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Comment by peteforde | Hacker News Reader

You know, there's a time and a place for quiet reflection. If the author needed time to reflect, he should go for a walk — alone, not go to a party.

I'm a shy introvert, but I see this fellow's problem a mile away: he needs to get better at saying no to people. Sure it's important to be present for social functions, and there's an art to "making an appearance" that is just part of playing the game. But if you're consciously aware that you should be somewhere else... GO.

A room full of tech geeks will get this. Actually, they most likely won't notice that you're leaving. That particular neurosis is rooted in ego: part of you wants someone to notice that you're missing, so that you can be not just doing something important but be a hero about it.

Deep down, we're all frequently irrational in similar ways.

"I don't want to be alone, but I want to be left alone." - Stephen Fry

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We don't get to choose when inspiration visits us. Many times, the solution to an agonizing problem comes when we are far away from it, displacing forceful thought for casual reflection. I know my best ideas sneaked in just like that. I also know that if I'm facing an acute problem that jeopardizes my product (thus my business, thus my wellbeing) I drift to think of it even when I shouldn't. Such is life.

And no, spending more time solving the bug instead of attending social events isn't the cure either. You need to physically remove yourself from a problem if you want a fresh perspective. Go sleep, hang out, eat something, get back. There are very few problems that I haven't solved in a career full of challenges and this one will not be any different, I just need to respect the mechanics of coming up with a solution.

I did not suggest that the author should go back and work.

I did suggest that the author should take a walk to clear his mind, and not attempt to zen out at a social gathering. I also suggested that the author shouldn't go to social gatherings that he doesn't want to be at.

Learning to say no without anxiety is a super power.

Walks can be great. But I think that the external stimuli present when around a noisy bunch of people can sometime do wonders to your perspective. If your work environment is noisy, try going someplace quiet, but if you spend most of your working days by yourself engulfed only with your thoughts, perhaps some company would get new ideas to come out.

That's the thing, going and walking around or going to a social event... it's not clear which one will help you solve your problem. Sometimes sitting quietly and thinking about an issue helps me, sometimes it leaves me chasing red herrings. Sometimes closing my eyes and visualizing helps me, sometimes it's about as useful as chewing bubble gum. Sometimes inspiration will strike for seemingly no reason... the other day I literally had to get out of the shower with shampoo in my hair to send myself an e-mail. I've been working on a hard problem for the past few weeks, at this point I'd say a considerable portion of the "clever fixes" have come to me in my dreams... I'll literally just wake up with a new idea about how to approach the problem that weren't even on my radar when I went to bed.

Also, social events and casual conversation is a great way to be social and engage in conversation while excising rubber duck debugging. So long as you make it entertaining for the other party, it's fun... explaining how stuff works for people who are curious is usually fun for both parties.

It's different strokes for different folks for sure, but don't limit your stroke options... and try not to get shampoo in your keyboard.

Actually, chewing bubble gum is apparently very good for stimulating your brain.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/04/22/chewing.gum.benefits/in...

I recall two other similar studies:

1. People who get migraines are probably chewing too much gum (that is, chewing too much in general.)

2. There's a sharp increase in dementia when people lose their teeth, and this is likely because they aren't chewing enough.

Neither of these were particularly strong studies (the first of the two only had a sample-size of 30, if I recall) but they do support one-another on a general hypothesis: chewing plays a large and necessary part in oxygenating your brain.

Learning to 'zen out at a social gathering', without feeling anxiety, is a super power in my book

i could see it being helpful in some cases because of the varied thoughts and conversation can make you think differently about a problem; and a little alcohol.

He needs to do the exact opposite: instead of clearing his mind, he needs to preserve what is in his mind. I often have this problem, and in the middle of talking to my wife about the new drapes I have to sprint off and grab some graph paper, scribble out my thoughts and then go back - otherwise I know I won't be able to hold the conversation. Sometimes if I'm in the middle of a though I don't even realize someone's talking to me for several seconds, and I have to sort of rewind in my head. It's not that I need to say no, it's that I wasn't even expecting something and my brain wasn't ready to switch.

The problem is that you said you're an introvert, and the author explicitly said, in the title, that he is NOT an introvert.

Going to the social gathering wasn't the problem. The problem was him excusing himself from that social gathering.

In fact, going to the social gathering was the solution. He is an extrovert, who had been trying to solve a problem alone for two weeks. Being an extrovert, going to a place where there is a lot of people is gonna do a lot more than going for a walk alone.

Absolutely. Once you hit the wall trying to solve a problem, you better distance yourself from that problem. Otherwise you'll likely be hitting the same wall over and over again.

For me personally, quiet walk probably won't cut it, because I'd still be focusing on that same solution that failed. But switching my mind completely often helps me to stumble upon a fresh way to solve my problem that will likely work.

I think you're missing the point. This article is not titled "How a busy place helped me solve my problem." No, the title fundamentally justifying being not talkative (which I'm not sure really needs justifying: everybody can feel out of place at a party of strangers who work in a completely different industry).

What gets me is this piece comes across as very defensive. Why deride the man missing his elevator when he's on his phone (maybe he's not in the moment because he too is working on a problem) ? Why deride a hoodie at an office party? Why deride Dan for having a different social pattern than you ("Talks too much") especially when it's in line with his career?

> What gets me is this piece comes across as very defensive. Why deride the man missing his elevator when he's on his phone (maybe he's not in the moment because he too is working on a problem) ? Why deride a hoodie at an office party? Why deride Dan for having a different social pattern than you ("Talks too much") especially when it's in line with his career?

