Oh, the actual bugzilla thread is (if possible) even more depressing:
https://bugs.freedesktop.org/show_bug.cgi?id=76935
I had actually started to warm to the idea of systemd, thinking that it couldn't end up the same clusterf*ck of mismatched reinventions that didn't really solve any problems that pulseaudio was. I guess it's time to move to Debian/kFreeBSD and ignore this crap.