of value as long as your take away is that people are very introvert people generally and your social difficulties are perhaps exacerbated but not unique (aka everyone feels a bit like that). I do feel the most important thing is to make longer term friendships. They will be a lot more beneficial (in my experience)
EDIT: where do you live? Im guessing the US which is the shame otherwise I would happily pop by and say hi in person (meeting someone I had "broken ice" with online really helped me once).
EDIT: to add a bit more - you've done amazingly well to get this far in. congrats! The secret is, Im guessing, that most "normal" (as in socially comfortable) wouldnt have made it this far.
As far as everything else goes, I think we're on the same page. When I do things, I'm either all in or all out. For right now I'm treating it as a religion but that's up for reevaluation at the end of the experiment. Not a moment before however!
This is what some would call "a limiting belief" and I used to feel this way. Every interaction is between the two people in it and it is a mix of what both people bring to it. There is a lot of communication happening with body language and tonality. I find when I feel clear, confident, and good--others feel this in my presence. By bringing this energy into the interaction (even in a normally non-social situation), comfort/safety is easy to establish, and going further isn't difficult.
Here is another way of thinking about new meetings: "I'm a great person, who wouldn't want to know me?" now when you're meeting people instead of fearing that they'll think you're "mad" or "bad" you can think "I'm doing this person a favor by meeting them". And if you really are a great person then this statement is absolutely true.
Here is why I care enough to write a long comment--when I was doing what the OP is doing, I felt awkward about it and felt like it was a secret, primarily because I was tired of hearing things like what you're saying. I'm glad I managed to avoid these kinds of messages and just push forward.
My comments aren't from personal experience but observation of such conversations. Often the initiator is very charismatic - and usually fails to notice the discomfort of the other person. A bus stop (sticking with this example) is not somewhere you expect to be talked to - so it comes as a surprise; and the majority of people don't recover quick enough from surprise to their "head" to overrule and "gut" reaction (I find this sort of thing fascinating btw).
It's a sub-concious "gut" reaction with it's roots in the "don't talk to strangers" thing we are ingrained with as children.
You make a great point about how one should approach a meeting though (and I wholly agree with it) - in my point I never made a distinction between that and what I was trying to analyse :)
The surprise thing is not what causes someone to overrule their gut reaction. Someone once described it to me like this: When two people meet, an invisible exchange of information is initiated. Each person quickly learns about the other person's emotional state before a word is said. Each person then acts in accordance with how they perceive the other person.
Fortunately for us, tweaking this stuff and avoiding negative transmissions is possible. If I cross my arms, I'm communicating that I'm closed off. If I lean in, I'm communicating that I'm more interested than you are, etc.
If you have neutral body language, make sure the person can hear you (i.e. get their attention and do it with authority), and don't look down--you're halfway there.
Learning these body language things and some basic social skills are what it takes to become very charismatic and these are things that can be taught.
A bus stop, subway, bookstore, hostel, and even the grocery store are all places where people can be met. Sure some situations are more comfortable than others and there is no need to try to stack the deck against yourself by meeting people in situations that you're less than comfortable with. But when "learning" it is a big confidence booster to make some of these harder things work and it can work. It really is the social equivalent of sky diving. :)
However... it is not nearly as awkward for the receiver as most people think it will be. It is mostly stressful for the initiator.
The main concern from the receiver's side is, what does this person want from me. The golden phrase for me when someone doesn't open smoothly is,
>>"I just saw you sitting there, and you seemed like a really interesting, stylish person."
Or some other statement of interest. That seems to set their minds at ease, because you've "shown your cards" as it were, and aren't about to spring some sales pitch on them.
You do a good job with the joking/banter - like with the girl in the elevator. It's not important to be smooth, to be cool, just be real (e.g. 'what the heck is the name of that sandwich place')
In the first 13 or so days, I was a little concerned that you are not having as much fun with this as you could be - I mean, if you approach talking to cute girls as a job that you have to do - they really pick up on that. However, around day 14, you seem to have reached a good level where you are confident and it shows - you don't care what happens - and you have fun.
> "So. Right off the bat embarassing. There's no way in hell I would've asked her had I seen the headphones in her ears."
"success requires a persistent misreading of the odds" - Believe me, there are many guys who would not even think of approaching a woman with headphones on. And women know that (effective flirt barrier). Regardless of the fact you didn't see them, the fact you did that is major. And, regardless of that fact that some people might be so stuck in their head as to not appreciate someone initiating a conversation with them, the fact that you are doing this is major.
If you are looking for what I believe is one of the best guides to conversation (which I see you learning now - less 'Do you X' conversation openers and now more just throwing your feeling/opinion out there in the form of statements) - google charisma and arts
As for the awkwardness, once he gets over that the other person will feel more at ease as well. Once he is at this point working the room at a conference, interacting with people he met through friends, etc. will be much easier.
Being social is a learnable skill, not something a few lucky ones are born with.
It's this realization that's the "line in the sand" for me. If the other person doesn't realize this, this indicates a certain paucity of imagination and lack of curiosity on their part. It is a prerequisite for many forms of intelligent conversation -- namely the forms of intelligent conversation I am the least conversant in. In other words, it's how I can access what is most deserving of my curiosity.