Because he's human and he thinks like that and the article isn't self-censoring to appeal to everyone?

It's not necessarily a censoring "Why did you voice X in this company?" rhetorical, but a "Why interpret X the way you did in the first place?"

Because it made for a well written, entertaining article.

"part of you wants someone to notice that you're missing, so that you can be not just doing something important but be a hero about it."

=> Besides the ego, there's also a cultural component. My Finnish friends tend to excel at leaving without saying goodbye or hugging, not because they have weaker ego but because that's a part of their culture. That said, in my culture (South Korea), your saying nothing when leaving will immediately strike people as socially incorrect or weird to say the least.

Finland is indeed the best place on earth to live if you just want to be left alone. Also: saunas.

As for the cultural differences regarding the ritual of leaving a social event, I really enjoy hearing about how things happen in other places. I would have had no idea.

That said, I get the sense that the author is either in Canada (.ca domain) or California, where people leave parties without ceremony all of the time. It would actually be far stranger to make a big deal of your departure.

^ saunas

I've been to Korean parties/events where on several occasions people left without saying anything and then ended up being called back to the party just to say goodbye.

I've been to a big party in Korea and people left and when someone asked about the people that left, someone said "I think they left." And that was that.

But now that I'm reading about Korean culture on this post, I think this may have been an extremely isolated incident. I don't know what was different about the event I went to however. Could it have been somewhat Americanized? Or maybe an extreme emergency situation where the person had to leave immediately?

That could likely happen. The context matters. Their American upbringing as implied by your comment might have diluted the cultural influence.

Neah, his problem is he's way to obsessed about the problem.

You can't help where inspiration hits you, it can be anywhere but you don't need to drop everything when that happens.

Delay the gratification you seek by solving the problem.

Get a notepad write it down and continue enjoying the social event you can fix the damn thing when you get into the office tomorrow.

Then again most of us don't care much for social stuff i personally like playing that game too.

Being social is a skill like any other and it's very useful one to have. Gets you what you want a lot faster.

You don't choose your inspiration moment. Rather, it chooses you (ref: http://blog.germ.io/how-to-get-from-ideas-to-execution/). Our man had to get out of his problem and think about something totally different to get inspired by an elevator. Think he hasn't seen a missed elevator before? I bet he has. But he had to distract himself from the problem to let the hidden machines in his head get to work.. It's the same reason Archimedes "decided" to go to a bath when his life was on the line. I don't think he was looking for just soapy relaxation there..

Deep down, we all have our little temples.

"If Archimedes went looking for a towel first, you'd have never had a submarine" - qvikr

I'm not sure if the "moral" here is that he should have really been working instead ... I think it's nerd chic to be above social interaction, to discuss interacting with other people as if it is the pedestrian and useless frivolity of human culture.

Agreed. However, there's a third possible state between "working but in a rut" and "at a social gathering he doesn't want to be at" which I call "everything else".

I didn't say that he should have gone back to work, just that he shouldn't go to social events he's not feeling like attending. I suggested that a long walk would do wonders for unblocking his problem.

"he needs to get better at saying no to people" but if he had not gone to the party he might not have stumbled on his solution.

Haha, typical Internet analysis. The guy blogs about an experience in his life honestly and you come up with some characterization that he's not good at saying no to people, that he's not conflicted about where he wants to go (you know, complicated, like humans are, not simple black-and-white, like your straw man humoids are), and oh? the guy also has a neurosis, too? And irrational. Splendid. Can't you for once read a nicely written anecdote without trying to offer half-baked advice about it?

One technique: put on headphones when you need alone time. I find people rarely interrupt me when I have them on, and I have 20+ people reporting to me. Of course, if you do it too often, people will start to interrupt more, but it's a good signal.

> "I don't want to be alone, but I want to be left alone." - Stephen Fry

Smiling continuously and nodding away into the distance usually works for me.

This was a charming and well-written essay. I wish mine were half as good. I'm sorry you followed your urge to crap all over it and tell the author how to live his life.

I'm even sorrier your comment is in the top place. This is why we can't have nice things.

I'm sorry my comment caused you to feel such a negative reaction.

For what it's worth, I didn't say what I said casually. I've worked through similar issues with a coach over the past few years and being honest with myself about the real motivations behind things has been a profoundly useful experience.

I hope we can talk about this in person together some day. I feel like you've got me all wrong, and the fault lies in my inability to convey my empathy for the author through my words alone.

The message that the author conveys is that one may get revelations in the unexpected moments and places. Fair enough, although nothing groundbreaking here.

The problem is that the author has an extremely condescending attitude and the article reflect this.

The irony in that is that the he's spitting in the dish he eats from - one doesn't need to go at a party where you consider all the people as annoying, imbecile, or a combination of both.

With this context in mind, the article looks like more a self-righteous piece engineered to appeal the technical-minded people, just because it has a technical theme.

I would rather call the article "I'm not an introvert. I'm just a misplaced snob".

+1 for this. Definitely the author is a great story teller. Really got sucked into the narrative..

> "I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone."

-Audrey Hepburn

The quote is from Audrey Hepburn originally

When you hear the same quote attributed to two different famous people, that's usually a strong sign that it actually came from somebody obscure. Obscure people's quotes hop to famous people, and not always the same ones.

I have no idea about this quote in particular, though; it seems like a job for http://quoteinvestigator.com.

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