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Comment by booop | Hacker News Reader

"I felt like there were a thousand challenges I had to face alone, that no one else could see. I was usually the only woman where I worked, and I felt so isolated. More than anything else, what I found myself really wanting was for someone to say “I see how difficult it is, and you’re doing a great job. Just keep going.”

Sorry, but it looks like the poster would be unhappy in a number of professions, not just tech. As a manager you're happy when team members come to you to talk about results, not like "I want you to know how difficult and complex this is. It's not done yet, but I'm breaking my balls and I want you to notice how difficult I'm finding it".

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It seems to me you're confusing words of encouragement and empathy with an attitude of acceptance at lack of results.

I've had management who gives encouragement exactly as the author describes, and it does help with my own state of mind. It does not make me think I need to try less hard (if anything, the opposite), nor does it give me the impression that they think it's OK I haven't produced results yet - only that they know I'm working on it, and appreciate the effort I'm putting into it. And that my manager is approachable, which is critically important.

In my own role in managing others, I find a bit of empathy goes a lot further than silence when someone isn't . (And that makes it sound more cold than it is - it's not a conscious choice of 'apply empathy, encourage employee, get results', but rather 'hey, it sucks to be in that spot. employee should know that I understand that - even though I still expect results.')

edit: mismatch paren

Sorry, but I think you misread that. She isn't saying that about her work. She's saying that about the challenge of being the only woman around, and not only of putting up with sexism but in this case the challenge of worrying about sexism. She didn't say that her manager should be the one she can talk to. In fact, this is a pretty textbook case of why it's helpful to have groups for women in programming, so you can reality check each other with things like 'nah, that guy is actually a giant asshole to everyone, not just you/women'.

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