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Comment by reinhardt | Hacker News Reader

I don't really know what loneliness means, despite being more socially isolated than most. Boredom, fear, hopelessness, existential angst, I get them; loneliness, not so much. It's probably because I don't see social interaction as an end in itself, only as a means to something else, be it playing a game, solving a problem or having a debate. Someone on a forum wrote something that was an "aha" moment for me: "Social interaction is mainly about people stroking each other, the same way that you stroke a dog. The content of the interaction is unimportant, most people just need to be stroked and to stroke others". I guess people without such a need are less susceptible to loneliness.

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Until recently, I also never thought loneliness was something that applied to me. I'm someone who experiences relatively long periods of isolation, whether its hacking on a project, reading, or as others have mentioned just interacting with co-workers or people you feel somewhat required to meet up with... because they're someone you knew from college, someone from your professional network, or a friend of friend, yet you don't really quite connect with them. I went on like this for years, but I never felt bad about it, or felt any sense of lack or nonfulfillment on a deeper level. FYI, mid 20's here.

But then I got a girlfriend, and soon after she moved in with me. She lived with me for an entire year. Every day I'd wake up with the same person and go to sleep with the same person. Anytime I wanted to go out and do something where you wouldn't want to do it alone, like people watching at parks, the beach, movies, new restaurants, road trips, new bars, etc., she was there and we would do it. I took up some new hobbies. We vibed really well for the most part, so lots of good and spontaneous interactions on a daily basis.

Then a couple months ago we broke up and she moved far away. Now I actually experience loneliness. I can't just go back to the old way, and isolate myself for a week at a time for some project or to learn a new technology. Viscerally, my body can't put up with it. I used to sleep incredibly when she was there. I could easily crawl into bed way before midnight or take naps during the day. Now I'm up late reading stuff or working on something every night, and I don't feel that great about it, physically. I have lost the desire to continue any of the hobbies. I feel a constant subtle pressure like something is wrong and I need to do something to fix it. It's not because I'm butt-hurt about the breakup (it was welcome at the time), it's just not having a person like that in your life anymore.

I think the only reason I was able to go on the way I did prior to the cohabitation, was because I'd simply never experienced such raw, intimate human connection before, like the kind that comes with living in the same one bedroom apartment with an SO for a year. It felt like it awakened a truly human need that perhaps had been long suppressed or I had rationalized a way to keep a distance from.

At any rate, the experience will hopefully make it easier for me to find another gal out there, now that I recognize, or rather "feel", the importance of deeper human connections.

Heh, very recognizable.

I do think you will acclimatize to being alone over time, and it gets easier and perhaps almost back to 'before'. But I also agree that once you've had a taste of good partnership, it changes your perspective permanently, and you don't want to settle for 'before'.

The "stroking" term comes from Games People Play, FWIW. Really interesting read.

I think the sisyphean task of existence becomes easier when another consciousness acknowledges that you exist.

I think that being alone and loneliness is two different things. One can be alone without feeling loneliness, the same way, one can feel loneliness while being surrounded by people [other people mentioned the quality and health of relationships]. When one feels that the Sisyphean task is easier because other people go trough it is comforting. But I think what would make this experience easier is, being aware that it is more absurd to end it. One may put oneself in the crowd to feel the warmth, or one can worm one’s mind and stand for what one believes.

I am also more socially isolated than most, and I don't feel the emotion of loneliness very often, but I definitely become distrustful and more withdrawn as the article described when I spend more time isolated. I didn't even connect the two, I just figured that was part of my personality. But now I'm remembering that when I did have close friends around a lot I felt much better and could talk to new people much more easily, and the existential angst didn't bother me so much because I don't think about it while talking to close friends. so those things might be how loneliness manifests itself in you.

I find that the biggest effect of being alone for long periods of time is that my mind starts obsessing over weird things if I don't direct it to specific 'problems' to solve. It's like I need to exert more control when there are no friends around to 'center' my thought processes.

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