Comment by kvnn | Hacker News Reader

Comment by kvnn | Hacker News Reader

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Don't look for hacks. Look for ways to instill healthy habits and skills that he can use for the rest of his life. I'm glad you brought up potty training and speech, because those are both great examples.

For speech, I recommend having conversations with him as you would an adult, and try to keep eye contact often enough that he sees your mouth as you speak. Don't hound him on mis pronunciations but feel free to correct him as you would a friend who is trying to learn English. Be as sensitive as you would be toward a friend if he gets frustrated or ashamed.

For potty training, he'll need a solid week at home with a toilet he is comfortable going in. Don't take him somewhere unless you can bring the toilet with you. I've brought it in the car before :O . Keep him naked or in regular underwear and be clear what the goal is. sometimes a treat after going in the potty works well. Someone will have to run him to the bathroom at times.

For whatever he likes (dinosaurs, animals, trucks), work on the names of different types. Flash cards work well : http://www.amazon.com/Animals-All-Kinds-Flash-Cards/dp/09382... . My daughter loves going through those while eating - she asks for them and we treat them like a reward for eating her food by herself (one bite, one card). She happens to not really like food.

Get good nutrition going immediately. Vegetables, fruit, and everything else you eat (stomache, allergy and spice issues permitting). Don't start juice if he isn't used to it, and water it down if he is.

Get the mom on the same page. And, remember, he's not your son. If you are going to treat him as your son, do what you can to make that official so that the risks of losing him are reduced. Marry, adopt, whatever. Or be cognizant to distance yourself a bit and be like an uncle.

I'm just a dad, not an expert. Ask away and let me know if anything sounds off. Where are you located?

Good luck :) . Thanks for making the world bettah.

And, there is no rush. Do not rush. The goal is to create a happy, healthy and capable person - not an impressive 5 year old. This is coming from someone who's wife spends most of her time educating and caring for his kids, who are therefore advanced relative to peers: it's not that important.

It IS important for kids to have caretakers who give them attention, opportunity to be capable for life and economy, and a happy and stimulating environment.

Working towards these things with your kid is literally more important than these things making your kid more developed.

Also: don't smoke or perform other bad habits around him. Nail biting, drinking, getting angry, gossiping, etc. These are negative habits that will rub off.

We fretted over potty training when my son was two. His daycare[1] said, "We take them all through it together in the two-and-a-half year old class." What the hell was wrong with them? Some of his peers were using the potty at 18 months!

Dissecting this now, how far behind can a two year old be? Not very far if at all. The severe outliers are two years behind - unable to hold up their heads. Most everyone is in the middle on just about everything - there's a normal range.

Now twelve, my son has been fully potty trained for many years. The important things in his two year old class were singing and laughing and playing and getting along with other kids and strategies for dealing with the times when things didn't go his way.

My son dropped his bar of soap in the five year old musical! He wasn't moved up to the U11 soccer team when he was nine! He got a B in sixth grade math this spring!

Music or sports or academics every parent is a fool, and comparing one's children to other children is a fool's game. I do it, still and know I'm being a fool and I do it anyway.

[1] Oh eM Gee! Daycare? What the hell is wrong with us? How could we do this. He'll probably get a B in Sixth Grade math because he blew off his homework and be ruined for life!

"The goal is to create a happy, healthy and capable person - not an impressive 5 year old" I totally agree with this. This is a life long project. What you are looking for has to come from within, it can't be imposed from without.

If I could/had to do it all over again I would be keeping these things in mind: Pressure is bad. It's probably easier than you think to makes kids afraid to try. Keep him away from computers/TV as long as possible. Imagination is a pale and shabby thing beside them. Books build a different mind.

I would also echo the nutrition thing. I would suggest maybe a shake for breakfast with a variety of fresh/frozen fruit and some Vega One: http://myvega.com/product/vega-one-nutritional-shake/ Take a good look at the nutritional content. Hopefully that will be a habit that will sustain the kids nutritional needs while he goes through the dreaded "I'm only eating white bread and dry pasta" phase.

Good luck.

Don't look for hacks.

This is almost always good advice, but I think it bears repeating as the crux of this extremely insightful post. And honestly: HN is NOT the place to look for this. I think you're lucky to have someone like kvnn responding up top but you're likely to soon be mired in god knows what.

Go be a dad. Do it the way dads have done it forever: Off the cuff, the best they know how. He'll benefit a lot more from your honest attempts and interaction than anyone else's poor attempts at Best Practices for Other People.

