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Comment by contubernio | Hacker News Reader

This is very cultural. In Spain essentially no one throws dinner parties in the US style. It's rare to invite social acquaintances to one's home. These things are done - but mainly with family. Part of this is cultural and part reflects that homes are too small to fit many people. Most socializing is done outside, at a bar, cafe, restaurant, park, etc.

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But that's also great, meeting in a restaurant or bar. Or perhaps renting a cabinet space in one. Or just going on a picnic or free outdoor concert together. Doesn't need to be someone's home. I feel a lot of these things have shrunk massively.

Yes, I agree. What I'm finding, though, is everyone else in my circle doesn't value meeting in a restaurant. They insist these things should be in a home. Or if it's a restaurant, someone should pay for the whole crowd. And as you can imagine, it eventually becomes a "I do all this effort to invite family X to our home for parties, but they never invite us to their home" - conveniently forgetting that family X does want to spend time with them - just not at their own home.

I also found that they seem to value the tradition and style (quality of food, quality of dinnerware, quality of decoration, etc) much more than the company.

Before marriage, we (guys) would get together often. After marriage, it promptly stopped. And the accounting began.

As I said in another comment, the causes of the decline are plenty, and nothing really dominates. I've given a few reasons here and elsewhere, but I'm sure there are many more. It's a death by a thousand cuts. The reasons I give here are due to a certain sub-clique. It won't apply to others' experiences.

Restaurants are expensive. When you have important things to pay for, spaffing hundreds on a meal feels like a massive waste of money.

If each pays for their own share, not so expensive. If you host and invite the same number of people, it gets expensive if you get outside food, and a lot of work/time if you cook yourself. Both are more friction than a restaurant, and thus fewer people do it. In a circle of 50, there will be 10-30 who just don't have the energy/budget to host, and eventually the others despise them for never hosting. The steady state outcome is that those people neither host nor get invited.

In my family, not surprisingly it's the wife who wants to host dinners. And because of the (IMO) high standards, it means she's missing for days to over a week. Life pretty much goes on hold in the household during that time. She can't watch the kids, so I have to. We both work and have little time, which really means the kids get neglected - and it's measurable.

If they lowered their standards, this wouldn't be a problem. But they seem to value those standards more than the social mixing.

If hosting was "simple food, no decoration, not the tidiest home", it would happen a lot more.

(Of course, if you host at a restaurant, that's the most expensive).

For those of us with kids - it’s the restaurant and the babysitter cost. Or you can bring kids but that’s not always desirable or feasible.

Little confused by your example. Your wife hosts (let’s say on a Saturday) but prepares for it all week and doesn’t help with kids? Is that right?

I think there's a split between different crowds. For a lot of them, this type of socializing is a full family affair. No babysitters - kids come.

And that may be why restaurants are out - kids are bored at restaurants.

> Your wife hosts (let’s say on a Saturday) but prepares for it all week and doesn’t help with kids? Is that right?

I'm saying it takes both of us to properly parent the kids, because we're both working spouses. Kids only get 3 hours at home on weekdays. In that time you have to ensure they get food, do homework, have fun, and bond. 3 hours just isn't enough when they're young kids. If one parent is absent, the debt grows.

My point (scattered across various comments), is that socializing need not be hard, and inviting 2 other families for dinner shouldn't take days of preparation. But because of the all the ceremony and effort that people (needlessly) put into it, it does. If they want more socializing, lower the standards. Just have simple food, no special setups, etc.

Same here in Japan

That's because you don't eat dinner until 10pm

More likely because Spain has the highest percentage of apartment dwellers in Europe.

..as the American 20-something influencers on TikTok want you to know.

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