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Part of the problem is since Verizon is CDMA and there's not really SIM cards, they can just say: "Your ESN doesn't look like a device we want to support, you can't activate it, sucks to be you"

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This doesn't sound completely accurate. 4G devices that Verizon does support, like the Galaxy Nexus, do indeed have a SIM(-like?) card that you need in order to use the device on Verizon's network.

That's for LTE. You need CDMA to make calls and send texts.

This is completely false. Verizon uses SIM cards for many devices.

All non-LTE communication relies on the ESN number only. If Verizon doesn't assign a Verizon ESN number to a device and/or refuses to activate whatever ESN the device may already have then you're out of luck. You want Verizon to give you an ESN they'll agree to activate and you're not Apple? Make sure the word "Verizon" is physically printed on the phone, make sure you include a bunch of bloatware, don't ever try releasing software updates because we'll delay them by months, etc.. etc...

You don't have to deal with this kind of nonsense with GSM carriers so long as you have an unlocked phone you're good to go.

They use LTE sim cards. You still need CDMA to make calls and send texts.

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