Good luck, and as an adoptee, I thank you for being a good dad to a kid who needs one!

Perhaps I am wrong for seeking hacks or word it as such. I guess what I was asking for is clever andgood advice from a community I know from first hand experience is full of smart people, some of which I'm banking on them having children.

Truth is I'm young and I've never been in this position before. I've also missed out on those first two years with no idea of the damage done.

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to give me advice. It means a tonne. I think I'm getting a bit frustrated as would anyone in my position.

@kvnn I am from Manchester, UK :)

Converse.

Asking questions like "what flavour of juice do you want?" will encourage a reply of "apple" or "orange" rather than a monosyllabic yes/no.

Being ok with whatever the closest approximation of that word you're going to get is and then repeating back the correct pronunciation (as mentioned in another comment) makes this a lot less stressful than it sounds.

If the kid's mother is the primary source of unconditional cuddles, considering becoming the primary source of respect. When I was in a similar sounding situation, the desire to be "daddy's big boy" was a powerful motivating factor for getting him to stretch his abilities.

Also, though ... the fact you care enough to have started this at all suggests that the parenting circuits have kicked in (or ... whatever you want to call it; let's just say I know the "oh shit, I appear to feel like a parent ... ok, wow, this is amazing also I AM SCARED AS HELL OF DOING IT WRONG" feeling) and that combined with a little common sense will go a LONG way.

If you've already "been told his rate of development has been remarkable since (you) became involved" ... you may be micro-optimising something that's already proceeding pretty efficiently already.

I've also seen suggestions[citation needed, sorry] that when offering kids a choice, narrowing it down to just two or three things can help them start getting used to making decisions without being completely overwhelmed by the options (e.g. if you're at the grocery store and you decide to give him the opportunity for some input into the purchases, ask, "do you want to get apple or orange juice?" rather than taking him to the juice aisle and saying "what kind of juice do you want?")

The reality is that you do not have the knowledge skills and abilities to determine the developmental status of the child. Nor do you have the expertise to formulate a developmental plan should their be one. You're just a guy with a girl and a rugrat.

A child is not a lawnmower engine. Children don't get damaged and repaired. They grow up, each as their own snowflake.

Everyone doesn't get frustrated to the point of pathologizing their child's development. Growing up needs to happen all around.

Good luck.

No but social services do have the knowledge, skills and abilities and they have determined he has the mindset of a 1 year old. This is why I know he is severely behind, not just because I've decided he is severely behind.

I'm not saying he is like a lawnmower engine and I didn't mean it this way. I'm trying to find better ways on how to educate him and help him grow. This doesn't mean I'm doing so at the expense of loving him and giving him a good upbringing. In fact, it's the opposite. He isn't going to develop in the way that I'd like if he has a less than great childhood.

People do get frustrated when they see a child they love so damaged and feel powerless to do anything about it.

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it, but a part of me feels that you have misunderstood what I meant and my intentions.

First, accept my apology for not asking more questions before jumping to a negative conclusion. Internet habits die hard.

I went through architecture studios with a quadriplegic. Tim crashed a motorcycle while studying fine art as an undergrad. He could move his head. Holding a pencil in his teeth, he could sketch more quickly and beautifully than most of the class. By kindness, there would be a sketchbook within his reach.

My advice as a parent is that feelings of frustration and unfulfilled expectations can form a barrier to being in and savoring your moments with him. Life is not about what someone can't do, but what they can.

It's no problem at all, I should have been specific about how I've come to know such details about his development :) I'm not an expert and this is new water for me.

Thanks for your advice and taking the time to help me out, it's much appreciated. I do understand your point and looking at things I can see how my focus and frustrations may have gotten in the way.

Hacks are elegant and clever ways to save time and energy.

I don't think that's possible with some things, like raising a child, where there's just a lot of steady work to be done. Changing diapers, cleaning up barf, spending time at the park, etc... and simply "being there".

I recommend this book: "Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful and Cooperative One- to Four-year-old" by Harvey Karp.

The book actually has plenty of "tricks". Contrary to what I have read in this page I found (and this is the point of Dr Karps' books) that there are plenty of tricks that are absolutely not intuitive.

For example to avoid a tantrum you repeat to the child what he actually wants ("Jimmy wants to eat more cake") then explain shortly why he cannot and propose something else. I found this works surprisingly well. Just the fact that the child hears what he wants from your mouth seems to make a big difference.

I'll probably check it out, thanks. Raising kids can be very unintuitive from my experience - I'm extremely lucky to have a very skilled mother for a wife (who is more scientific than intuitive).

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