> Is there any total noobs guide to automated deployment? Everything I have seen to this day assumes some knowledge of sysops and the whole ecosystem of that specific deployment tool (e.g. like it assumes I knew what is a 'cookbook', or where to find them, etc).

You need to have some knowledge of sysops to use automated deployment tools. I guess it's why they were created in the first place, i.e. not for beginners but for those with enough knowledge/skill to automate tedious sys admin tasks. Perhaps the best solution for you is to use a PaaS like Heroku, EngineYard, Google App Engine, etc.